West Coast Tour Guide: UCLA

EDITED 12/31/2013:  Gave this a quick polish for the Hokies who want to know more about Westwood High School.  Enjoy!

What up, Hokies?  Hope this series of posts continues to be helpful.  The most recent West Coast Tour Guide post covered one of the few "basketball schools" of the Pac12. Let's keep that theme rolling, because I know you ACC fans love to talk hoops!

In this edition, you'll learn a bit about the best basketball school west of Kansas: UCLA.

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of California Los Angeles is a well-respected branch campus of Cal Berkeley. This really bothers the snooty Cal fans, but most UCLA alums are too coked out to notice.

In most academic rankings of public schools, UCLA is found below Cal (and sometimes UVA, UNC, and Michigan). However, when it comes to general douche-i-ness, UCLA is second to none.

While U$C is in an area you shouldn't visit unarmed, UCLA is located in the posh Westwood neighborhood. Visitors with $10 haircuts are turned away at the main gate, unless they got the $10 haircut "ironically."

UCLA goes by many derogatory nicknames:

• The Cal Extension School
• FUCLA
• SUCLA
• Westwood High School
• Under Construction Like Always
• U-C-Lots-of-Asians
• University of Caucasians Lost among Asians
• Holy Crap Look at all the Asians

UCLA's "famous alumni" list is extremely long. For brevity's sake, I'll just tell you that Johnnie Cochran and half of freaking Hollywood went there.

OBLONG BALL

Despite basketball being king, UCLA's football program doesn't historically suck. Among western schools, they're 2nd in conference titles (to U$C) and top 4 in win percentage. The Bruins are mostly known for passing a lot on offense, wearing baby blue, and having lustrous hair.

UCLA saw a bunch of success under Terry Donahue from the 70s to the mid 90s. Bob Toledo took over for Donahue, coasted for a few years, then got fired in 2002.  (For the Hokies:  Bob Toledo = Larry Coker.)

In the 10 years since, UCLA has hired and fired 2 more coaches, as their play has waffled between Clemson-esque and Duke-tastic.  Their latest victim is former NFL coach Jim L. Mora. Mora is a former walk-on at UW, and recently leveraged a UW job offer into a fat raise from UCLA.

Famous former Bruin footballers include:

• Troy Aikman
• Maurice Jones-Drew
• J.J. Stokes
• Cade McNown LOL
• Rick Neuheisel (Conflicted feelings about this one)
• Mark Harmon (Yeah, the dude from NCIS! Not kidding!)

UCLA doesn't have an on-campus football stadium. For many years, they shared the L.A. Coliseum with U$C (kinda like New York's Jets and Giants, only wayyyyy douchier). The Bruins currently play 25 miles off campus at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. Going to a Bruin home game at the fabulous Rose Bowl is sorta like going to a 5th grade band concert at Carnegie Hall. It's not the same experience.

ROUND BALL

UCLA is all about the round orange ball.

UCLA was coached for a zillion years by John Wooden. Wooden was nicknamed the Dark Lord Wizard of Westwood. The Bruins won 10 national titles under Wooden, including 7 straight in the 60s and 70s. In those days, cereal was only 30 cents a box, and a Bruin basketball player only cost a few thousand bucks.

"He wants TEN grand? Well... alright..."

(Side note: A UCLA booster paid for cars, housing, and abortions for the basketball team, and they won a billion titles. Miami did the exact same stuff for its football team in the 2000s, and they only won one title. Hey Canes: You're doing it wrong.)

UCLA won another title under Jim Harrick (above, middle left) in '95. It should be noted that the team was mostly recruited by then-assistant, and current UW head coach, Lorenzo Romar. Just sayin'.

Harrick was fired a few years later for some weak-ass shit. Oooh, he paid for some recruits’ dinners and then lied about it. Pbbffft.

Steve Lavin (above) took over for Harrick. Lavin won a lot, but didn't make a Final Four, and had ridiculous Pat Riley hair. He also had one bad year where UCLA went 10-19 and missed the tournament. This might fly at 90% of Pac12 schools, but it'll get you fired at UCLA.

Ben Howland (from Pitt) replaced Lavin. The Bruins went to 3 Final Fours under Howland, but didn't win a national title, which is another fireable offense at UCLA.  Steve Alford replaced Howland last year, and I look forward to UCLA's rationale for firing him.

Former Bruin hoopsters include:

• Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Star of the comedy classic Airplane!)
• Bill Walton (Fucking hippie.)
• Baron Davis (Million dollar mouth,10-cent talent.)
• Jordan Farmar (What's up with that dude’s ears?)
• Kevin Love (Forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves)
• Russell Westbrook (Point guard for the Zombie Sonics.)
• Reggie Miller (See Baron Davis. Also, his sister was better.)

UCLA plays in historic Pauley Pavilion. Depending on the opponent, Pauley can be extremely raucous, or UVA-ish.

FANS

Los Angeles is home to some of the most finicky sports fans on the planet.  L.A. fans love a winner, but abandon their support in droves at the first sign of adversity.

Despite the heavy regional prominence of bandwagoning, UCLA does have a relatively loyal following for its basketball team.  Even when no students show up, the alumni support is pretty steady.

The football team is a different story. Bruin football is a case study in L.A. fandom.  Despite a history of success, the football team only gets interest if they win 9 games, and if U$C isn't as good. So, you know... not often.

Bruin fans also get really mouthy after a few wins, just like U$C fans, Dodger fans, and especially Laker fans. It's just an L.A. thing.

Take home message:  UCLA fans are super annoying.  But they can't help it.  They're victims of their environment.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The UCLA Bruin Marching Band (a.k.a. "The Solid Gold Sound") walks around, makes circles and lines, and wears gold capes. Any band that wears capes automatically sucks at life. ...okay maybe that's not fair. From my experience, only half of the Bruin band is "nerd alert" material. And at least they're not the U$C band.


Speaking of the Trojans... Every 4 years, a week before the U$C game, the Bruin band performs a halftime show that parodies the fall of Troy (complete with togas and a Trojan horse). UW's band played this show with them in '99, because nobody can resist a chance to hate on U$C. Pictures are here, and it was just as fun as it looks. Here's a video of their 2011 show (bad sound, but you get the idea):

UCLA's proximity to Hollywood affords the Bruin band with opportunities to appear in a bunch of movies, including Hello Dolly and 500 Days of Summer. They also played in the music video for "Bugaboo" by Destiny's Child, and on a Dan Fogelberg album in the 80s.

UCLA has male and female mascots: Joe and Josephine Bruin. They aren't creepy at all. Nope. Not even a little bit.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

PROS: UCLA is a fine institution with a number of great academic programs. It has a basketball tradition that commands respect, and a football program that should probably get more respect than it does. Westwood is pretty nice.

CONS: It's in Los Angeles. Most of the fans suck.

FINAL VERDICT: At least they're not U$C.

West Coast Tour Guide: University of Arizona

EDIT 9/26/2013:  UW plays "Other 'Zona" this Saturday night on national television, so I figured I should double-check this article for relevance.  Turns out Past D-Rock did great work, and Present D-Rock only had to change a couple of sentences!  Thanks, Arizona!  Don't you go changin'!

Time to end this hiatus and bust out another West Coast Tour Guide!

Pac12 basketball is kinda like ACC football.  A few schools care about it, but most use it as a distraction during the offseason of the other big-time sport.

One of the few "basketball" schools out west is the University of Arizona.  Let's learn more about the school Trav refers to as "Other 'Zona."

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of Arizona is located in Tucson, a sprawling city of half a million people in the Sonoran desert. Tucson is a 90-minute drive from Phoenix, and less than an hour from Nogales, Mexico (a.k.a. Dirty Nogales, a.k.a. Donkey Show Capital of the World). Tucson's nickname is "The Old Pueblo," which is Spanish for "The Old Meth Lab."  Tucson is a scenic and adventure-loving town, surrounded on all sides by mountains, Saguaro cacti, and illegals.


UA was originally a land-grant college, so you'd think they'd at least have a decent animal science program or something. But alas, UA ranks in the bottom third of the Pac12 academically, above only Oregon State, Utah, and Arizona State.

On the plus side, UA often shows up on those "best party school" lists (usually below Arizona State). I can personally vouch that 4th Avenue in Tucson is an excellent place to get hammered.

The University of Arizona library

Your typical UA student is usually one of the following:

• An Arizona resident with no other options
• A local engineer using free tuition credits to take grad classes (sup, Greg!)
• An aspiring model/actress who is too dumb for UCLA, too smart for Arizona State, and too poor for U$C

Famous alumni of UA include:

• Geraldo Rivera
• Jerry Bruckheimer
• Greg Kinnear
• Nicole Richie
• One of the Kardashians
• Caroline Rhea
• Garry Shandling
• Kristen Wiig
• ...and tons of other unfunny and untalented people

To be fair, Tucson isn't just for drunks, drug runners, and bad comedians. Several classic westerns were filmed around Tucson, and UA was the backdrop for the greatest goddamn movie of all time: "Revenge of the Nerds."

OBLONG BALL

Arizona and Arizona State joined the former "Pac8" conference in the late 70s. ASU has taken advantage of this opportunity, going to 2 Rose Bowls during the Pac10 era. Arizona? Not so much. In fact, they're the only "original" Pac10 school to have never qualified for a Rose Bowl.

UA has fielded a few great teams. But they've all had the shittiest of shit luck. Observe:

1986: UA had a very talented squad. Unfortunately, the Pac10 was loaded (4 teams finished in the top 20). They finished 8-3, with a late upset loss to Stanford sending them to the Aloha Bowl.

1993: UA rode their famous "Desert Swarm" defense to a 7-0 start and #7 ranking. Then they got blown out by UCLA on national television. Two weeks later they were upset by Cal, sending UCLA to the Rose Bowl. (UA ended up torching Miami in the Fiesta Bowl.)

1998: This UA team was stacked, featuring 2 talented QBs, a future pro at tailback, and a stifling defense. They went 11-1, with their only loss coming to UCLA. UCLA was riding Cade McNown and DeShaun Foster toward the BCS title, which would have sent UA to the Rose Bowl. Unfortunately, UCLA was upset by Miami in the final week, sending UCLA to the Rose Bowl, and UA to the Holiday instead.

UA was coached for 8 years by Mike Stoops (pictured above, explaining how NAFTA has destroyed U.S. manufacturing). His tenure was marked with inconsistent play, bizarre sideline rants, and veiny foreheads. During a game in 2011, when a referee asked Stoops how his kids were doing, Stoops had a violent stroke and died at the age of 49.

Arizona's current coach is Rich Rodriguez (a.k.a. RichRod, a.k.a. Josh Groban's biggest fan).  You might remember RichRod from another academically slow school: West Virginia. You might also know him for recruiting such upstanding citizens as PacMan Jones, Chris Henry (RIP), Noel Devine, and some dude who robbed a Smoothie King. With this checkered recruiting history, plus Tucson's party scene and proximity to Nogales, I look forward to Arizona's football players exploring new ways to get in trouble.  I will bet $50 that a starter on the football team will be arrested on federal drug or gun charges within the next 5 years.

Famous UA alums in the NFL include Rob Gronkowski (pictured above, at a bible study with his cousin or something) and Tedy Bruschi. Did you know that Tedy Bruschi had a heart condition? I saw this piece on ESPN about Tedy Bruschi having a heart condition, then coming back to play in the NFL despite his heart condition. Then I saw this other piece on ESPN about Tedy Bruschi having a heart condition, right after this other ESPN story about Tom Brady’s hair and Tedy Bruschi’s heart condition.

UA plays at Arizona Stadium. I've run the ramps at Arizona Stadium as part of a 5K road race. But just like 90% of UA fans, I've never been there for a football game.

ROUND BALL

Since the 1980s, when Lute Olson was hired away from Iowa, UA has had an annoying obsession with basketball.

Lute Olson coached at Arizona for 25 years. During that tenure, UA made the tournament every year, won 11 conference titles, went to 4 Final Fours, and won 1 national championship. It should also be noted that Lute was an enormous bitch to officials. Seriously. I went to tons of UW games in the late 90s and early 2000s, saw many coaches in action, and nobody rode the refs (without getting technical fouls) more than Lute Olson. But hey, whatever works.

"...and then I'm gonna poop on you like this! Don't EVER call a foul on my team again!"

After taking the 2008 season off for personal issues (cough divorce cough), Lute abruptly retired less than 1 month before the start of the 2009 season. After those 2 lost years, Sean Miller took over and got UA to be competitive again. Dammit.

UA is known as Point Guard U, because they've sent a bunch of great point guards (and a ton of other overrated players) to the NBA. Here's a small sample:

• Steve Kerr (Michael Jordan enthusiast)
• Damon Stoudamire (weed enthusiast)
• Gilbert Arenas (gun enthusiast)
• Mike Bibby (daddy issues)
• Jason Terry (streak shooter extraordinaire)
• Luke Walton (the most overrated player in the history of basketball)

Home games are played at the McKale Center.  For many years, average age of fans in the lower bowl was around 90, and students sat in the rafters with Lute Olson's old suits.  UA finally established a courtside student section 10 years ago, and as you can see in the picture above ("LOL giant balloons you guys weeeeee!!!"), they're still figuring things out.

FANS

Let's be clear: UA is a basketball-centered fanbase.

Having said that, if the football team wins a few games, UA fans can have a real dickish streak.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The "Pride of Arizona" marching band makes shapes, wears sparkly things, and plays boring music. They’re exactly like 90% of other college marching bands across the country. They're nothing to be "proud" of.

Arizona has male and female mascots: Wilbur and Wilma Wildcat. Wilma was created as a partner for Wilbur in the 1980s, and they were married after an extremely short courtship. They have both been miserable ever since, using UA sports to distract themselves from the enormous mistake that has led to their vacant, emotionless existence.

UA had a live mascot (a bobcat) for many years. But just like Wazzu's live cougar, they had to get rid of it, because UA is not legally allowed to be that awesome.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

Arizona is the second most successful basketball school on the west coast (after UCLA). Tucson bleeds cardinal and blue from November to March, but it's more of an oozing wound for the rest of the year. The football team pops up every once in a while (along with the usual dickish new-money fans), then fades back to mediocrity. Rich Rodriguez is working to change that dynamic, but it's an uphill battle at a school where the mere mention of Lute Olson still elicits insta-boners.

Here's the million dollar question, though: Why doesn’t Arizona (or any warm-weather school) completely dominate every sport they participate in? Recruiting to a school like UA should be easier than convincing Paris Hilton to sleep with you.

If I were a football coach at UA, ASU, any L.A. school, or any Florida school, I wouldn't even hire a recruiting coordinator. I would just bring a recruit to campus, and tell them to walk around for a day. Oh hey check it out, there are palm trees. And it's warm year-round. And everyone's tan. How UA and ASU don't have their pick of every high school recruit is one of life's great mysteries.

Anyway, I digress. UA and Tucson are pretty great. Just watch out for the UA football fans, the old lady drivers, and the drug cartels, and you’ll enjoy yourself.

Also, if you visit a taco truck, "tacos de sesos" are cows' brains. Just FYI.

The Thing About Pac12 Refs...

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Hokies.

Rough game last night.

I know it still stings. I've been there too many times. Heart-wrenching losses aided by Pac12 refs are the worst.

Now that you've gotten your initial "fudge"-filled texts, Tweets, and Facebook posts out of the way, there's something you should know about Pac12 refs.

They suck for everybody.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

So yeah. In the Pac12, we put up with this on a weekly basis.

There's a secret to dealing with Pac12 refs, though:

Don't leave the game in their hands.

When you play a close game, you're giving Pac12 refs an opportunity to decide the game's outcome for you. And as you've just witnessed in gory detail, you can't count on Pac12 refs. Things can end very badly.

Here's how the Hokies tempted fate and put the game in the incapable hands of Pac12 officials:

• One touchdown on 5 red zone trips. (Ouch.)
• O'StinesCain's belief that David Wilson is a power-back. (He isn't. Stop running "power" plays for him.)
• The failed punt-fake in the 4th quarter. (What a bizarre play-call. VT's defense had been rocking Blue's world all night. In that situation, you've got to "dance with who brung ya." Pin them deep and let your defense win it.)
• Two key turnovers. (Especially that fumbled kickoff. Yowza.)
• Penalties. (The VT O-line picked a couple of inopportune times to melt down. And that 2nd Hosley interception was pass interference.)

Blaming inept Pac12 refs is easy, and totally understandable. Coale's TD catch in overtime was a catch (or at the very least, shouldn't have been overturned). The first Hosley interception was complete. The roughing-the-kicker penalty was tenuous at best. The no-call (illegal motion) on Michigan’s fake field goal was outrageous.

But take it from me: Playing close games with Pac12 refs is like playing with matches. Once in a while, you're going to get burned.

(...and once again, sorry for your loss.)

The Hokies Beat Themselves

The Hokies lost an exciting Sugar Bowl, but not from an overturned TD in OT.  I know it's easy to grasp onto that instance and say we got cheated, but in all fairness the ball did touch the ground.  I don't agree it was enough to overturn the call either, but that wasn't the real problem.  The Hokies painted themselves into a OT corner that shouldn't have even happened.

The first big mistake: roughing the kicker.  The Hokies should have gotten the ball back, but instead Michigan got 7 points that never should have happened.

The second, and most egregious mistake: botched trick play.  The Hokie defense had been man-handling Michigan for the most part.  With the score tied, in the fourth quarter, and on 4th down, Beamer decided to not be Frank Beamer for a play and tried a fake punt that failed harder a Peyton Manningless Colts team.  There were two other and better options to choose from in this case: 1) punt the damn ball, let the defense shut down Michigan like it had been doing all game, get the ball back, score, win, go home.  2) Give it to Thomas and let him smash through for that 2 yard gain.  In any other game that Beamer has ever coached, he would have gone with option 1.  I really don't understand the play call.

There were other mistakes, of course, like fumbles and interceptions, but those things happen.  But the two problems listed above should never have happened.

But I don't want to sound like I'm ragging on the Hokies too hard.  For the most part, they played an excellent game.  Wilson couldn't get much going, but Thomas and the receiving crew were on their game.  And the defense really only had one big mistake the whole game, when Whitley went for the the interception instead of the tackle, and let a touchdown go.

And for our third-string kicker to come out and hit 4 of 5 is pretty damn good.  I know he feels bad about missing that last one, but in my opinion, he should be proud of his performance.

West Coast Tour Guide: University of Oregon

Edited October 2013:  Details updated, but general theme ("Oregon fans are a bunch of soulless, classless, insecure new-money buttholes") remains.

In a continuing effort to educate my Eastern friends on the colleges of the "Best Coast," I present another installment of "West Coast Tour Guide."

Most of you East Coasters likely know much about the University of Oregon already.  Even if you aren't a sports person, you probably know about Oregon's bright football uniforms.  Or their connections with Nike.

If you are a sports person, you might know that Oregon has been very good at football for almost 20 years.  And that they score a lot of points.  And that Oregon and Washington have a bitter sports rivalry.  (Like, extremely bitter.  Like "death-threats-against-UW's-mascot" bitter.)

You might be tempted to take my views on Oregon with a large grain of salt, because I'm a Washington native, UW graduate, and recovering Husky Band nerd.  And I wouldn't blame you if you did.

For what it's worth, let me present my credentials.

I tend to be pretty level-headed and objective about most things.  Every issue has multiple sides, and I'm pretty good at seeing all of them.  If you get into a political debate with me, regardless of your views, I will probably annoy you.

I've been to college football games in roughly 15 or 20 different locales.  As a visiting fan (and especially during my time hauling a saxophone around the country), I've witnessed the worst that every fanbase has to offer.  The number of middle fingers I've had directed toward me is probably close to 10,000.

This bad behavior can be easily explained away.  College football is as close as we get in this country to European soccer.  It evokes an insane amount of passion in otherwise rational people.  Add alcohol to this ecosystem, and suddenly you have a straight-laced 42-year-old insurance salesman chucking his empty glass bottle at a visiting cheerleader.  It happens.

So you see, I only know how to speak in objective and factual terms.

Having said all of that, the Oregon Ducks and their fans (objectively speaking) are the absolute worst.  Not because I'm a Husky fan and I'm supposed to say that.  But because they are actually the worst.

Read on to learn why this is a true fact that cannot be debated.

Or if you're a Duck fan, just leave your "Huck the Fuskies" in the comments section and move along.  (And thanks for the click!)

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of Oregon is in Eugene, the 2nd largest city in Oregon, about 2 hours south of Portland. The Eugene-Springfield metro area is a picturesque setting with lots of cultural and recreational opportunities. It's also home to riotous anarchists, hippies, meth addicts, and the University of Oregon. This makes Eugene unlivable for people with brains or basic hygiene skills. It's pretty unfortunate.

UO boasts highly ranked programs in business, education, and law among other fields. But ever since college football was invented in 1994 (more on that later), nobody at UO has cared about those book-learnin' things.

Leading the Duck fans' fight against brainpower and morality is UO alum and former Nike CEO Phil Knight (pictured above, surfing on a pile of money). Phil (a.k.a. "Uncle Phil") is UO's pimp. He has contributed hundreds of millions of dollars to UO, most of it going toward books, computers, science equipment, professors' salaries, and other scholarly pursuits. HAHAHA JUST KIDDING! Here are a few examples of what his money bought:

• Basketball arena (named for his son)
• Football practice facility (includes his own personalized locker)
• Academic support complex for student-athletes (includes life-sized etchings of himself in the ladies' restrooms)

In the 2000s, Uncle Phil forced the athletic department to hire his buddy Pat Kilkenny (above, 3rd from left) as their athletic director. Pat didn't have a college degree or any reasonable experience, both required prerequisites for the AD job.  But Uncle Phil said it was all good, so UO went along with it because they like money. After hanging out for a few years and naming the baseball stadium for himself, Pat resigned and went back to selling insurance or something.

In 2000, Uncle Phil threatened to withdraw a $30mil donation (toward football stadium improvements) because UO's president voiced support for an anti-sweatshop group. Very long story short, UO shut their stupid whore mouth and took Phil's money.

Take home message: Phil Knight runs UO. He's a terrible person with extremely fucked-up priorities. And Duck fans love him.

Other famous Oregon alumni include:

• Bill Bowerman (founded Nike, probably not as bad of a person as Phil Knight)
• Greg Behrendt (terrible comedian who wrote “He’s Just Not That Into You”)
• Sweet Dee from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
• Ann Curry (Former morning talk show host.)
• Steve Prefontaine (legendary distance runner and drunk driver) (THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT)

UO did produce one item of value: It was the filming location for National Lampoon's Animal House.

OBLONG BALL

According to their dickhead fans, Oregon did not field a football team until 1994.  More specifically, this exact moment in 1994.

In their first glorious year of existence, the Ducks used thrilling wins over U$C and UW to catapult themselves to a Pac10 title.  After getting destroyed by Penn State in the Rose Bowl, UO named the field at Autzen Stadium for their coach, Rich Brooks. Brooks is the only coach in history with a sub-500 career record to have a field named for him. Brooks then left Oregon for the Rams, lost a bunch of games, then went to Kentucky where he lost some more games.

Mike Bellotti took over for Brooks. Bellotti was famous for having a porn mustache, an insane wife, and extreme UW envy. In his years as head coach, they won a bunch of games, but only one major bowl: the 2002 Fiesta Bowl. Wanking motion goes here.

In 2008, an awkward change of power occurred, in which Bellotti became athletic director, and his offensive coordinator (Chip Kelly) became coach. Two years later, Bellotti was forced to resign as athletic director, because Uncle Phil's golf buddy needed a job or some shit.

Chip Kelly introduced the "blur" offense that UO is now known for. He also introduced a culture of lax discipline and blatant cheating. This strategy produced 3 straight conference titles, UO's first Rose Bowl win since Prohibition, a BCS title game loss, countless player arrests, and a recruiting scandal involving a shady dude named Willie.

While the NCAA considered penalties for the recruiting scandal, Chip left for the NFL without admitting any wrongdoing (a strategy popularly known as "The Pete Carroll").  He was replaced by Mark Helfrich, who's best known for directing the Oscar-winning smash hit "Good Luck Chuck."

This uniform includes wings, for protection on heavy flow days.

About 12 years ago, Uncle Phil decided to use UO's football uniforms as garish billboards for Nike. Because UO likes money, and believes that any publicity is good publicity, they've happily embraced this tradition of increasingly ugly uniforms. ("But the kids love them!" Shut your whore mouth, Oregon.)

Famous players from UO include:

• Clair Huxtable’s real-life husband
• Akili Smith LOL
• Joey Harrington LOL (One time I saw Joey Harrington on a plane. He’s just as much of a doofus in person.)
• Onterrio Smith (a.k.a. Bongterrio Smith, a.k.a. Mr. Whizzinator)
• LeGarrette Blount (a.k.a. FALCON PUNCH!)
• Jeremiah Masoli (a.k.a. Jeremiah MacStoli)
• LaMichael “Does LaMichael have to choke a bitch?” James
• Cliff “We smoked it all” Harris

The football team plays home games in Autzen Stadium, a.k.a. the Willamette Valley's asshole.

ROUND BALL

Oregon has a tradition of off-and-on basketball success. They won a national title in the year 536 BC, and made a few tournament runs under Ernie Kent in the 2000s.

Ernie Kent was famous for winning many Lou Rawls look-a-like contests, and for ALLEGEDLY going to Mexico on an ALLEGED "recruiting trip" with an ALLEGED woman who was ALLEGEDLY not his wife (allegedly).  He was eventually fired when the winning slowed but the scandals didn't.  Ernie then tried to get a job at Colorado State, but they hired a raging alcoholic instead.  Ouch.

After firing Ernie Kent, the delusional Ducks tried to use Uncle Phil's money to lure an "A-list" basketball coach to Eugene. The search list included Tom Izzo, Tubby Smith, Coach K, Phil Jackson, Pat Riley, and John Wooden. After epically failing, UO settled on some dude named Dana. I'm sure he's just a placeholder until John Wooden returns their call. (Wooden has been dead for a year, but shhh, don't tell them.)

UO used to play in "historic" (read: dumpy and urine-stained) MacArthur Court. They've since moved to the Matthew Knight Arena, right down the street from the Phil Knight Memorial Masturbation Palace, and the Scooter Knight Memorial Dog-Pissing Forest.

The new arena has a basketball floor design that is described as "unique" by Duck fans, and "ugly as shit" by everyone else.

FANS

(Reminder: The "O" symbol that Duck fans like to make with their hands still means "vagina" in sign language.)

UO's fanbase makes Autzen Stadium the loudest and toughest place for opponents to play on the west coast. When the basketball team is good, Matt Arena is similarly loud.

UO's fanbase is also consistently voted as the worst on the west coast, and among the worst in the country. For you East Coasters, Duck fans can be described as a hybrid between West Virginia and Miami fans: aggressive, loud-mouthed, classless, bandwagoning douchebags.

Some of the things I’ve had thrown at me during trips to Autzen Stadium:

• Peanuts
• Dog treats
• Beer bottles
• Batteries
• Full cans of pop

On one particularly nasty trip, we walked by a family of UO fans, including a 2-year-old girl dressed in a UO cheerleader outfit. As we passed, the girl yelled "HUSKIES SUCK," much to the delight of the UO tailgaters.  Because you see, Duck fans aren't just terrible people, they're also terrible parents.

Even Chip Kelly hates Duck fans:

There are numerous other published stories about the boorish behavior of Duck fans, and doing a search would just raise my blood pressure. Google away if you're interested.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The Oregon Marching Band (OMB) is your standard "make shapes and boring music" band. They sound decent though, so if you're lame and you're into that sort of thing, check 'em out.

The OMB is also outfitted by Nike. In the 2000s, Nike gifted them with the uniforms seen below. They were retired after Jewish fans complained. I personally don't see any resemblance to Nazi Youth uniforms, but y'all can make your own judgment...

The Rose Parade and Bowl Game are 2 of the biggest events a college marching band can participate in.  The parade is broadcast live on several networks, and during halftime each band is guaranteed several minutes of coverage.  It's a HUGE honor.  For this special occasion, Oregon's band showed up in their best and classiest uniform: track suits and baseball caps.

The OMB is directed by former UW Husky Marching Band assistant, and current traitor, Eric Wiltshire.

Oregon's mascot is a Donald Duck suit that a Eugene anarchist stole from Disneyland in the 60s. The Duck's nickname is "Puddles." Puddles enjoys eating bread and shitting in public fountains, just like the other hippies and anarchists of Eugene.

In 2002, UO introduced "Mandrake" (a.k.a. "RoboDuck," a.k.a. "Duck Vader") in an effort to phase out Puddles. Due to fan complaints, this effort lasted less than a year, and Puddles returned to full-time duties. Apparently Duck fans have standards after all.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

The Oregon Ducks are the very definition of "new money."

Any program that is new to success will likely have fans who don't know how to handle it without being dicks.  (See: UVA 2011.)  But as much as it pains me to say, UO isn't new to success. UO has been relevant on the college football landscape for 18 years now. Yet for some reason, 90% of Duck fans are stuck in the "dickish" phase.  And what's worse, every time another program complains about their behavior, UO plays it off as "jealousy." Hey Duck fans: Denial is just the FIRST step.

Kirk Herbstreit once described UO perfectly: "The Ducks are the college football version of Paris Hilton. They're famous for no reason, they look pretty, and they got a rich daddy." While UO might buy their way to a national title someday, all that money still won't buy them any class.

UO is one of the most hated programs on the west coast, and the direct cause of many of my worst experiences in college. If you aren't a UO alum, but choose to root for the Ducks in any athletic contest, you should be ashamed of yourself.

P.S. To the Duck fans who made it all the way through this article, congratulations and thanks for the traffic!  By the way, the last time I was in Eugene, I got stupid drunk and peed on Oregon Hall.