West Coast Tour Guide: University of Colorado

This West Coast Tour Guide is about the University of Coloradheheheheheheh.  Hehehee.  Heh.  This keyboard makes funny noises.  Clickyclicky clickyclick clickclickclick heee heheheheh.

(Loudly eats bag of Funyuns)

...........huh?

Anyway, this West Coast Tour Guide is about the University of Colorado.

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of Colorado's main campus is in Boulder, about 30 minutes from Denver.  Boulder is a gorgeous exurb that sits at the base of the Front Range.  Boulder is home to hippies.

...oh, you want to know more?  OK.  Well, uhhh... Hippies come in many varieties, and Boulder has all of them.  You have your Deadheads, those dudes are alright.  You have your undergrad know-it-alls, and I don't like those guys, they're supreme Buzz Killingtons.  You have those smelly ones who keep compost in their pockets.  Pro tip:  Those guys know where to find the good shit LOL DOUBLE ENTENDRE!  In conclusion:  Hippies.

Reefer is, to put it mildly, not hard to come by in Boulder.  There's a reason the best restaurant in town is famous for its gigantic burgers and pizzas.  (But to be fair, The Sink is totally legit.)

Colorado is a tier-1 university and has a good business school and whatever who cares.  Do you like beer?  Do you like weed?  Do you like to ski?  Do you like Dave Matthews Band and Widespread Panic?  If you just said "yes" 4 times, congratulations!  Your new hometown is Boulder, Colorado!

Famous CU alums include:

• The South Park guys
• Robert Redford
• 3OH!3  (They harsh my buzz, bro.)

OBLONG BALL

Colorado was pretty sweet from the 70s through the early 2000s.  They even won a national title in 1990.  For most of their history, they played in the Big 8 (now Big 12) conference with Texas and a bunch of other red-state schools that probably have an Applebee's on campus.

For the past 10 years, though, they've been losers.  Their recent coaches tell a very sad tale, my dudes...

Gary Barnett:  This guy was totally not chill.  At first he was rad, letting a female kicker join the team.  But then she was raped by one of her teammates, and Gare-Bare responded by calling her "a terrible player."  Pshhh c'mon man, hoes before bros!

Dan Hawkins:  Moved down from Boise.  Uhhh... His son played quarterback for a bit.  Umm...  Something about intramurals?  I dunno, I wasn't paying attention.

Some guy Jon something:  Hired when Colorado moved to the Pac12.  Spent a few years looking like this on TV.

Mike uhhhh... McQuagmire?:  Just hired last winter.  Someday he'll help Colorado win their 4th Pac12 game.

Famous former Buffs include:

• Chad Brown (Former linebacker for Steelers and Seahawks and holy shit WTF is this?)
• Rashaan Salaam (Heisman trophy winner, and noted lazy ass.)
• Kordell Stewart (Wants you to know that he is not gay.)
• Rae Carruth (Hired someone to off his girlfriend and unborn child.  Scored 1 of 2, killing her and crippling his son for life.  Set to be released from prison in 2018, and signed by the Cowboys in 2019.)

CU plays in gorgeous Folsom Field.  It sits over one mile above sea level, making it one of the highest (LOL) stadiums in the country.

ROUND BALL

CU's basketball team is having their greatest run of all time.  They've played in March Madness each of the past two seasons!!!

......and that's CU hoops in a nutshell.

Mmm nutshells.  You know what I could go for now?  Some of those smokehouse almonds.

Crap, come on D-Rock, focus!

Famous former basketball players include Chauncey Billups and uhhh...  uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... ... .... ....what were we talking about?  About is a funny word.  You can say it so many ways.  About.  Abouut.  Aboot.  Abahht.  Hee hee hee.  My mouth looks weird.

FANS

In Boulder, sporting events are seen as excuses to be chemically impaired in new and unique settings.  Other than a few drunken "fzzzzuckkk youuuuus," CU fans are harmless.  And if you bring extra bags of BC Bud and Doritos, you will be the most popular person in the state.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

Live mascots are pretty far out, man.  All schools should be required to have a live mascot.  Not those creepy suited bitches, I'm talking actual living beings.  I want to see a wild turkey on VT's sideline.  I want to see a trained swarm of bees at Georgia Tech.  I want to see some weirdo with a fruity hat and a French mustache at UVA.

But even if live mascots were required everywhere, Ralphie would still be the best.

Ralphie is a female buffalo who circles the football field sometimes.  Actually that's not true.  Ralphie drags bitches around the field twice per game, as they hang on for dear life and pray this isn't the day Ralphie decides to miss the trailer and run for the hills.

If I were a CU alum, I would show up to every home game, paying full price plus additional donation, just to see Ralphie run.  Ralphie is beautiful, dudes.  I want to touch her fur.  I bet it's super soft.  But I digress...

CU's marching band is pretty awesome if you drop some acid before halftime.  Otherwise it's not really my jam.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

In meme form!

West Coast Tour Guide: Arizona State University

I recently asked a group of East Coasters the following:  "What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Arizona State University?"

Here are a few of their answers:

• "Sluts"
• "Maroon and gold"
• "Cash for porn"
• "Their old logo"
• "Hot females"
• "Desert"
• "Girls Gone Wild"

Wow.

First off, I think Girls Gone Wild was mostly filmed in L.A.  Secondly, there are so many other things to make fun of ASU for!  To focus solely on the flexible moral character of their female student body would be doing ASU (and yourselves) a disservice.

If any school is in need of a West Coast Tour Guide to dispel myths and spread truth eastward, it's Arizona State University.

And just to let you know in advance, there won't be any pictures of half-naked ASU sluts in this post.  If that's all you came to look at, I apologize.  Try Google maybe?

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

Arizona State University is the largest school in the country, with enrollment of around 60,000, not including branch campuses.  The student-to-faculty ratio is... um... bad.

ASU's academics are also bad.  They rank dead last in the Pac12, mostly thanks to a low graduation rate, a low freshman retention rate, and the fact that their best academic programs are silly.  (Business?  Yikes.)

Arizona State's academic inferiority is often lampooned in pop culture:

wikipedia.com

ASU's main campus is in Tempe, a huge soulless suburb within the more huge soulless sprawl-plex of Phoenix.  For you East Coasters, think of Phoenix as Miami, except replace the Cubans with Mexicans, and subtract all of the humidity.

Your typical ASU student falls into one of these categories:

• Phoenix kid who wants to stay home
• Aspiring porn star model-actress who couldn't get into an L.A. school
• Local worker taking night classes (a.k.a. the "What Am I Doing Here" student)
• Out of state kid who wants to party for 5 years (a.k.a. the "Doing It Right" student)

Arizona State's reputation as a party school is legendary.  After a few years off, ASU has returned to the top 10 of Playboy's party school rankings, where they've appeared regularly since the 80s.  If you're looking for a place to drink gallons of cheap tequila and hear "WOOOOOOOO" nonstop, Mill Avenue in Tempe has no equal on the west coast.

Famous Arizona State alums include:

• Pat Tillman
• David Spade
• Barry Bonds
• ...wow, I should have stopped this list at Pat Tillman

ASU has been the filming location for many movies, and some of them don't involve bottle-blonde skanks flashing their boobs!  They include:

• Raising Arizona
• A Star is Born
• The Jerry Lewis version of Nutty Professor
• The not-shitty parts of Jerry Maguire

OBLONG BALL

After many years of "Boise-State-ing" it up in the WAC (racking up tons of meaningless wins), both Arizona schools were invited to join the Pac8 in the late 70s.  Arizona State (unlike Arizona) has taken full advantage of this opportunity.  They've won 3 conference titles, one Rose Bowl, and came thisclose to winning a national title in 1996.

Since '96, Arizona State football has been perpetually "on the cusp" of something special, but they've never quite gotten there.  It's mystifying.  ASU has perfectly fine facilities.  They've had a string of good (if not great) coaches.  They have no trouble recruiting good players because it's sunny and classes are easy and girls and stuff.  But for whatever reason, ASU never becomes a consistent winner.

I could write 5 paragraphs detailing the times ASU "almost got there" over the past 20 years.  But you East Coasters have better things to do, like watch crappy football, or argue about who makes the best barbecue (OHHH I MISS IT SO MUCH).  So I'll skip to the take-home message:  Arizona State football is a dormant giant, and their relative lack of success is one of college football's greatest unsolved mysteries.

Todd Graham has a different colored tie for every school.  (rsdnation.com)

The latest coach to try to solve "The Case of the 6-Win Seasons" is Todd Graham.  Graham is famous for his attention to detail on defense, and his numerous vivid dreams:

• After one year at Rice (Graham's first head coaching gig), he signed a contract extension and claimed to "look forward to (building) on the efforts of our first season."
• One day after signing the Rice extension, he accepted a job at Tulsa, calling it "my dream.  I wanted to be head coach at Tulsa."
• In 2011, Graham moved on from Tulsa to take a job at Pitt, calling it "a dream come true."
• Less than one year later, Graham took the ASU job, saying that "coaching there has always been a dream of ours."  Also, he told his boss and Pitt's players he was leaving via text message.  Classayyy.

Todd Graham went 8-5 in his first season at ASU.  He looks forward to building onTHIS JUST IN, Todd Graham has accepted an offer to be the new head coach at Texas U$C UConn Virginia Tech Minnesota Jacksonville New York Giants Christiansburg High School Oakland Raiders Arizona State Texas, calling it his dream job for realsies this time.

Famous former Sun Devils include:

• Jake Plummer
• Darren Woodson (control your boner, Travicopter)
• Zach Miller
• Terrell Suggs (...who is so embarrassed by his ASU degree, he has disowned them and now claims to have matriculated at someplace called "Ball So Hard University")
• Vontaze Burfict (loves illegal hits and chihuahuas)

ASU plays home games at Sun Devil Stadium, a large boring NFL-style field built into "A Mountain" in Tempe.  No seriously, that's what it's called.  "A Mountain."  Like I said earlier, ASU isn't known for being a genius factory.

ROUND BALL

LOL weed joke.  (credit:  Nike)

Arizona State had a history of success with the bouncy squeaky ball from the late 50s to the early 80s.  Emphasis on the word "had."

ASU's basketball program retired along with legendary coach Ned Wulk in 1982.  ASU basketball still gets out occasionally, though.  In '95 they went on a really neat field trip to the Sweet 16.  But there were too many loud noises, and the seats were really hard, and they couldn't see the score, and there were too many "ethnics," and for some reason you're not allowed to make money by shaving points anymore.  So nowadays they're happy hanging out in Wells Fargo Arena, eating Jello, and yelling at the nurses.

Famous former hoopsters include:

• James Harden
• Thaaaat's about it

FANS

sportsillustrated.cnn.com

Sun Devil fans are pretty harmless...... unless their teams are winning.

I've visited Tempe 3 times for Husky games.  On the first 2 visits, the Devils weren't doing much on the field, and the fans mostly left us alone (besides a few requisite middle fingers).  They weren't "Nebraska Nice," but they weren't Oregon either.

For visit number 3, ASU was off to a hot 6-0 start and ranked in the top 10.  Sun Devil fans celebrated (before, during, and after the game) by screaming at every Husky fan they saw, throwing stuff at us from passing cars, and trying to fight me while in line for the bathroom.

If you visit Tempe for a sporting event, check ASU's win/loss record and prepare accordingly.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The Arizona State Sun Devil Marching Band is known as "The Pride of the Southwest," and holy crap are they proud of themselves.  They have the longest Wikipedia article I've ever seen dedicated to a marching band (obviously written by their PR dork, but still, wow).  It's longer than the Wikipedia article about U$C's marching band, and U$C's band is in movies and stuff.  It's pretty amazing, because I've seen ASU's band, practiced with them, hung out with them... and they're not interesting in any way.  They shuffle around the field twice per game and play halftime shows like "Tribute to the Opera" and "Tribute to Journey."  That Wikipedia article should be 2 sentences long:  "Arizona State has a marching band.  They wear giant plumes on their heads and are boring."

"Hey kids!  Guess where this hand is going?"  (yahoo.com)

Arizona State's suited mascot is named Sparky, and he's the creepiest mascot on the west coast.  His signature move involves spastically moving his head like he's having a seizure.  Also, he looks like Vincent Price if he came back to life as a pedophile.

sikids.com

If you've ever watched an ASU game on TV, you might have noticed their fans flashing gang signs.  I assure you that no white people in Phoenix are in gangs.  Those are actually "pitchforks." They're supposed to simulate the same pitchfork that Sparky carries around.  In reality, they look more like versions of "The Shocker" that would be uncomfortable or unsatisfying for the ladies.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

It's only a matter of time before Arizona State gets their act together and wins 12 straight titles in football and basketball.  All of the pieces are in place.  They're in a major metro area, the weather is totally awesome for 9 months every year, and they have no academic standards that would keep star athletes from qualifying.

But until that time comes, Arizona State University is the funniest running joke in the Pac12.  They're the most unapologetic party school west of Iowa.  A gifted 3rd grader would make the dean's list at ASU.  Their campus has zero atmosphere.  (Imagine if Bourbon Street ran through a suburban office park.  That's Mill Avenue and the Tempe campus.)

The only reason the Pac12 presidents keep ASU around is so they can take awesome golf trips to Scottsdale.

...and so fans of the northern "cold-weather" schools have a fun place to roadtrip for games.  (WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!)

D-Rock's 12 Best Football Things or Whatever

Hi.  I'm D-Rock,  and I'm a college football addict.

(chorus of voices: "Hi, D-Rock.")

My esteemed co-authors and I have differences about many things.  They enjoy Mexican food from El Rodeo in Blacksburg, whereas I do not.  They pwn noobs in Call of Duty, and I'm a permanoob in any video game that isn't Super Mario Kart. Their allegiance lies with a prestigious college football program in the Mid-Atlantic, while I swear allegiance to an imaginary school up near Alaska or something.

We do, however, share one important similarity:  We get an irrational level of joy from watching 18 to 23 year olds play American football for payment from wealthy boosters the love of the game.

We're about to tear the shrink wrap off of a new college football season, and I'm in a sharing mood.  But I struggle with how to share my feelings about what college football means to me.  I could never hope to match the eloquent contribution Travicopter made on this hallowed date last year.  And I hate most of the tripe that lazy sportswriters trot out every August.  But still, I need to testify in some way.

In the end, I settled on a 12-item list of "firsts" and favorite short stories from my years of adventures in college football.  You already know I'm a dork who enjoys West Coast football and wears purple.  (Even my life partner knows it's okay to buy me purple shirts).  Hopefully this will give you a clearer idea of where my addiction and world-view came from.  Enjoy.

1)  Husky Stadium, September 1998

My first UW game, first game as a Husky Band nerd, and first game in Husky Stadium was the "Leap by the Lake."  For the Hokies:  The game is referenced in that manner because Arizona's QB did a somersault into the end zone with 5 seconds left to beat UW.  For the Huskies:  UGGHHH I KNOW RIGHT????

tucsoncitizen.com

After the infamous front-flip, I looked around at 70,000 completely silent people and said "uhmmmmmmm.... is this normal?"

2)  Oregon in Husky Stadium, October 1999

The Ducks had beaten UW in 4 of the past 5 years coming into this anticipated night game on Montlake.  Husky fans were amped, angry, and had plenty of time to prefunk.

The Husky Band's pregame "run-on" involves a drum lead-in, and 200 nerds yelling and high-stepping onto the field.  It's pretty fun, I guess.

When our run-on for this hyped game started, I heard 2 seconds of drums... and then the most epic cheer/roar I've ever heard directed at a marching band.

UW went on to win by 14.

3)  Miami in Husky Stadium, September 2000

In the week leading up to this game, Miami players and coaches told reporters that they weren't afraid of the noise at Husky Stadium, because they had "been to lots of loud places before, like Syracuse and West Virginia."

Big mistake.

The Seattle Times picked up the comments, and UW fans were prepared.  Husky Stadium got so aggressively loud for this game, I couldn't hear my own saxophone at times.

4)  Apple Cup 2000, Pullman

Scene:  D-Rock walks the sideline at Martin Stadium.  UW leads 27-0 in the 2nd quarter.  UW has all but clinched the Pac10 title.  With this loss, Wazzu will finish 4-7 and stay home for bowl season.

deadspin.com

Two very drunk Coug fans:  "(rabble rabble rabble) FUCK THE HUSKIES (rabble) PURPLE IS GAY YOU'RE GAY (rabble rabble)"

D-Rock:  "Hey guys, check out that scoreboard!  And you know the best part?  This isn't our last game of the year!"

Drunk Coug fans:  "(GARBLE RABBLE GARBLE GARBLE WAAHHHHGARBLE RABBLE RABBLE WAHHHHHHHRBLE) I bet you voted for Gore, motherFUCKER!!!"

D-Rock stares in stunned, confused silence, then walks away.

5A)  Rose Bowl 2001, Los Angeles

Two random memories:

• Tom Brokaw was taller that I expected.
• Every lunch and a few dinners (for 5 days straight) were take-out boxes from Boston Market or In-&-Out Burger.  If I ever see another white lunch box from Boston Market or In & Out, I will involuntarily vomit.

5B)  Ten months later, back in LA for a UCLA game

Scene:  A charter bus, 10:00am.  Most band nerds still nursing hangovers from the previous night.

Band director:  "GAAAMEDAAAAY!!!"

Band nerds:  ".....gameday....(mumbles)"

Band director:  "Our bus driver has offered to stop at In & Out, whatta you guys think?"

Band nerds (in unison):  "NO."

6)  Apple Cup 2002, Pullman

On the drive into Pullman, and the walk to the stadium, Coug fans appeared quite assured of themselves.  And why wouldn't they be?  The Cougs were ranked #3 in the country, well on their way to the Rose Bowl or the BCS title game.  Meanwhile, UW was slogging through a disappointing season, and needed an improbable Apple Cup win to become bowl eligible.

So Coug fans were more punchy than usual for this Apple Cup.  Middle fingers were more prolific than in previous years.  The Cougs' favorite phrase involving the word "Fuck" was bellowed with more gusto.  And many Coug fans made sure we saw them waving their roses and bags of Tostitos.

A few hours later, after UW's epic win in triple overtime, for the first and only time in my life...... I rushed the field:

7)  Lane Stadium, September 2006

My first live Hokie game!

They played Northeastern!

I left in the 3rd quarter!

Sorry guys, it was REALLY boring.

8)  The Matt Ryan game, October 2007

Before the season, my cousin asked me if I wanted dibs on any of his VT season tickets.  I requested the Thursday night game against Boston College, because I'd never been to Lane on a Thursday night, and wanted to see if the experience matched the hype.

hamptonroads.com

Fast forward to October, and suddenly that Thursday night tilt was the "Game of the Year ©."

BC was ranked #2 in the country.  VT was #8.  Hokie fans were mental.  Matt Ryan and the Hokie defense were locked in an epic struggle all night.  And most fun of all (for me anyway), it was pouring rain.  It was an intense and relentless rain, unlike anything I'd experienced, even after going to UW home games for 4 straight years.  My socks were squishy early in the 1st quarter.  My Beam & Coke (shhhh) was half rainwater by the 2nd quarter.

The night didn't end well (the Hokies lost on the final drive, then I drank too much and made an ass of myself).  But it was some of the greatest fun I've ever had at a football game.  Thanks again, cuz.

9)  Arizona State, October 2007

Scene:  Sun Devil Stadium.  Myself and 2 friends have jerseys on, bearing the numbers 5, 18, and 21.

Drunk ASU fan seated behind us:  "Hey 21!  Heeey 21!"

#21 turns around

Drunk ASU fan:  "YOU SUCK!"

30 seconds later...

Drunk ASU fan:  "Hey 21!  21!  21!  Hey 21!"

#21 turns around

Drunk ASU fan:  "YOU SUCK!"  (giggles)

30 seconds later...

Drunk ASU fan:  "Hey 5!  Heeey 5!"

#5 turns around

Drunk ASU fan:  "Tell 21 he sucks!"

10)  Notre Dame, September 2009

The same group from Story #9 spent several days in Chicago before a Husky game at Notre Dame.  On Thursday night, we went to a karaoke bar in Boys Town.  And yes, it was as awesome as it sounds.

A family member, "#21," and I made lots of new friends after our enthusiastic rendition of NSync's "Bye Bye Bye."  When we returned to the stage for a Backstreet Boys-related encore, the MC proclaimed "Sorry guys, they're straight.  ....but they sing like they're gay!"

Later, a different group was performing an especially awful version of "Constant Craving" or something like that.  I told one of my new friends that I would pay him $20 if he stormed the stage and did an interpretive dance to their warbling.  To this day, that was the best $20 I've ever spent.

.........oh, and then 2 days later, UW lost a heartbreaker to the Irish in overtime.  But on the train ride to South Bend, we learned that Jack Daniels will soak through cheap Dixie cups.

11)  Nebraska, September 2011

Scene:  A bar in downtown Lincoln

Random Nebraska fan:  "Hey, Husky fans!  You guys want a drink?"

Scene:  A parking lot outside Memorial Stadium

Random Nebraska fan:  "Hey Husky fans!  You guys want a drink?"

Repeat 267 times.

Seriously, Nebraska fans are the best.

12)  Logan Thomas middle finger play, October 2011

Scene:  Champs Sports Bar, downtown Blacksburg, watching Miami-VT.  Hokies are down by 4 with one minute left.  VT ball.  4th & 1 at the Miami 20.

DirtyGirts:  "OMG I am about to poop myself."

D-Rock:  "Word.  But this is an easy play call here.  It's a play called 'Fuck You I'm Logan Thomas.'  If they call anything other than 'Fuck You I'm Logan Thomas,' Stinespring needs to be fired immediately."

Literally 10 seconds later, I swear to god...

DirtyGirts & D-Rock:  (With upside-down Miami hand symbol...)  "YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!"

West Coast Tour Guide: Boise State University

Boise is one of the most underrated towns in the West.  There's tons to do in the city, it's close to rivers and mountains, it has a temperate climate, and they've got the ice cream potato.

When I told some east coast friends that I applied for a job in Boise, I was heartily derided.  ("LOL, Nazis, Larry Craig, etc.")  I didn't get that job, but I'll have my revenge.  When I move there someday, I'm going to turn this site into a photo blog about my adventures in the real-life 1970s Coors commercial that is Boise. And you're gonna be sooooo jealous.

Unfortunately, this underrated city is home to one of the most overrated schools in the country:  Boise State University.

As Hokie fans, you probably know 3 things about Boise State:

• Blue field
• Fiesta Bowl '07
• Chokie Bowl 2010

Now you'll learn some other things.

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

Boise is a city of over 200,000 people, nestled at the eastern edge of the Treasure Valley in southwest Idaho.  The drive from Portland to Salt Lake City is over 800 miles long, and Boise is the only city on that drive that doesn't suck.  Also, like most of southern Idaho, Boise is about one-third Mormon.

Boise Junior College was founded as a Sunday School in the 1930s.  They started awarding 4-year degrees in the 60s, and finally achieved "university status" in the 70s.  Kirk Cameron, Mariah Carey, and Winona Ryder are all older than Boise State University.

For years, BSU languished as a broke-ass commuter college.  It was home to University of Idaho rejects and aspiring truck drivers.  But now, thanks to their wildly popular football team, BSU is the largest commuter college in Idaho!  With engineering classes and everything!

Your average Boise State student is white.  No seriously, I mean white.  Whiter than Mitt Romney's swimsuit area.  So white they make Josh Groban look like 2 Chainz.

Famous BSU alums include:

• A porn star
• That's about it

OBLONG BALL

LOL congrats on your stupid Vegas Bowl titles LOL (...weeps uncontrollably).

Boise State joined the "no bowls" football division in the 70s.  During their 20 years in the Big Sky Conference, they won 1 national title and lost a bunch of games to their in-state rival (U of I).

BSU started playing for bowls in 1996.  Good times have been abundant since then...

1999:  First 10-win season.  First bowl game, sort of.  (If it was played in their home stadium, does it still count?)

2003:  First bowl game played outside of Boise.

2006:  First undefeated season.  Beat Oklahoma in amusing fashion.

2009:  Another undefeated season.

2010:  Finally beat a "good" team other than Oklahoma.  (I blame the Hokies' uniforms.)

Boise State has won 10 games for 7 straight seasons, which means they are the greatest college football program ever according to Frank Beamer.

BSU has bounced among different conferences for their entire Division 1 existence.  They currently play in the Mountain West with Nevada, Wyoming, and a bunch of other schools that play Wednesday night games on ESPN2.

BSU is coached by Chris Petersen (seen above, celebrating another meaningless bowl win).  Each offseason, he's linked with every open football job across the country.  But Petersen never leaves Boise, and he never will.  Because nothing could replace the rich life he has in southwest Idaho.  ......Plus he'd have to give up 9 easy wins every year.

Famous former gridders include:

• Kellen Moore (PEW PEW!)
• Titus Young (Crazy person)
• Doug Martin (The running back on your opponent's fantasy team who scores 40 points over projection the week you play against him.  Fuck you, Doug Martin.)

Boise State plays on a blue field.  Their fans call it "The Blue," and thanks to the enablers at ESPN, they basically never shut up about it. Also, it will never be as awesome as "The Inferno."  (D-Rock's life partner wrote that.)

Boise State doesn't play Idaho anymore, because the fanbase in Moscow is full of nasty and inebriated rubes.  On a related note:  I'm guilty as charged.  I've been to a grand total of 2 Vandal football games, and I was very drunk for both of them.  At one game against Fresno State, I was so loud and obnoxious that I cleared out 3 rows around our group in the student section.  On another related note:  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)  WHO DO WE HATE???  (BOISE STATE!!!)

ROUND BALL

Note that no Boise State basketball players are pictured here.

Boise State has a basketball arena.  It was originally called "BSU Pavilion."  Now it's called "Taco Bell ArenAAAAHAHA WAIT SERIOUSLY THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED? AAAAAHAHAHAHAAA HA HA HAAAAAHAHAHAHAAA CHALUPAS."

Taco Bell Arena is one of the most storied venues in the NCAA tournament.  March Madness has been staged there 8 times, and it's been host to several dramatic finishes and early-round upsets.  Remember Tyus Edney's buzzer-beater?  That happened in Boise.  Remember when 15-seed Hampton upset 2nd seeded Iowa State?  That also happened in Boise.

BSU's basketball team also plays in Taco Bell Arena.  They mostly suck.

FANS

"KILLLLL MEEEEEE."

Everything I wrote about Gonzaga basketball fans also applies to Boise football fans.  Just read the "Fans" section at that link, and replace "Duke" with "Alabama."

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The "Keith Stein Blue Thunder" marching band is sponsored by a local beer distributor.  There is nothing else remotely interesting about Boise State's band.

During the 2010 Fiesta Bowl, everyone laughed at cowbell girl.  Then they found out she was blind.  Then everyone felt bad about themselves.

But I still laugh.  Not because of the blind thing, that's not funny.  It's actually pretty awesome.  Sound bounces around in a football stadium, so staying on-beat without seeing the director is freaking impressive.  Major props, cowbell girl!

I just think it's funny that BSU (like many bands) thinks they need all those extra instruments on the sideline. I mean, come on.  You're not the New York Philharmonic.  You're a college marching band.  You play in a giant concrete bowl for half-interested sports fans, many of whom are plastered.

How did this start?  What was that conversation like?  "You know what would really set off this half-tempo version of Livin' On A Prayer?  A cowbell and a marimba!!!!"  That's funny to me.  College marching bands have the potential to be so awesome, but most of them suck so hard.

Boise State's mascot is a donkey named "Buster Bronco."  Yes I know he's supposed to be a bronco.  He's not.  He's a donkey with a weird tail.  Fix it or learn to deal, Boise fans.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

Boise State is slowly turning into a respectable school.  Which is great.  Seriously, the entire state of Idaho is pretty short on those.

But even if I weren't a part-time Idaho fan, I can't approve of "Bronco Nation."

The current edition of Bronco Nation isn't a humble bunch of underdogs scrapping for respect on a blue field.  Today's Bronco Nation is a half-million bandwagoning dickheads, a bunch of insufferable ESPN fluff about blue turf, and the Frank Beamer Memorial "10-Win Season" Streak.  (Fun fact:  The infamous Statue-of-Liberty play that put Boise on the map?  That was seven years ago!)

There are a few sports teams that sorely need 3 years of bad times, just to clear out the bandwagon and to force ESPN to talk about something else.  Boise State football is Exhibit freaking A.

Happy vs Unhappy: Hokies 2013

I don't have a plan of action or an outline for this entry so excuse the rambling and musings.

Ultimately, the reason I'm most excited about this VT football season is because hype is low and I expect very little.  It's hard to be disappointed when the "feels meter" is hovering right around 0 going into the 2013 campaign.  There's question marks everywhere, mostly on offense, and we start the season against NFL, Jr.

I will be happy if

In the opener against 'Bama in Atlanta we score at least 10 points and don't lose by more than 17.

I know, I know. What? Am I even a Hokie fan?  I would be okay with a 27-10 defeat?  Well, only sort of.  Of course winning would be much preferred and also prove the existence of God which would also prove that Nick Saban is indeed Satan himself.  (Satan and Saban are similar...)  We all have our theories.  But with a new set of coaches, new coaching scheme, the same O-line, and the same wishy-washy quarterback it's really hard for me to feel confident playing against arguably the best college football program of the last twenty years.  Go ahead though, call me cynic.

mrsec.com

But look on the bright side.  We scored 10 points!  Right?  Remember last year when scoring 10 points was pretty awesome?  Even when we lost, watching our clueless offense peddle tricycles down the field and somehow scoring was mind boggling.  Were the other defenses even trying on that possession?  So yeah, 10 points against Alabama with our O-line of weak-hinged saloon doors, a quarterback more unpredictable than Johnny Manziel's Twitter account, not a single running back with college experience, literally no tight-end, and a handful of nobodies with "WR" near their name on the depth chart.  YEAH, 10 points against Bama in the first game might be all the confidence VT needs to go unblemished the rest of the year, right into the ACC championship.

And have a real good time.

Plus, 27 Alabama points means we either blocked an XP (BEAMER BALL!) or had Bama replace a couple of TD's for FG's (BUD BALL!).  I don't see how one can argue that either of those are bad.

I will be unhappy if

We come within a touchdown of losing or lose by 43 points.

If we come within a touchdown of dethroning the king of college football during our season opener with our fresh coaches and offensive band of misfits, I might seriously consider burning down every house within walking distance of the Blacksburg Country Club.  How dare you get my hopes up when they're so down!?  I already said I'm okay with losing this one!  You're going to make me feel like we have a shot and then murder my heart like that?  No.  Not okay.  Either you go out there and win or you lose by less than 17.  Period.
 
Remember Cincinnati last year?  Yeah.  We sucked.  If we had lost by the third quarter, I could have probably made it to my hot yoga class in time but no, you had to drag it out until the bitter end and lose on the last play.  Fuck.  Matt Ryan, too. Fuck.  It's hard to bounce back from a near victory and gut wrenching defeat, especially one against a team like Bama.

Stupid sexy Matt Ryan.

But seriously, don't lose by 43 points either.  If we lose by more than 17, I'll be pissed but I'll get over it in like 4 days.  But 43?  That will suck the life right out of the entire organization.  We'll turn around the next week and lose to Western Carolina or whoever and then my life won't be the same after that.  I'll have to change my name and move to the midwest where football is still popular but so is being sad and obese.  I could fit in there.  Get a job polishing wagon wheels or whatever the fuck they do out there for fun.  Anything to get my mind off the pain.

nytimes.com
48-7 didn't feel good either.

I will be happy if...

The new receiver's coach teaches the fundamentals of down field blocking.  As sorry as our O-line is at blocking, at least they try each play.  Last year, any rare moment a running back made it to the second level of defenders, the receivers were usually standing around clueless, probably expecting a bubble screen or something.  Marcus Davis even procured internet fame for sucking so bad at blocking.  To me, receivers blocking downfield is tremendously more important than anything the line can do.  Decent O-line blocking can net 3-4 yards at a whack.  But if your backs are consistently getting to the second level, a good block on a corner or linebacker means 10 more yards, 15 more yards, or more.

Aaron Moorehead seems perfect for the job.  He was a big receiver in his day (6'3, 200+) and blocked like a beast.  It's fundamental and our receivers have no excuse not executing decent down field blocking regardless of who's coaching.

I will be unhappy if...

Well, if we don't.  There's not much that can be done with the current state of our O-line.  Sure, Grimes has recruited well having only been in Blacksburg a short time so the future hogs look bright but this year is going to be what it is.  Then we have the shortage of high profile runningbacks we're used to.  Not having the established run game is really what I think handcuffed our offense last year aside from having a playcaller who scripted plays that had pretty shapes and no logic.  This year won't be much different at runningback and a starter from last year already got the boot before the season. 

So who do we have?  Gregory, Coleman, Edmunds, ...?  *shutters*.  With these offensive limitations, any chance a back has to net yards down field can't be hindered by receivers afraid to get their pads dirty. It happened an embarrassing amount of times last year.  It was so bad, even ESPN's worthless commentary picked up on it and pointed it out.

bleacherreport.com

I will be happy if...

By the time mid October rolls around, Logan Thomas isn't getting booed in the third quarter.  I don't think the 2011 Logan Thomas was an apparition but I also don't think he was first overall NFL draft selection material.  I also don't think 2012 Logan Thomas is really all the fault of Logan Thomas.  I think 2013 Logan Thomas would happily be a nice average of the two and I'm okay with that.



Less interceptions would be nice, maybe a 4:1 TD/interception ratio as opposed to 3:2 ratio of last year.  And I don't know, maybe some leadership?  Too often Logan would just storm to the bench and sit down real hard instead of getting together with his offensive teammates and deciphering Bryan Stinespring's sidewalk chalk formations.

I will be unhappy if...

By the third quarter of the second game, Logan Thomas doesn't look solid.  Bama is going to give him hell and I won't judge too harshly as long as he plays smart.  But by the time the second half of the next game rolls around against whoever (Blacksburg Summer Rec League Football Squad #4) if he doesn't look more polished, more confident, and more under control then our season is completely doomed.  Panic button, panic button.  Abort.  Overreaction!  Bu that's just me.

We'll probably have to settle for a MAC Tire Butt Plug and Jimmy Dean Sausage Apple TV Bowl against Miami...of OHIO.  But hey, as long as we win...

mgoblog.com

 I will be happy if

As cliche, predictable, and elementary as it sounds, I'll be really happy if this Loeffler dude pans out.  I'm too entrenched in VT football to force my narrow scope of what I want Tech to become outward to give an unbiased judgment.  As of now, he seems likeable which wins 0 football games.  His resume isn't terrible, but that doesn't win football games either.  So I'm blindly looking forward with hope that this change that we wanted becomes the change we needed.

techsideline.com

I will be unhappy if

Could our offense really get worse?  Last year as the exception for wins and losses, as a perennial top 20 program the last 15 years in recruiting and performance, to not yield a better offense than we have is nauseating.  I can't see it getting more disappointing or more uninspired but if it does, consider me quite unhappy.

Offseason review haikus

HOKIES

Questions:  Logan sucks?

Hired Auburn's leftovers

to beat Bama?  Huh?

HUSKIES

Lost the Apple Cup.

Lost to Boise in bowl game.

Sark:  Please win now please.

West Coast Tour Guide: University of California

(Russian accent)  Privet, comrade! For benefit blog West Coast Tour Guide, I introduce glorious communist school University California!  Workers of world unite!  (end Russian accent)

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of California at Berkeley (a.k.a. Cal, a.k.a. Kal) is a large public research school, and the flagship campus of the broke-ass UC system.  It's widely regarded as the best public school in the country, and one of the finest schools in the world.  As an SEC fan might say, they're "a bunch of liberal book-learnin' (derogatory term for homosexuals)."

Berkeley (a.k.a. Bezerkeley, a.k.a. The People's Republic of Berkeley) is a Marxist enclave of 100,000 people just north of Oakland in the East Bay.  Berkeley's a very nice city, with plenty of outdoor space, great restaurants, community events, and shopping opportunities.  It's like Eugene without the meth.

Like UW, Cal's status as a large research school means that describing a typical student is almost impossible.  There's a larger-than-normal hippie population in Berkeley, but it's hard to tell who is a student and who is "just taking time off to find myself, man."  (Translation:  Sitting in a tree to block stadium expansions.)

Famous alums of Cal include:

• Gregory Peck
• Steve Wozniak (Co-founded Apple with some dickhead)
• Kirk and Sulu from the new Star Trek
• "Tom from MySpace"
• The chick from Love & Basketball
• The lead singer of the Bangles
• The lead singer of Counting Crows
• The lead singer of Third Eye Blind
• The lead singer of AFI
• The lead singer of Primus
• William Hung
• A ton of Nobel winners, CEOs, astronauts, and other people who actually did something with their lives

OBLONG BALL

Cal has a history of football success, with emphasis on the word "history."  Their last Rose Bowl game was in 1959, and their last Rose Bowl title was during the Great Depression.

From the 60s through the 80s, Cal football was mostly mediocre, with occasional episodes of relevance (a split Pac-8 title in '75) and hilarity ("The Play" in '82).

Bruce Snyder finally poked the Bears toward respectability in the early 90s.  His '91 team finished in the Top 10, and was the only Pac-10 team to keep it close against UW (who went on to win the national title).  Snyder then "retired" to Arizona State, and Cal returned to mediocrity for another 10 years.

Offensive genius Jeff Tedford was hired as head coach in 2002.  Tedford's impact was swift and successful, as he quickly turned the Bears' offense into a national power.  Cal averaged 9 wins per year for Tedford's first 8 years, which is historic success at a football program most known for beating up band nerds.

"Why?  Why did I take this stupid job?  WHY???"  (Credit maxwaugh.com)

Despite this success, Tedford has not busted Cal's Rose Bowl slump.  His best season was 2004, when a talented squad featuring Aaron Rodgers won 10 games, and was in line for a Rose berth since the Pac-10 champ (U$C) was playing for the BCS title.  Unfortunately, Cal was robbed of the Rose by the lobbying of Texas coach Mack Brown.  Sidebar:  Mack Brown is overrated, looks like George W. Bush, and is one of my least favorite people in sports.  I've rooted for his punk ass to get fired every year since 2004.

The past 3 seasons have been even rougher for Tedford.  2012 will likely be Cal's 2nd losing season in 3 years, and Bear fans are sharpening their pitchforks.  Do the Hokies need any new blood in their offensive coaching staff?  Because you could do worse than Jeff Tedford.  Just sayin'.

Famous former footballers include:

• Aaron Rodgers (Doesn't like Nickleback.)
• DeSean Jackson (Fucking up my fantasy roster since 2011.)
• Marshawn Lynch (Enjoys driving awesomely, and eating a certain candy which features a rainbow of fruit flavors.)
• Kyle Boller (NFL flop, terrible taste in chicks.)
• Tony Gonzalez (137-year-old tight end.)

Credit:  D.H. Parks

Cal plays in old and scenic Memorial Stadium, which is literally wedged into Strawberry Canyon on the east side of campus.  Above the east stands lies Tightwad Hill, where cheapskates ("the proletariat," if you prefer) have gathered to enjoy free Cal games for years.

Memorial Stadium also lies directly on the Hayward Fault.  Before the latest renovation brought it up to code, the stadium would have been destroyed by a big earthquake along the fault.  Prior to every game, the PA announcer used to read an earthquake preparedness statement to warn fans of the danger, and to remind them of escape plans (usually consisting of "forget it, we're all gonna die").  Nice place to go out, though.

ROUND BALL

Like their football program, Cal's hoops team has a history of success, and that history is not recent.  In the 50s under coach Pete Newell, the Bears went to several Final Fours and won a national title.  Unfortunately, health issues forced Newell retire in 1960.  The Bears spent the next 25 years being less relevant than bayonets in a modern military.

In the late 80s and early 90s, coach Lou Campanelli brought consistent winning back to Berkeley, making several NITs and one NCAA tourney.  Things went sour about halfway through the '92 season, when the athletic director overheard Campanelli saying SWEAR WORDS to his players.  (OMG I KNOW RIGHT???)  So they fired his motherfucking cock bitch poopy ass.

"FUCK YOU, PAY ME."

Todd Bozeman replaced Campanelli.  Bozeman built on Campanelli's fucking great work, as Cal made the Dance in 3 of Bozeman's 4 years.  Unfortunately, Bozeman was also giving his star player's family a bunch of money to travel to games, which is (like most things in life) a huge violation of NCAA rules.  Once the star's playing time dropped, the parents called the NCAA and snitched (oopsies!).  Bozeman was fired, and Cal was forced to vacate a whole shit-ton of wins.  Bozeman was last seen at Morgan State, punching players in the face and getting in fights over ham sandwiches.

Ben Braun replaced Bozeman and coached at Cal for 12 years (including my time at UW), but I don't remember him.  That can't be good, right?  I know he recruited well, and Cal went to the tourney once every few years, but I literally remember nothing about him.  Anyway, Cal must have gotten REALLY bored of him, because in '08 they replaced him with the former coach of their hated rival.

And yes, ladies, carpet matches drapes.  (Credit:  Paul Sakuma/AP)

Mike Montgomery is one of the most respected coaches in the game, and has led Cal to the Dance in 3 out of his 4 years.  He's also old as fuck, so Cal better win something quick before he discovers cribbage.

Famous former Cal hoopsters include:

• Jason Kidd (After being drafted by the Mavs, Kidd said:  "Now that I'm here, we'll turn this program around 360 degrees!"  LOL.)
• Kevin Johnson (3-time All-Star with the Suns)
• Shareef Abdur-Rahim (The greatest Vancouver Grizzly of all time)
• Tony Gonzalez (Yep, the 137-year-old tight end)

Cal's basketball team plays in a little shoebox called Haas Pavilion.  They fit almost 12,000 folks in that little box, though, because the Cal engineers are super efficient.  (NERRRRRRDS.)

FANS

During my time as a student, Cal had the most pleasant fans on the west coast.  This was probably because their football team sucked ass, and their basketball team wasn't exactly world-beaters.  Tailgating is nearly impossible in Strawberry Canyon, so that might contribute to the apathy, as well.

Cal fans made a move toward the "dickish" side when the football team started winning under Jeff Tedford.  Having said that, they have a strong core of loyal, passionate, and respectful fans.  And I've never had anything thrown at me in Berkeley.

Some of the "new-money" Cal fans see UW as a newly intense rival in football.  This is because Cal hasn't beaten the Huskies since 2008 (when everyone beat UW), and also because UW stole 2 assistant coaches from Cal last winter.  As a UW fan, I wish to release the following statement regarding a "new rivalry" with Cal:  Meh.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The Cal Marching Band (a.k.a. the Pride of California, a.k.a. the Pacesetter of Marching Bands) is basically awesome.  They're one of only 3 "traditional" high-step bands on the west coast (UW and U$C are the others), so you have to be in somewhat decent physical shape to march with them.

More importantly and awesomely, they're ENTIRELY STUDENT-RUN.  They have a director and are supported by the university, but the STUDENTS pick the themes, score the music, and chart the field shows.  HOLY FUCK WHAT A CONCEPT!  Recent halftime music has included:

• Foo Fighters
• The Black Keys
• Pitbull
• Usher
• Video game themes
• Saturday morning cartoon themes

Cal Band has their own YouTube channel, so if you have an hour to kill, check 'em out.

The UW and Cal bands are BFFs, because of their shared tradition as high-stepping bands, and because we both hate the shit out of U$C.  Due to this special friendship, we enjoyed several glasses of "milk" together during my time among the nerd ranks.  A few memories:

• UW used to do a "Band Cruise," where we rented a large boat to drive us around Lake Washington while we danced and killed several kegs.  One of those cruises coincided with a home game against Cal, so we invited the Cal Band to join us.  It was awesome.  Those Cal kids are expert milk-drinkers, and know how to keep vomit away from a dance floor.
• The Cal Band has their own version of a "frat house."  It's pretty swank digs.  The Cal Band throws parties there after every home game, and invites visiting band nerds.  One party was especially awesome.  I won't get into details, mostly because I don't remember them.

Cal doesn't have a live mascot.  (Pshh, I know right?  Bears aren't THAT hard to control around large groups of people.)  But they do have a suited mascot named Oski.  Oski's goofy look hasn't changed since the Civil War, but he's likeable, popular with the ladies, and loves to drink.  Oski's mask does not include many orifices suitable for beer consumption, but once again, those Cal kids are a smart and resourceful bunch.

...seriously, though, Oski loves to drink.

...I don't think you heard me the first 2 times.  Oski LOVES to drink.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

Cal is my second-favorite Pac-12 team.  I mean come on, how can you NOT love them?

• The Bay Area is gorgeous, and Soviet Berkeley is great once you get past the bread lines.
• Bear fans are mostly nice (except for the new-money assholes).
• The football team has a high rootability factor, so even when you lose to them you're like "awwww, Cal, look how adorable you are!"
• The hoops team wins, and has just enough cheating in its history to give it some "color" (but not enough to call them "dirty").
• Their band is entertaining.
• Their mascot is a fun drunk.

With all of that being said......  UW really needs this win Friday.  Sorry, Cal.  Take that dirty Golden Bear and shove it up your ass.