West Coast Tour Guide: U$C

Since the 3 other residents of this "blog" are not as familiar with college sports west of Knoxville, it's my job as Pac12 Docent to introduce y'all to the wild wonders of the left coast. As part of this obligation, I'll be filing a running series of posts presenting fun facts (or UW-biased tripe) on a different Western institutionism of the learnings.

General areas of interest will include:

• School and environs
• The oblong ball
• The round ball
• The fans
• Band nerds, mascots, and other symbols
• How this makes you feel

This week's topic is U$C.

..................oh by the way, UW plays U$C tomorrow at 3:45pm Eastern! Only on FX! Your home for nonstop reruns of "Two and a Half Men!"

EDIT 10/8/2012:  UW plays U$C this Saturday night at 7:00pm.  It's on Fox, who stole Erin Andrews from ABC/ESPN, and still can't beat them in the ratings. ("That's so Fox!")

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

U$C (a.k.a. University of Southern California, a.k.a. University of South Central, a.k.a. University of Spoiled Children, a.k.a. University of Sucking Cock) is located in one of the shittiest parts of Los Angeles, which is saying a lot. It's a large private research university, primarily attended by aspiring model-actresses, humongous douchebags, and front-running sports fans. So, you know... a typical cross-section of L.A. residents.

One of U$C's biggest draws is its film school. As such, it boasts an impressive "famous alum" list, including...

• Ron Howard (director of great movies like The Missing)
• George Lucas (ruiner of childhoods)
• Gene Roddenberry (king of the nerds)
• Joe Francis (child pornographer)
• A few of the kids from Laguna Beach

Additionally, several highly acclaimed TV shows and movies have been filmed on U$C's campus, including...

• The O.C.
• Gilmore Girls
• Blue Chips
• House Party 2

OBLONG BALL

U$C's football team is historically the best football team on the west coast. They've won 38 conference titles, 11 national titles, and (if you're into this sort of thing) 6 Heismans. U$C is known for cheating, stout defense, flashy offensive playmakers, and cheating.

The Trojans play in the historic Los Angeles Memorial Mausoleum Coliseum. It's almost as rough as the neighborhood it sits in, so come armed.

Lane Kiffin (a.k.a. Kiffykins, a.k.a. "Slow Lane" Kiffin) is U$C's current football coach.  He is a bitch.  Exhibit A.   Exhibit B.      EDIT 10/8/2012:  Exhibit C.

Pete Carroll was U$C's head coach/cheater through the 2000s. Yeah, he coaches my beloved Seattle Seahawks now. What's your point?  Win Forever!

Famous former U$C players include:

•   Basically half of the NFL

Also, Matt Leinart knocked up his college girlfriend, then dumped her for Paris Hilton.

ROUND BALL

U$C's basketball team also occasionally wins/cheats.

Hey, remember Lil' Romeo? Master P's son? Terrible rapper? Well, Lil' Romeo used to play for U$C!  He was recruited for his unmatched ability to warm a bench, and also because his BFF is former NBA prospect (current Toronto Raptor) DeMar DeRozan. In Romeo's 2 years on the team, he saw scrub duty in 9 games, played 19 total minutes, and scored 5 points.  Ballin'!

EDIT 10/8/2012:   Since leaving U$C, Romeo has kept busy by losing on Dancing with the Stars, and stalking some chick named Demi Lovato.  He's also still making music, releasing a single this year called "Hug Me Forever."  I won't provide a link to it, because it's fucking awful.

FANS

The Coliseum is packed and loud when the Trojans are winning 10 games per year. During these times of plenty, it's common to see many celebrities on the U$C sideline, including Snoop Dogg, Will Ferrell, Kirsten Dunst, Fez from That 70s Show, and the dude from 98 Degrees. Conversely, the Coliseum is empty when UCLA football is better.

U$C fans are unaware that they have a basketball team. (Unless the team wins 25 games, then they've "always been huge fans, you don't even KNOW, check out my car flags, dude.")

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The U$C Marching Band (a.k.a. "The Spirit of Troy") is one of the most recorded and filmed college music groups in the country. They were on a Fleetwood Mac album in the 70s, they've been in a crap-ton of movies, and they perform at the Oscars and Grammys pretty constantly.

They also suck. I mean even for a college marching band, they really, REALLY suck. Their football game playlist consists of 2 songs: The one they play after every fucking down, and the one they play after a score. Additionally, they might be the biggest douchebags at a school full of them. I hate the U$C band, and you should, too.

U$C's live mascot is a Medieval Times performer riding a white horse.

EDIT 10/8/2012:   I know I should probably include the U$C Song Girls in this section.  But I refuse, for 2 reasons:

1. I'm not really a "sweater" guy. I know a lot of guys dig that sort of thing, but I just never understood it.
2. If you would like to see young college-aged females in sweaters, BOY are you at the wrong website.  May I suggest you try the rest of the god damn internet?

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

U$C has a football tradition that commands respect. Much of the country gives them flak for their legacy of cheating, and attempts to diminish their resulting accomplishments. But U$C seems to have a firm grasp on the truth that good guys never finish first in college sports. Don't hate the player.

However, their star-fucking fans, their horrible band, and their douchemeister football coach make U$C extremely easy to hate. Watching your team defeat U$C in anything (especially football) is always a great pleasure. I hope to enjoy this pleasure again Saturday. 

..................also, O.J. did it.