West Coast Tour Guide: University of Washington

Alright, y'all, home stretch!  Only 3 weeks until college football kicks off!  Hope your offseason went less painfully than mine did (both figuratively and, umm... literally).

Since college football season is almost here, I know you're preparing yourselves for endless chatter from me about Pac12 football.  Instead of thinking "UGH why won't D-Rock shut his Pete-Carroll-worshipping pie hole," why not learn a bit about the wild wondrous west?  Feel free to check out my previous entries in this series.  I might update them as time permits, since half of the Pac12 teams fired a coach since last season, and Oregon finally won a Rose Bowl BOOOOO OOOOOOOO OOOOO OOOOOOO.

As a special “welcome back” blog post, I figured I’d write a billion words about my beloved alma mater, the University of Washington.  I’ll try to limit the self-love, but no promises...

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of Washington (a.k.a. U Dub, a.k.a. U Dumb) is an enormous public flagship in Seattle.  It’s generally regarded as the most respected research school west of Texas and north of Berkeley.  UW is usually ranked in the top 10 among public schools, and top 50 among all colleges.  UW boasts the #1 nursing school, a top 5 med school, and top 20 programs in business, education, computer science, social work, public health, law, library studies, chemistry, biology, genetics, some social sciences (including psychology), some engineering tracks, and being awesome.  (I only minored in being awesome.  D-Rock’s life partner says she didn’t go to UW because she was already awesome.)

The admins really REALLY want UW to be called a “public Ivy” like Michigan and UNC, with high tuition and higher standards.  So far they’ve got the “high tuition” thing figured out (get out-of-state kids to apply), and the impersonal 3,000-person class sizes.  They’re, um, working on that other stuff.

Hmm, what shall we have for lunch........

Within Seattle, UW is located between “Montlake” (where we ride boats and play football) and the “U District” (where we eat teriyaki and score drugs).  The U District is centered around University Way NE, better known as The Ave.  (“Fuck class, get your education on The Ave!”)  In the late 90s when we were all on smack, the U District was a shithole.  By the mid 2000s, the drugs moved out, and Urban Outfitters moved in.  When I was in Seattle a few weeks ago, I saw an unkempt dude ride a shopping cart down Brooklyn Avenue.  Maybe it’s going back toward shithole status?  That would be cool.  Death to hipsters.

Yes.  These are a thing.  And I kinda want one.

Normally I’d describe a “typical student” from the college I’m writing about, and make fun of them.  But on the real, this is impossible for U Dub.  There are commuters, dorm shut-ins, drunk greeks, ROTC cadets, douches, nerds, uber-hippies, Bush voters, and a shit-ton of Asian exchange students.  As a result, finding a sense of “community” at UW is pretty hard.  Maybe y’all could run with that?  Or maybe a Wazzu grad could help with this?  (By the way, Cougs:  Nobody at U Dub drinks Zima.  Y’all need to let that one go.)

Famous alumni from U Dub (that aren’t named D-Rock) include:

• Bruce Lee
• Joel McHale
• Hope Solo (also a Richland High grad, Go Bombers)
• Anna Faris
• The guitarist from Soundgarden
• Bill Gates .......'s dad
• Kenny G (ugh, I know)
• Dwight from "The Office"
• Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island”
• Al from "Home Improvement"
• That one chick from “Designing Women”
• The dude who played Jesus
• Nine astronauts
• ....................also Ted Bundy and Amanda Knox OK moving on....

The beautiful U Dub campus was used heavily in "The 6th Man," a terrible movie starring Marlon Wayans.  Do not watch it under any circumstance.

UW’s mascot is the Huskies, commonly referred to as the Dawgs.  “Wahh wahwahh but Georgia calls themselves the Dawgs wahhh” SHUT UP.

OBLONG BALL

Let's be real:  Historically speaking, all west coast football programs are chasing U$C for superiority.  But UW and UCLA are considered the top runners-up.  UW has won 15 conference titles, 7 Rose Bowls, an Orange Bowl, and 1 to 3 national titles depending on who you ask.

*Angels singing*

Don James (a.k.a. “The Dawgfather”) coached UW through its most prosperous era from the late 70s to early 90s.  He closed his career with 3 straight Pac10 titles, 2 Rose Bowl titles, and 1 national title.  UW was eventually brought down by an improper benefit scandal, including “no-work” jobs, bad management of recruiting funds, and a loan for a bitchin’ Camaro (fuck y’all, it was 1992).  UW admins, being the douche-nozzles they are, rolled over and refused to fight the sanctions which included a 2-year bowl ban.  Don James resigned in protest.  *pause for reverence* 

"...offense does what now?"

Jim Lambright (James's defensive coordinator, a.k.a. "Lambo") took over in 1993.  He did some cool things, including a historic win at Miami in 1994.  But Lambo didn’t get back to the Rose Bowl, let the offense go to shit, was kind of a dick to some players, and made UW wear these ugly purple helmets (a.k.a. "eggplant hats").  In ‘98, Lambo was fired after a 20-point bowl loss to freakin' Air Force.

Meeee-oww.

UW’s athletic director at that time was a chick (Barbara Hedges, a.k.a. “Babs”).  When UW was searching for a new coach, Babs met this total dreamboat from Colorado named Rick, with piercing blue eyes and a casual surfer-boy look.  Rick also liked to play guitar and was sensitive but not TOO sensitive, so yeah you know what’s up ladies.  Babs was crushing hard, so she was like “ooh I just dropped eleventy bajillion dollars on the floor, could you help me pick it up?  No, slower...”  Five minutes later, Slick Rick Neuheisel was UW’s new coach, and Babs relaxed with a cigarette.

*sigh*  Good times...

Lambo’s defensive leftovers and Rick’s offensive skills proved to be an awesome combo at first. Rick installed an option offense for UW’s quick and crafty QB, and the Dawgs won a Rose Bowl in Rick’s 2nd year.  (I was on the field that glorious day, and yes I’m crying a bit right now.)

After that Rose Bowl, Rick started "installing" some other things which weren’t as successful.  These included...

• A "machine gun" offense, which threw the ball 147 times per game.
• An "optional" defense, which blew a 24-point lead in the 4th quarter of a bowl game.
• A "shotgun" recruiting strategy, in which he recruited 7 receivers and zero linemen for one class.
• A "bitch move" career strategy, in which he interviewed with Notre Dame, the 49ers, UCLA, the Yankees, CitiBank, and Wal-Mart... then (after being caught) lied about it to Babs.

H/T  buckanddusty.com

In the summer of '03 someone snitched to the NCAA that Rick was betting on the college hoops tourney, which is basically the worst crime ever, worse than murdering and eating recruits.  UW considered their past history with sanctions, freaked the fuck out, and fired Rick.  (He later sued UW and settled.)  Babs “retired” *wink* around the same time because of the Rick scandal, and a scandal involving drug use by the softball team (the scandal was that they didn’t share with her).  Bitches, man.  Bitches.

"*huff*  *puff*  *bleh* *huff*  PUNT!"  H/T maxwaugh.com

After Slick's untimely exit, Keith Gilbertson (former offensive coordinator, a.k.a. "Gilby," a.k.a. "Gil-boobs") was named "interim" coach.  Gilby kept this label for 2 years because at that point UW had no idea what they were doing.   Unfortunately, Gilby (who was like 93 years old) had no idea what he was doing either.  After going 1-10 in his 2nd year, he was taken into the woods and put out of his misery.

"Golf.  Golf.  Golf.  Golf.  Golf.  Golf.  Golllllf.  Golf.  Golf.  Golf.  Gosh I wish I were golfing right now.  Golf..."

Desperate to clean up their image, in 2005 UW hired Tyrone Willingham (a.k.a. Ty, a.k.a. "Paint Dry Ty," a.k.a. Notre Dame’s sloppy seconds).  Ty saw himself as a great “molder of men,” a motivational speaker, a golfer, and sometimes a football coach.  He hated the media, the school, the fans, his assistants, most of his players, his secretary... anyone who wasn’t Ty.  Ty is basically the 5th worst person ever, behind Hitler, Bin Laden, and these chicks.

"UGHHHHH, why are you asking me all these questions??  I'm gonna miss my tee time!"

But anyway, yeah, football.  Ty dicked around for 3 years and won a total of 11 games.  After 3 years, the UW admins thought about getting rid of him.  But suddenly ESPN, other schools’ fans, and the local NAACP (not joking) got all uppity and race-card-y.  Ty got a 4th year, and thanked UW by going 0-12.  Ty was finally canned (though 2 years later he claimed he “retired”), and he’s probably pleasuring himself to a mirror right now.  Fuck you, Ty.

"...it's upside down, Nick."

After that debacle, UW decided to try this football thing again.  So they ran down to the Compton Swap Meet and stole U$C’s coordinators (Steve Sarkisian a.k.a. “Sark,” and Nick Holt).  Sark’s offense (featuring Jake Locker, may his name be praised) got UW back to a bowl game in his 2nd year.  Holt’s defense (featuring a lot of baldness and yelling) was, um, not as great.  UW fired Holt last winter, and stole Tennessee’s defensive coordinator while the Vols were out at a Kenny Chesney concert.

...and we all lived happily ever after??

The list of famous former Husky footballers is extremely long.  I’ll hit the highlights:

• Warren Moon (Hall of Famer, wife beater)
• Mark Brunell (Old)
• Chris Chandler (Even older)
• Bob Sapp HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAA
• Ed Cunningham (Yaps on ESPN)
• Brock Huard (Ditto)
• Corey Dillon (Just breakin’ records, y’all)
• Jerramy Stevens (Awesome driver)
• Tank Johnson (Gun enthusiast)
• Dashon Goldson (Probably the only decent Husky in the NFL right now.  Thanks again, Ty.)

The Dawgs play at Husky Stadium, on the banks of Lake Washington.  It’s pretty, you can boat to the game, and it can get REALLY loud.

Husky Stadium is getting a badly needed renovation this year, so the Dawgs will play in the Seahawks stadium downtown (which, in case you haven’t heard, is also pretty loud).  They’ll be back on Montlake for opening day 2013.

ROUND BALL

To emphasize, I try to come at these summaries from a historical perspective.  So historically speaking, UW basketball sucks harder than a Miley Cyrus concert, but with lower attendance than a Miley Cyrus concert.  During my time at UW (when they weren’t very good), there were many winter Saturdays where you could have found more people in Suzzallo Library than at the basketball game.  While the arena was being renovated and games were at KeyArena downtown, free transit passes were provided to entice students to go.  Despite that, there were many games where the band was bigger than the student section.  Nobody gives a crap about UW hoops.  Got it?

Having said that, UW hoops has gone through bright spots, and is currently experiencing the best 10-year run in its history.

UW won a bunch of games under legendary coach Hec Edmundson (for whom the arena is named) from the 20s to the 40s, before the NCAA tournament really took off.  What can I say, we’re always ahead of the times.

UW eventually reached its "high-water mark" under Tippy Dye (stop giggling) in 1953, when they advanced to their only Final Four in school history.  Then UW was like "OK, that's quite enough of that," and spent the next 20 years losing a lot.

Check those shorts.  Nice.

In the early 70s, Marv Harshman (Wazzu's coach at the time) was like “fuck this, Pullman blows” and came to U Dub.  He won a lot more games in Seattle, because what good basketball player (of sound mind and clear legal record) wants to spend 4 years in Pullman?  Anyhow, Harshman spent 14 years on Montlake, getting to 3 NCAA tourneys, winning 2 Pac10 titles, and advancing to the Sweet 16 once.  (That’s “name-a-building-for-him” success at U Dub.)  In 1985 Harshman retired, and UW went back to losing a lot for 10 years.

"Oh yeah, that's right, I went to DUKE.  Line starts here, ladies."

Bob Bender (a former Duke assistant) was hired in the mid 90s, and things picked up a bit.  “Bobby B” could recruit with the best, and rode some great raw talent to a couple of tourney bids and a Sweet 16 run in '98.  Unfortunately, Bob wasn't a great in-game coach, as most of his strategy boiled down to “PLAY LIKE DUKE” and “WHY U NO PLAY LIKE DUKE?”  Eventually UW got tired of Bender’s patented “No-Motion Offense,” and fired him in 2002.

Beating the mouthy Cougs to win a Pac10 title:  Priceless.

Lorenzo Romar replaced Bender.  Romar played for Harshman in the late 70s, recruits well, prefers an uptempo style of play (but emphasizes defense), and considers UW his "dream job."  Jackpot.

In Romar’s 10 years...

• UW has gone dancing 6 times, advancing to the Sweet 16 3 times.
• UW has won 2 conference titles, and 3 conference tournament titles.
• UW has had 9 players drafted by the NBA, including 6 in the first round.
• UW sells out its games.  A lot.

"He can fly, y'all.  He can fly, he believes in himself."

Notable former ballers include:

• Nate Robinson (5’9” tall, 3-time NBA Slam Dunk Contest champion)
• James Edwards (Won some titles with the Lakers)
• Detlef Schrempf (Occasional guest star of Parks & Recreation)
• Brandon Roy (2007 NBA Rookie of the Year)

The Dawgs play at the “Alaska Airlines Arena at Hec Edmundson Pavilion.”  But don’t be a douche, just call it “Hec Ed.”

FANS

Husky football was THE hot ticket in Seattle for almost 40 years.  Husky Stadium was full and rocking all throughout the season.  Then Gilby and Ty happened, and suddenly this flock of seagulls started showing up in the 3rd quarter of every home game.  It was weird.

Anyway, things are finally turning around, and the fans are slowly coming back.  For the big games (Oregon, U$C, Apple Cup), the joint is packed, and fans can get quite dickish and ornery from 8 years of neglect.

As mentioned earlier, UW hoops played to an empty Hec Ed (a.k.a. "Hec Dead") for long periods of its history.  But thanks to Romar, the old barn on Montlake is now a madhouse, and one of the toughest venues on the west coast. 

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

So UW has this group called the Husky Marching Band.  NERRRRRRRRRRRDS!!!  *cough*, sorry.

I’ll be brutally honest... they’re just “OK.”  They’re great entertainers in the stands, at pep rallies, and at corporate retreats (yep, not joking).  But their halftime shows are pretty hit-or-miss.  For every sweet Aerosmith show, there will be two “Classic Movie Themes from the 1950s” shows.  It’s pretty rough.

But I heard the Husky Band kids drink a lot.  Like, a LOT.  Not that I did.  Or would know.  Or did keg stands at the Cal Band house.  Or got stupid drunk and partied till 3:00am in a Florida hotel with relatives of the women’s basketball team.  I’m just sayin’.  I’ve heard things.

U Dub has a suited mascot named Harry the Husky.  Not terrible, right?  ...yeah, that’s our old suit.  Check out the new one.

Yeahhh, that’s not a dog.  It’s a fucking creepy raccoon.  Holy crap U Dub sucks.

Fortunately, UW also has a live mascot:  a cute-ass Alaskan Malamute, because actual huskies would be little shits to deal with.  For many years, UW’s live mascot had a regal name like “King Chinook,” “Prince Redoubt,” or “Spirit.”  Our current mascot is “Dubs.”  Yeeeep.  “Dubs.”  And all future mascots are to bear this name.  ......at least he’s cute. 

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

This is the usually the part where I try to objectively synthesize things, and give you a few notes about what a college’s atmosphere is like, its campus, its city, its people, etc.

I fully realize I can’t get away with that for UW.

So instead, please rise...

Go Dawgs.