EDIT 9/26/2013: UW plays "Other 'Zona" this Saturday night on national television, so I figured I should double-check this article for relevance. Turns out Past D-Rock did great work, and Present D-Rock only had to change a couple of sentences! Thanks, Arizona! Don't you go changin'!
Time to end this hiatus and bust out another West Coast Tour Guide!
Pac12 basketball is kinda like ACC football. A few schools care about it, but most use it as a distraction during the offseason of the other big-time sport.
One of the few "basketball" schools out west is the University of Arizona. Let's learn more about the school Trav refers to as "Other 'Zona."
SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS
The University of Arizona is located in Tucson, a sprawling city of half a million people in the Sonoran desert. Tucson is a 90-minute drive from Phoenix, and less than an hour from Nogales, Mexico (a.k.a. Dirty Nogales, a.k.a. Donkey Show Capital of the World). Tucson's nickname is "The Old Pueblo," which is Spanish for "The Old Meth Lab." Tucson is a scenic and adventure-loving town, surrounded on all sides by mountains, Saguaro cacti, and illegals.
UA was originally a land-grant college, so you'd think they'd at least have a decent animal science program or something. But alas, UA ranks in the bottom third of the Pac12 academically, above only Oregon State, Utah, and Arizona State.
On the plus side, UA often shows up on those "best party school" lists (usually below Arizona State). I can personally vouch that 4th Avenue in Tucson is an excellent place to get hammered.
The University of Arizona library
Your typical UA student is usually one of the following:
- An Arizona resident with no other options
- A local engineer using free tuition credits to take grad classes (sup, Greg!)
- An aspiring model/actress who is too dumb for UCLA, too smart for Arizona State, and too poor for U$C
- Geraldo Rivera
- Jerry Bruckheimer
- Greg Kinnear
- Nicole Richie
- One of the Kardashians
- Caroline Rhea
- Garry Shandling
- Kristen Wiig
- ...and tons of other unfunny and untalented people
OBLONG BALL
Arizona and Arizona State joined the former "Pac8" conference in the late 70s. ASU has taken advantage of this opportunity, going to 2 Rose Bowls during the Pac10 era. Arizona? Not so much. In fact, they're the only "original" Pac10 school to have never qualified for a Rose Bowl.
UA has fielded a few great teams. But they've all had the shittiest of shit luck. Observe:1986: UA had a very talented squad. Unfortunately, the Pac10 was loaded (4 teams finished in the top 20). They finished 8-3, with a late upset loss to Stanford sending them to the Aloha Bowl.
1993: UA rode their famous "Desert Swarm" defense to a 7-0 start and #7 ranking. Then they got blown out by UCLA on national television. Two weeks later they were upset by Cal, sending UCLA to the Rose Bowl. (UA ended up torching Miami in the Fiesta Bowl.)
1998: This UA team was stacked, featuring 2 talented QBs, a future pro at tailback, and a stifling defense. They went 11-1, with their only loss coming to UCLA. UCLA was riding Cade McNown and DeShaun Foster toward the BCS title, which would have sent UA to the Rose Bowl. Unfortunately, UCLA was upset by Miami in the final week, sending UCLA to the Rose Bowl, and UA to the Holiday instead.
UA was coached for 8 years by Mike Stoops (pictured above, explaining how NAFTA has destroyed U.S. manufacturing). His tenure was marked with inconsistent play, bizarre sideline rants, and veiny foreheads. During a game in 2011, when a referee asked Stoops how his kids were doing, Stoops had a violent stroke and died at the age of 49.Arizona's current coach is Rich Rodriguez (a.k.a. RichRod, a.k.a. Josh Groban's biggest fan). You might remember RichRod from another academically slow school: West Virginia. You might also know him for recruiting such upstanding citizens as PacMan Jones, Chris Henry (RIP), Noel Devine, and some dude who robbed a Smoothie King. With this checkered recruiting history, plus Tucson's party scene and proximity to Nogales, I look forward to Arizona's football players exploring new ways to get in trouble. I will bet $50 that a starter on the football team will be arrested on federal drug or gun charges within the next 5 years.
Famous UA alums in the NFL include Rob Gronkowski (pictured above, at a bible study with his cousin or something) and Tedy Bruschi. Did you know that Tedy Bruschi had a heart condition? I saw this piece on ESPN about Tedy Bruschi having a heart condition, then coming back to play in the NFL despite his heart condition. Then I saw this other piece on ESPN about Tedy Bruschi having a heart condition, right after this other ESPN story about Tom Brady’s hair and Tedy Bruschi’s heart condition.
UA plays at Arizona Stadium. I've run the ramps at Arizona Stadium as part of a 5K road race. But just like 90% of UA fans, I've never been there for a football game.
ROUND BALL
Since the 1980s, when Lute Olson was hired away from Iowa, UA has had an annoying obsession with basketball.Lute Olson coached at Arizona for 25 years. During that tenure, UA made the tournament every year, won 11 conference titles, went to 4 Final Fours, and won 1 national championship. It should also be noted that Lute was an enormous bitch to officials. Seriously. I went to tons of UW games in the late 90s and early 2000s, saw many coaches in action, and nobody rode the refs (without getting technical fouls) more than Lute Olson. But hey, whatever works.
"...and then I'm gonna poop on you like this! Don't EVER call a foul on my team again!"
After taking the 2008 season off for personal issues (cough divorce cough), Lute abruptly retired less than 1 month before the start of the 2009 season. After those 2 lost years, Sean Miller took over and got UA to be competitive again. Dammit.
UA is known as Point Guard U, because they've sent a bunch of great point guards (and a ton of other overrated players) to the NBA. Here's a small sample:
- Steve Kerr (Michael Jordan enthusiast)
- Damon Stoudamire (weed enthusiast)
- Gilbert Arenas (gun enthusiast)
- Mike Bibby (daddy issues)
- Jason Terry (streak shooter extraordinaire)
- Luke Walton (the most overrated player in the history of basketball)
Home games are played at the McKale Center. For many years, average age of fans in the lower bowl was around 90, and students sat in the rafters with Lute Olson's old suits. UA finally established a courtside student section 10 years ago, and as you can see in the picture above ("LOL giant balloons you guys weeeeee!!!"), they're still figuring things out.
FANS
Let's be clear: UA is a basketball-centered fanbase.Having said that, if the football team wins a few games, UA fans can have a real dickish streak.
BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS
The "Pride of Arizona" marching band makes shapes, wears sparkly things, and plays boring music. They’re exactly like 90% of other college marching bands across the country. They're nothing to be "proud" of.
Arizona has male and female mascots: Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat. Wilma was created as a partner for Wilbur in the 1980s, and they were married after an extremely short courtship. They have both been miserable ever since, using UA sports to distract themselves from the enormous mistake that has led to their vacant, emotionless existence.UA had a live mascot (a bobcat) for many years. But just like Wazzu's live cougar, they had to get rid of it, because UA is not legally allowed to be that awesome.
HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL
Arizona is the second most successful basketball school on the west coast (after UCLA). Tucson bleeds cardinal and blue from November to March, but it's more of an oozing wound for the rest of the year. The football team pops up every once in a while (along with the usual dickish new-money fans), then fades back to mediocrity. Rich Rodriguez is working to change that dynamic, but it's an uphill battle at a school where the mere mention of Lute Olson still elicits insta-boners.
Here's the million dollar question, though: Why doesn’t Arizona (or any warm-weather school) completely dominate every sport they participate in? Recruiting to a school like UA should be easier than convincing Paris Hilton to sleep with you.
If I were a football coach at UA, ASU, any L.A. school, or any Florida school, I wouldn't even hire a recruiting coordinator. I would just bring a recruit to campus, and tell them to walk around for a day. Oh hey check it out, there are palm trees. And it's warm year-round. And everyone's tan. How UA and ASU don't have their pick of every high school recruit is one of life's great mysteries.
Anyway, I digress. UA and Tucson are pretty great. Just watch out for the UA football fans, the old lady drivers, and the drug cartels, and you’ll enjoy yourself.Also, if you visit a taco truck, "tacos de sesos" are cows' brains. Just FYI.
Extremely awesome.
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