Being a Husky football fan hasn't been all sunshine and steak dinners for the past 9 years. In fact, it's been mostly the opposite, whatever that is. (Rainstorms and Ryan's Buffet?) And because UW's schedule always includes Oregon, U$C, and at least 1 tough nonconference game, that's 3 near-certain losses to eat every year. But I'm invested, and I have to watch. It's a horrible disease.
To give you some insight into one of these especially wretched gamedays for a Husky fan, I kept a diary of UW's matchup with #3 LSU on Saturday. Bonus: Due to actual non-football-related illness, I was forced to watch this game without the benefit of alcohol. This will probably be more fun for you than it will be for me.
6:50pm: ESPN is turned on. I'M SOOO EXCIIIIIITED! I'm so exciiiiited! I'm so....... scared.
6:52pm: Oh lord, it's Lou Holtz and Mark May. Guess I'll switch to ESPN2 for a bit.
6:53pm: Oh lord, it's Robert Smith's dumb ass. Back to ESPN.
6:55pm: Obligitory Penn State story is on. Can't stop staring at the chin on Penn State coach Bill O'Brien (see above). That thing is literally a butt. I wonder if food crumbs get stuck in there. Does he floss it?
7:01pm: Todd Blackledge just quoted Charles Dickens while describing LSU. OH GOD I NEED BOURBON, I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA MAKE IT.
7:06pm: Huskies kickoff, LSU fumbles, Husky ball! Alright alright alright.
7:10pm: 2 dropped/bobbled passes. Settled for a field goal. Optimism remains at cautious levels.
7:11pm: "My iPhone app says it's almost 90 degrees!" Another insightful sideline report from Holly Rowe.
7:16pm: First of what I'm sure will be several shots of the Honey Badger sitting in the stands. His girlfriend (or sister?) looks EXACTLY like the arranged bride-queen from "Coming to America" (see above). I giggle to myself.
7:17pm: Holy crap, LSU's first possession is a 3-and-out. Optimism rising.
7:20pm: UW goes 3-and-out, and has a ridiculously short punt. LSU scores 2 plays later. Disregard all previous statements regarding optimism.
7:27pm: UW's best offensive lineman is hurt. Of course. Of freaking course. Of goddamn course. Of mother-lovin' course.
7:31pm: Josh Shirley (UW's "sack specialist") gives a ridiculous 2-handed judo chop to Zach Mettenberger's head. Roughing the passer, 15 yard penalty. I laugh.
7:35pm: Josh Shirley completely whiffs on a sack, leading to a modest LSU gain. I laugh again. I have to. Otherwise I will cry.
7:37pm: Game paused as I teach my life partner how to work the new DirecTV remote and not order Pay Per View.
7:38pm: Life partner is unhappy with the new setup. "All I want to do is tape 'Soul Surfer.' This thing is a (bad word)."
7:40pm: UW's left tackle almost gets Keith Price killed on a blind side sack.
7:41pm: UW's punt goes 18 yards. Need bourbon.
7:48pm: LSU's running back drags UW's best linebacker almost 5 yards. This is a pretty accurate depiction of UW's linebacking corps. LSU scores 2 plays later.
7:50pm: Football games used to be one of the last refuges from politics on television. Unfortunately, this is the second time I've seen the Clinton/Obama ad tonight alone. Hmm, those spare batteries on the coffee table are looking mighty tasty.
7:55pm: Text from Travicopter: "I'm drinking every time they pan to Honey Badger. I'm already pretty f***ed up."
7:58pm: For the love of flying spaghetti monster, how many tackles is Sean Parker going to miss tonight?
8:00pm: Now the entire UW defense has caught Sean Parker's missed-tackle virus. Great.
8:02pm: And now UW has decided to stop covering slants, which account for half of LSU's pass game. Hey Hokies, what would VT charge to contract out Bud Foster for 2-3 games every year? Just wondering.
8:05pm: UW's defense wakes up in time to make a goal line stand and force a field goal. Optimism levels rising.
8:13pm: Halfway through the 2nd quarter, UW has -5 yards rushing. LOLz.
8:15pm: Odds that Keith Price will die tonight: 42%.
8:18pm: Oh hey, Shaquille O'Neal is at the game. Guess that Mexican basketball deal didn't work out?
8:20pm: Oh hey, check out UW's "super-frosh" Shaq Thompson, whiffing on an easy interception and giving LSU a 16-yard gain.
8:25pm: Josh Shirley whiffs on yet another sack. Luckily LSU drops yet another pass.
8:26pm: LSU settles for a field goal on a 2nd straight drive. Optimism levels holding steady.
8:30pm: 2 penalties on 1 play for UW: Holding AND intentional grounding. Optimism gone. Need bourbon.
8:34pm: UW's left tackle almost gets Price killed again.
8:41pm: Halftime. LSU 20, UW 3. Keith Price is still alive. For now.
8:43pm: ...yeah, I can't listen to Lou Holtz and Mark May for 20 minutes. Gonna go walk the dog instead.
9:05pm: 2nd half kicks off. Husky ball. Hope springs eternal.
9:06pm: ...aaaaand false start on 1st down. Nevermind. I miss bourbon.
9:08pm: UW's left tackle almost gets Price killed again.
9:14pm: Obvious dropped lateral pass by LSU is returned for a UW touchdown. Refs and replay officials have other ideas. I'm oddly unfazed. Nothing surprises me anymore.
9:16pm: Chik-Fil-A has the worst advertising strategy ever, and I'm not talking politically here. The only time I ever crave Chik-Fil-A is on Sundays, after watching Chik-Fil-A commercials during football all day Saturday. I'll be driving around doing my Sunday morning errands, and those freaking cows will get into my subconscious. Then I'm like "hmm I sure could go for some Chik-Fil-A right now OH WAIT IT'S SUNDAY BLARRGHHHH DAMN YOU CRAZY SOUTHERN BAPTISTS!"
9:19pm: LSU scores again. Maybe I'll watch "Coming To America" instead.
9:22pm: Hey check it out, Lee Corso in jammies. Thanks for the nightmares, ESPN.
9:28pm: Here's to you, LSU's Eric Reid. How DARE the referee cramp your defensive style, right? Sure it was the most blatant pass interference of all time, but you have EVERY right to whine like a teenager about that call. You go girl.
9:36pm: Can we just replace Holly Rowe with a computer that recites relevant Wikipedia articles?
9:39pm: At this point, Alfred Blue and Spencer Ware are just taking turns doing running drills on UW's defense.
9:40pm: As I wrote that last bit, an LSU receiver got behind UW's defense, sat down at the 5-yard line, ate a sandwich, Purelled his hands, got up, stretched, caught a pass, waved to his mom, and walked into the end zone.
9:43pm: "Zach Mettenberger is really pulling off that mustache," said no one ever.
9:44pm: Seriously Zach, I'm no fashion maven, but that thing is pathetic. I realize that as LSU's quarterback, you're probably well-acquainted with all of Baton Rouge's finest skanks. But at some point you want to meet a classy b*tch, right? My life partner is a beautiful woman of exquisite taste, and she thinks you look like a douche, and would never have sex with you. That thing's gotta go, dude.
9:46pm: Odds that Keith Price will die tonight: 62%.
9:49pm: UW stringing together a decent drive... just in time for the 3rd quarter to end.
9:50pm: My favorite part of "Coming To America" is when Eddie Murphy (I can never remember character names) is at the St. John's basketball game with that one chick and the dude from "ER." Eddie Murphy wants so desperately to fit in, but he doesn't understand American sports culture. So he ends up yelling things like "I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE," and "YES, IN THE FACE!" It's hilarious. I totally should have watched that movie instead of the Husky game tonight.
9:54pm: UW drive ends on downs. If I weren't ill, I'd be hitting the bourbon REALLY hard right now. Or changing the channel to a better game. Or watching "Coming To America."
9:59pm: UW doesn't have negative total rushing yards anymore! Wooooooooo!
10:02pm: This is how far this game has stooped: They just showed an instant replay and analysis of an LSU lineman falling over while trying to tie his shoe. Is it over yet?
10:05pm: I'm glad Les Miles is enjoying himself. Because I'm not. Every time they show his smug smiling ass, I want to knee him in the grapes.
10:06pm: LSU scores again. 41-3. Right now, the only thing keeping me invested in this game is ensuring that Keith Price lives through it.
10:10pm: HOLY CRAP Price is still in the game. Oh lord make it stop.
10:11pm: "Great story, Holly Rowe," says announcer Brad Nessler. It's funny hearing him try to hide his contempt. I like Brad Nessler.
10:12pm: UW's left tackle takes a break from trying to get Price killed, and commits a false start.
10:15pm: A pathetic 3rd-and-long screen pass gets blown up. ...That's it. White flag. Uncle. I'll live without seeing the last 5 minutes of this. With my last game-related thought of the evening, I take solace in the fact that at least UW's quarterback isn't a total douchenozzle who looks like he owns a windowless van.
