West Coast Tour Guide: University of Oregon

Edited October 2013:  Details updated, but general theme ("Oregon fans are a bunch of soulless, classless, insecure new-money buttholes") remains.

In a continuing effort to educate my Eastern friends on the colleges of the "Best Coast," I present another installment of "West Coast Tour Guide."

Most of you East Coasters likely know much about the University of Oregon already.  Even if you aren't a sports person, you probably know about Oregon's bright football uniforms.  Or their connections with Nike.

If you are a sports person, you might know that Oregon has been very good at football for almost 20 years.  And that they score a lot of points.  And that Oregon and Washington have a bitter sports rivalry.  (Like, extremely bitter.  Like "death-threats-against-UW's-mascot" bitter.)

You might be tempted to take my views on Oregon with a large grain of salt, because I'm a Washington native, UW graduate, and recovering Husky Band nerd.  And I wouldn't blame you if you did.

For what it's worth, let me present my credentials.

I tend to be pretty level-headed and objective about most things.  Every issue has multiple sides, and I'm pretty good at seeing all of them.  If you get into a political debate with me, regardless of your views, I will probably annoy you.

I've been to college football games in roughly 15 or 20 different locales.  As a visiting fan (and especially during my time hauling a saxophone around the country), I've witnessed the worst that every fanbase has to offer.  The number of middle fingers I've had directed toward me is probably close to 10,000.

This bad behavior can be easily explained away.  College football is as close as we get in this country to European soccer.  It evokes an insane amount of passion in otherwise rational people.  Add alcohol to this ecosystem, and suddenly you have a straight-laced 42-year-old insurance salesman chucking his empty glass bottle at a visiting cheerleader.  It happens.

So you see, I only know how to speak in objective and factual terms.

Having said all of that, the Oregon Ducks and their fans (objectively speaking) are the absolute worst.  Not because I'm a Husky fan and I'm supposed to say that.  But because they are actually the worst.

Read on to learn why this is a true fact that cannot be debated.

Or if you're a Duck fan, just leave your "Huck the Fuskies" in the comments section and move along.  (And thanks for the click!)

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of Oregon is in Eugene, the 2nd largest city in Oregon, about 2 hours south of Portland. The Eugene-Springfield metro area is a picturesque setting with lots of cultural and recreational opportunities. It's also home to riotous anarchists, hippies, meth addicts, and the University of Oregon. This makes Eugene unlivable for people with brains or basic hygiene skills. It's pretty unfortunate.

UO boasts highly ranked programs in business, education, and law among other fields. But ever since college football was invented in 1994 (more on that later), nobody at UO has cared about those book-learnin' things.

Leading the Duck fans' fight against brainpower and morality is UO alum and former Nike CEO Phil Knight (pictured above, surfing on a pile of money). Phil (a.k.a. "Uncle Phil") is UO's pimp. He has contributed hundreds of millions of dollars to UO, most of it going toward books, computers, science equipment, professors' salaries, and other scholarly pursuits. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING! Here are a few examples of what his money bought:

• Basketball arena (named for his son)
• Football practice facility (includes his own personalized locker)
• Academic support complex for student-athletes (includes life-sized etchings of himself in the ladies' restrooms)

In the 2000s, Uncle Phil forced the athletic department to hire his buddy Pat Kilkenny (above, 3rd from left) as their athletic director. Pat didn't have a college degree or any reasonable experience, both required prerequisites for the AD job.  But Uncle Phil said it was all good, so UO went along with it because they like money. After hanging out for a few years and naming the baseball stadium for himself, Pat resigned and went back to selling insurance or something.

In 2000, Uncle Phil threatened to withdraw a $30mil donation (toward football stadium improvements) because UO's president voiced support for an anti-sweatshop group. Very long story short, UO shut their stupid whore mouth and took Phil's money.

Take home message: Phil Knight runs UO. He's a terrible person with extremely fucked-up priorities. And Duck fans love him.

Other famous Oregon alumni include:

• Bill Bowerman (founded Nike, probably not as bad of a person as Phil Knight)
• Greg Behrendt (terrible comedian who wrote “He’s Just Not That Into You”)
• Sweet Dee from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
• Ann Curry (Former morning talk show host.)
• Steve Prefontaine (legendary distance runner and drunk driver) (THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT)

UO did produce one item of value: It was the filming location for National Lampoon's Animal House.

OBLONG BALL

According to their dickhead fans, Oregon did not field a football team until 1994.  More specifically, this exact moment in 1994.

In their first glorious year of existence, the Ducks used thrilling wins over U$C and UW to catapult themselves to a Pac10 title.  After getting destroyed by Penn State in the Rose Bowl, UO named the field at Autzen Stadium for their coach, Rich Brooks. Brooks is the only coach in history with a sub-500 career record to have a field named for him. Brooks then left Oregon for the Rams, lost a bunch of games, then went to Kentucky where he lost some more games.

Mike Bellotti took over for Brooks. Bellotti was famous for having a porn mustache, an insane wife, and extreme UW envy. In his years as head coach, they won a bunch of games, but only one major bowl: the 2002 Fiesta Bowl. Wanking motion goes here.

In 2008, an awkward change of power occurred, in which Bellotti became athletic director, and his offensive coordinator (Chip Kelly) became coach. Two years later, Bellotti was forced to resign as athletic director, because Uncle Phil's golf buddy needed a job or some shit.

Chip Kelly introduced the "blur" offense that UO is now known for. He also introduced a culture of lax discipline and blatant cheating. This strategy produced 3 straight conference titles, UO's first Rose Bowl win since Prohibition, a BCS title game loss, countless player arrests, and a recruiting scandal involving a shady dude named Willie.

While the NCAA considered penalties for the recruiting scandal, Chip left for the NFL without admitting any wrongdoing (a strategy popularly known as "The Pete Carroll").  He was replaced by Mark Helfrich, who's best known for directing the Oscar-winning smash hit "Good Luck Chuck."

This uniform includes wings, for protection on heavy flow days.

About 12 years ago, Uncle Phil decided to use UO's football uniforms as garish billboards for Nike. Because UO likes money, and believes that any publicity is good publicity, they've happily embraced this tradition of increasingly ugly uniforms. ("But the kids love them!" Shut your whore mouth, Oregon.)

Famous players from UO include:

• Clair Huxtable’s real-life husband
• Akili Smith LOL
• Joey Harrington LOL (One time I saw Joey Harrington on a plane. He’s just as much of a doofus in person.)
• Onterrio Smith (a.k.a. Bongterrio Smith, a.k.a. Mr. Whizzinator)
• LeGarrette Blount (a.k.a. FALCON PUNCH!)
• Jeremiah Masoli (a.k.a. Jeremiah MacStoli)
• LaMichael “Does LaMichael have to choke a bitch?” James
• Cliff “We smoked it all” Harris

The football team plays home games in Autzen Stadium, a.k.a. the Willamette Valley's asshole.

ROUND BALL

Oregon has a tradition of off-and-on basketball success. They won a national title in the year 536 BC, and made a few tournament runs under Ernie Kent in the 2000s.

Ernie Kent was famous for winning many Lou Rawls look-a-like contests, and for ALLEGEDLY going to Mexico on an ALLEGED "recruiting trip" with an ALLEGED woman who was ALLEGEDLY not his wife (allegedly).  He was eventually fired when the winning slowed but the scandals didn't.  Ernie then tried to get a job at Colorado State, but they hired a raging alcoholic instead.  Ouch.

After firing Ernie Kent, the delusional Ducks tried to use Uncle Phil's money to lure an "A-list" basketball coach to Eugene. The search list included Tom Izzo, Tubby Smith, Coach K, Phil Jackson, Pat Riley, and John Wooden. After epically failing, UO settled on some dude named Dana. I'm sure he's just a placeholder until John Wooden returns their call. (Wooden has been dead for a year, but shhh, don't tell them.)

UO used to play in "historic" (read: dumpy and urine-stained) MacArthur Court. They've since moved to the Matthew Knight Arena, right down the street from the Phil Knight Memorial Masturbation Palace, and the Scooter Knight Memorial Dog-Pissing Forest.

The new arena has a basketball floor design that is described as "unique" by Duck fans, and "ugly as shit" by everyone else.

FANS

(Reminder: The "O" symbol that Duck fans like to make with their hands still means "vagina" in sign language.)

UO's fanbase makes Autzen Stadium the loudest and toughest place for opponents to play on the west coast. When the basketball team is good, Matt Arena is similarly loud.

UO's fanbase is also consistently voted as the worst on the west coast, and among the worst in the country. For you East Coasters, Duck fans can be described as a hybrid between West Virginia and Miami fans: aggressive, loud-mouthed, classless, bandwagoning douchebags.

Some of the things I’ve had thrown at me during trips to Autzen Stadium:

• Peanuts
• Dog treats
• Beer bottles
• Batteries
• Full cans of pop

On one particularly nasty trip, we walked by a family of UO fans, including a 2-year-old girl dressed in a UO cheerleader outfit. As we passed, the girl yelled "HUSKIES SUCK," much to the delight of the UO tailgaters.  Because you see, Duck fans aren't just terrible people, they're also terrible parents.

Even Chip Kelly hates Duck fans:

There are numerous other published stories about the boorish behavior of Duck fans, and doing a search would just raise my blood pressure. Google away if you're interested.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The Oregon Marching Band (OMB) is your standard "make shapes and boring music" band. They sound decent though, so if you're lame and you're into that sort of thing, check 'em out.

The OMB is also outfitted by Nike. In the 2000s, Nike gifted them with the uniforms seen below. They were retired after Jewish fans complained. I personally don't see any resemblance to Nazi Youth uniforms, but y'all can make your own judgment...

The Rose Parade and Bowl Game are 2 of the biggest events a college marching band can participate in.  The parade is broadcast live on several networks, and during halftime each band is guaranteed several minutes of coverage.  It's a HUGE honor.  For this special occasion, Oregon's band showed up in their best and classiest uniform: track suits and baseball caps.

The OMB is directed by former UW Husky Marching Band assistant, and current traitor, Eric Wiltshire.

Oregon's mascot is a Donald Duck suit that a Eugene anarchist stole from Disneyland in the 60s. The Duck's nickname is "Puddles." Puddles enjoys eating bread and shitting in public fountains, just like the other hippies and anarchists of Eugene.

In 2002, UO introduced "Mandrake" (a.k.a. "RoboDuck," a.k.a. "Duck Vader") in an effort to phase out Puddles. Due to fan complaints, this effort lasted less than a year, and Puddles returned to full-time duties. Apparently Duck fans have standards after all.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

The Oregon Ducks are the very definition of "new money."

Any program that is new to success will likely have fans who don't know how to handle it without being dicks.  (See: UVA 2011.)  But as much as it pains me to say, UO isn't new to success. UO has been relevant on the college football landscape for 18 years now. Yet for some reason, 90% of Duck fans are stuck in the "dickish" phase.  And what's worse, every time another program complains about their behavior, UO plays it off as "jealousy." Hey Duck fans: Denial is just the FIRST step.

Kirk Herbstreit once described UO perfectly: "The Ducks are the college football version of Paris Hilton. They're famous for no reason, they look pretty, and they got a rich daddy." While UO might buy their way to a national title someday, all that money still won't buy them any class.

UO is one of the most hated programs on the west coast, and the direct cause of many of my worst experiences in college. If you aren't a UO alum, but choose to root for the Ducks in any athletic contest, you should be ashamed of yourself.

P.S. To the Duck fans who made it all the way through this article, congratulations and thanks for the traffic!  By the way, the last time I was in Eugene, I got stupid drunk and peed on Oregon Hall.