Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day

Today is what I like to call "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day".  It's not something you would typically celebrate with your family of church-goers or design paper hats for in elementary school only because "Mother Fuckin" is in the name.  But "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day" is meant to be celebrated by those people too.  Just because you're too adult for the phrase "Mother Fuckin" or the idea of fucking mothers hits home for you in a weird place doesn't mean you can't enjoy what this day is, what it stands for, and why it's monumental.

Today we are all 0-0.  The Hokies are 0-0.  The Huskies are 0-0.  We all have perfect records, round on each end, and flat in the middle.  The flat part is the hyphen.

By Tuesday, we will add 1's to our record.  Either on the front side of the flat spot or the back side and unless you're talking about a Busta Rhymes music video, this ain't the good kind of back side either.

So like most things awesome, there's a story behind Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day and I would like to share it with you.

When I was a child, my grandfather didn't talk to me about college football because he never attended college and he had already been dead for a couple years when I was born.  So there's that, but my father instilled in me the idea of Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day when I was about six years old.  It started off when he showed me his old yearbooks from when he played pigskin in high school.

I was curious about the game and it was hard for me to understand initially.  Why would anyone want to get hit so hard just to run around carrying that goofy ball that never bounces right?  But Dad was persistent and wanted to show me the way of the pigskin so that I could one day suit up and make him proud.  That night we cuddled up on the couch in front of the TV.  I had my little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle blanket wrapped over my lap to keep my popcorn from getting on the couch and up my shorts.  I still can't eat popcorn worth a damn.  Dad waited for the coverage to start and as the team was lining up to form a line for the kickoff, my Dad turned to me and asked, "Son, are you ready for this?"

I didn't know what was coming next so I timidly replied, "Ready for what?"

"Mother Fuckin Kick-Off, son."  The moments that followed impacted my football watching career for the rest of my life.  I watched Virginia Tech lose to NC State, 7-0, in probably the worst fucking display of football I have ever seen in my entire life to this very day.  I one time watched two blind fat people have sex on the internet just to prove a point and I made it 13 seconds in Two Girls, One Cup before I passed out.  Trust me, I have the badges of honor.  This game was fucking atrocious.   The replay of the game has been featured in some famous exorcisms and was even outlawed in Guantanamo by Dick Cheney himself.  Hokie quarterback Will Furrer threw 5 interceptions in that game, coincidentally the same game that proved to a young Sean Glennon that you really can be what you want in life. Thankfully, being a Hokie fan has gotten better over the years - except for that whole Sean Glennon part.

So, my first Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day wasn't even on the first day of the season.  It was the second week but getting VT on TV was an extremely rare occasion back then and lucky for us, Dad stole satellite off the neighbors.  VT wrapped up the season toting a 5-6 record with marquee wins over no one.  We did only lose to then #6 Oklahoma by 10 but we fuckin got housed by UVA (#20) 38-0.  I knew being a VT fan would be difficult at times and too easy at others but since then, I've been excited about every opening day of Division 1 College Football since. 

Tonight we get to see two semi-quality SEC teams get it on.  South Carolina is known for jack-shit in football but having the Ol' Ball Coach at the helm is always in your favor and he's got the Cocks throbbing down in Columbia.  Vanderbilt is also known for being an SEC butt plug too but somehow they've managed to upgrade from "butt plug" to "not quite as butt plug" and even have the recruiting class to suggest a promising future.  It doesn't get any better than this.  Happy Mother Fuckin' Kick-Off Day Ya'll!!