West Coast Tour Guide: Washington State University

Edited November 2016.  To D-Rock's Coug friends: Happy Apple Cup week! Next round of Busch Light is on me.


For this West Coast Tour Guide, I'll introduce you to UW's main in-state rival, Washington State University. WSU is commonly referred to as "Wazzu," which is also a nickname for your butthole.

Back when Washington was a territory, and locations for major institutions were being decided, the city of Walla Walla was given a choice. They would be awarded either the state prison, or the land-grant college that would become Wazzu. Walla Walla chose the prison, for reasons that will become obvious shortly.

The annual football game between UW and Wazzu is known as the Apple Cup (or the "Crapple Cup" when both teams suck). The Apple Cup is a big deal for the weirdos who live or grew up in that state. UW leads the all-time series by something like 1,473 to 12.

Wazzu is quaint, adorable, and irrelevant in almost every facet of its existence.  But let's learn some things about them anyway.

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

Washington State University is in Pullman, a town of about 30,000 on the Idaho border, an hour south of Spokane. Almost 75% of Pullman’s population is students, so Pullman summers make Blacksburg summers look like New Year’s Eve in Times Square.

Pullman lies in the "Palouse" region of Washington and Idaho. The Palouse consists of rolling hills, wheat fields, one worthless ag school, and one shining beacon of knowledge. (Moscow, home to the University of Idaho, is 7 miles from Pullman.  Go Vandals!)

Wazzu has several fine academic programs, including vet medicine, agriculture, and journalism. It attracts many bright young scholars who aspire to be our nation's next great food and animal scientists, among other noble professions.

Wazzu also attracts tons of kids who aspire to spend 6 years drinking themselves stupid.

Wazzu's beverage of obsession is Busch Light. By itself, the Pullman-Moscow area accounts for 10% of total national sales for Busch Light, earning this beer its nickname: "Pullman Water."

In the spring of '98, Wazzu administrators enacted a more strict policy against on-campus drinking.  Wazzu students responded with peaceful protests, including sit-ins at the president's office, and productive debates withHAHAHA JUST KIDDING THEY RIOTED.

During my grad school years at Idaho, some classmates and I would occasionally head to Pullman for a change of scenery.  On one of these Pullman Nights, I was dragged to a bar on Colorado Street.  (Valhalla?  Shakers?  I dunno, they all looked the same to me.)  Within 30 minutes of arrival, I had witnessed the following:

• Two bros attempting to lick freshly spilled Busch Light off of a gross bar table.
• Five drunk chicks tripping on a short flight of stairs, and 2 falling down them.
• An extremely drunk girl on crutches, attempting to dry-hump some dude to the rhythm of "Drop It Like It's Hot."

Take-home message for the east coasters:  If you're under the age of 25, and loooooove drankin', Pullman is pretty awesome.  If both of those things aren't true, you're gonna have a bad time.

Famous alums of Wazzu include:

• Edward R. Murrow (journalist)
• Paul Allen (the "other guy" from Microsoft)
• Keith Jackson (legendary sports announcer)
• The dude who created The Far Side
• "Bill Nye the Science Guy" did some grad work there, but doesn't list it on his CV. (Gosh, I wonder why...)

OBLONG BALL

Wazzu's football history consists of long periods of depressing futility, punctuated by occasional bowl losses. Prime example: The Cougs went to their first Rose Bowl in a billion years in '97, lost to Michigan, then finished last in the Pac10 in '98 and '99.


Wazzu football is the inspiration for the term “Cougin' It."  This verb was initially used to define Wazzu's tendency to lose football games in the final minutes via their own mistakes (fumbles, blown coverages, etc.).  Over many years of usage, it has now come to define any form of failure that occurs in spite of all-but-assured success.

Let’s use it in a few sentences:

• "Oh man, I totally Couged that easy putt."
• "The date was going really well until I Couged It by farting during dessert."
• "In 2002 Mike Price left Wazzu to become Alabama’s football coach, then he Couged It so hard."

Side note:  Younger Coug fans, who haven't yet embraced Wazzu's long and distinguished history of failure, have tried to flip this term to "Dawgin' It," because ha ha U Dub sucks Huck the Fuskies 0-and-12 and so forth.  The new phrase hasn't stuck outside of Pullman, but lord knows they'll keep trying until someone acknowledges their effort.  (More on that later.)

Wazzu calls itself "Quarterback U," because they've sent a bunch of overrated QBs to the NFL. Drew Bledsoe, Mark Rypien, and Ryan Leaf are just a few of the QBs who have victimized NFL rosters.


Speaking of Ryan Leaf a.k.a. my favorite Coug of all time: One time some friends of mine (all wearing UW gear) ran into Leaf and his "entourage" at a restaurant in San Diego. Leaf brusquely asked the Huskies if they were from Seattle.  After they all said "yes," he made a wack joke about coffee, and all of his sycophants laughed hysterically.  Ryan Leaf is so cool. I wonder what he's up to right now.

My 2nd favorite Coug of all time was a running back named Deon Burnett. Deon was a dickhead whose shit-talking far surpassed his talent.  Before the '99 Apple Cup, Deon guaranteed a Wazzu win, and promised that he would break the Pac10 freshman rushing record.  Neither of those things happened.

...P.S. One year later during the Apple Cup, with UW up 27-0 at halftime, Deon cleared his locker and quit the team.  I'm going to repeat for emphasis, because as weird as it sounds, I assure you that this is a real thing that actually happened: Wazzu's running back quit the team at halftime of the Apple Cup.


My 3rd favorite Coug is "legendary" quarterback Jason Gesser (above, 3rd from right). In 2002 Wazzu thought Gesser was the bee's knees, so they ran a Heisman campaign for him. As part of this effort, they hung a poster on the grain elevator in Dusty, WA. (Population: 12.) Those Cougs are so clever.

...P.S. Jason Gesser went 0-3 in Apple Cups. Then Oklahoma destroyed the Cougs in the 2003 Rose Bowl, and Gesser cried about it.  Now he's the color commentator on Wazzu radio broadcasts, and is certifiably terrible at it.

Wazzu was coached for several years by Paul Wulff (pictured above, smelling his own farts). Wulff saw great success as coach of FCS powerhouse Eastern Washington University.  Then Wulff went to Wazzu, where over 4 years he won a grand total of 9 games.

Instead of signing Wulff to a lifetime contract like all Husky fans wanted, Wazzu fired him and hired Mike Leach (pictured above, looking weird).  Leach is famous for his "Air Raid" offense, and for his rambling press conferences about things that aren't football (e.g. dating tips, YouTube videos).  After Leach won his first Apple Cup, Wazzu immediately inducted him into their hall of fame, extended his contract by 10 years, and named 2 buildings for him.  (More on that UW obsession a bit later in this post...)

The Cougs play home games in Martin Stadium, a glorified high-school field that's named for a UW graduate. Not kidding.

ROUND BALL

Wazzu's basketball team is similar to the football team, except the periods of futility are about 3 times longer.  Wazzu returned to dominance in the 2000s under Tony Bennett, but when Bennett left for UVA, the Cougs quickly returned to irrelevance.

Home games are played in cavernous Beasley Coliseum. Good seats are always available.

Coug basketball players love weed.

...no seriously, they love weed.

......I don't think you understand, they really really love weed.

FANS

Coug fans are a passionate and rabid bunch... sort of.

Football games rarely sell out (despite their tiny stadium), because the team usually sucks, and because Pullman is in the middle of fucking nowhere. Basketball game attendance is even lighter, because snow and ice make travel to Pullman difficult in winter.

The fans who do show up are drunk and a bit surly, but nothing you can’t handle. Find common ground in a shared hatred of Oregon, or dangle a Busch Light in front of them, and all will be well.

Coug football fans will rush the field (see above) for the following events:

• Defeating a 1-10 UW team in the Apple Cup
• Defeating a 0-12 UW team in the Apple Cup
• Defeating any UW team to win the Apple Cup

Coug basketball fans will rush the court (see above) for the following events:

• Defeating a ranked UW team
• Defeating a .500 UW team
• Catching the hint yet?

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The Cougar Marching Band is tiny and lame. Wazzu actually pays each nerd a stipend of up to $350 just to be in the band. Apparently Wazzu isn't paying them enough, because they're less entertaining than the last 30 minutes of SNL.


This is Wazzu’s mascot. His name is Butch T. Cougar. Butch is a special cougar whose face was beaten in by its own tail.

Wazzu used to have a live cougar, but they got rid of it because Wazzu is not legally allowed to be that awesome.

Every week during football season on ESPN College GameDay, you might have noticed 1 or 2 Wazzu flags in the background. A small group of Coug fans started this tradition in 2003. They've vowed to continue flying the flags every week until GameDay broadcasts live from Pullman.

Since 2003, GameDay has broadcast from Eugene 8 times.  They've also been to Corvallis, Seattle, Boise, and Provo.  They've visited the Air Force Academy, UMass, James Madison, and North Dakota.  But alas, despite the flags, GameDay has still never broadcast from Pullman.

In what I'm sure is a completely unrelated story, the Wazzu football team's record since 2003 is 68-101.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

For the most part, WSU coexists nicely with the rest of the Pac12. The Palouse is beautiful (sometimes), and WSU is a fine institution (sometimes). Coug fans are great people, and a few of them are close friends of mine.  My childhood neighbors are major WSU boosters, and are totally awesome people.  Ferdinand's is amazing.  Cougar Gold cheese is delicious.

However, in the state of Washington (ohh this is going to piss off the Cougs who read this...) Wazzu epitomizes the term "little brother."

Imagine if one school in Virginia had literally all of the "nice things" (research money, successful sports teams, etc.). That's the UW-Wazzu dynamic. With a few exceptions, UW's academic programs are more highly regarded across the board. UW historically dominates Wazzu in both "big money" sports. UW is located in one of the greatest cities in the world, while Wazzu is located in a backwater about 10 miles past the end of civilization.

Now before you start feeling sorry for poor ol' Wazzu, you should know that this dynamic breeds a very intense "little brother" syndrome. The Cougs desperately crave attention (see: the GameDay flags), and live to beat UW in any competition (the Apple Cup, number of license plates sold, fundraising to paint the Space Needle, etc.).  Any other success is gravy. Sweet, delicious gravy.  Perhaps washed down with an ice-cold Busch Light.

Dawg fans hate Wazzu as well, but not to the same extent. They see the Apple Cup as a way to keep the mouthy Cougs quiet for another year.  And I do mean one full year.  Because thanks to the Cougs' obsession with UW (plus Wazzu's history of failure), Coug fans will not shut up about winning an Apple Cup.  Hell, most Coug fans obsess over UW's winless 2008 season as if it's the greatest accomplishment in Wazzu football history.

Let's put this another way: For Coug fans, winning the Apple Cup is the end-all-be-all.  It's Wazzu's annual bowl game. Coug fans pour all of their emotional energy into this game every year.  Many Coug fans would gladly and un-ironically take a 1-10 season from their football team, if that one win was in the Apple Cup.  For UW though, winning the Apple Cup is like getting through Thanksgiving dinner without arguing with your racist uncle: Just an annual obligation.

Let's put this even more simply:  Wazzu's football coach gets a $25,000 bonus for winning the Apple Cup.  By contrast, if UW wins the Apple Cup, the Husky football coach gets to keep his job sometimes.

For my east-coast friends, this is your take-home message: Wazzu sees itself as the lovable underdog. But in reality, they're more like that annoying little dog that obsesses over one particular toy, and won't stop yapping or nipping at your ankle.


......by the way, did I mention that Wazzu kids drink a lot?