West Coast Tour Guide: University of California

(Russian accent)  Privet, comrade! For benefit blog West Coast Tour Guide, I introduce glorious communist school University California!  Workers of world unite!  (end Russian accent)

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of California at Berkeley (a.k.a. Cal, a.k.a. Kal) is a large public research school, and the flagship campus of the broke-ass UC system.  It's widely regarded as the best public school in the country, and one of the finest schools in the world.  As an SEC fan might say, they're "a bunch of liberal book-learnin' (derogatory term for homosexuals)."

Berkeley (a.k.a. Bezerkeley, a.k.a. The People's Republic of Berkeley) is a Marxist enclave of 100,000 people just north of Oakland in the East Bay.  Berkeley's a very nice city, with plenty of outdoor space, great restaurants, community events, and shopping opportunities.  It's like Eugene without the meth.

Like UW, Cal's status as a large research school means that describing a typical student is almost impossible.  There's a larger-than-normal hippie population in Berkeley, but it's hard to tell who is a student and who is "just taking time off to find myself, man."  (Translation:  Sitting in a tree to block stadium expansions.)

Famous alums of Cal include:

• Gregory Peck
• Steve Wozniak (Co-founded Apple with some dickhead)
• Kirk and Sulu from the new Star Trek
• "Tom from MySpace"
• The chick from Love & Basketball
• The lead singer of the Bangles
• The lead singer of Counting Crows
• The lead singer of Third Eye Blind
• The lead singer of AFI
• The lead singer of Primus
• William Hung
• A ton of Nobel winners, CEOs, astronauts, and other people who actually did something with their lives

OBLONG BALL

Cal has a history of football success, with emphasis on the word "history."  Their last Rose Bowl game was in 1959, and their last Rose Bowl title was during the Great Depression.

From the 60s through the 80s, Cal football was mostly mediocre, with occasional episodes of relevance (a split Pac-8 title in '75) and hilarity ("The Play" in '82).

Bruce Snyder finally poked the Bears toward respectability in the early 90s.  His '91 team finished in the Top 10, and was the only Pac-10 team to keep it close against UW (who went on to win the national title).  Snyder then "retired" to Arizona State, and Cal returned to mediocrity for another 10 years.

Offensive genius Jeff Tedford was hired as head coach in 2002.  Tedford's impact was swift and successful, as he quickly turned the Bears' offense into a national power.  Cal averaged 9 wins per year for Tedford's first 8 years, which is historic success at a football program most known for beating up band nerds.

"Why?  Why did I take this stupid job?  WHY???"  (Credit maxwaugh.com)

Despite this success, Tedford has not busted Cal's Rose Bowl slump.  His best season was 2004, when a talented squad featuring Aaron Rodgers won 10 games, and was in line for a Rose berth since the Pac-10 champ (U$C) was playing for the BCS title.  Unfortunately, Cal was robbed of the Rose by the lobbying of Texas coach Mack Brown.  Sidebar:  Mack Brown is overrated, looks like George W. Bush, and is one of my least favorite people in sports.  I've rooted for his punk ass to get fired every year since 2004.

The past 3 seasons have been even rougher for Tedford.  2012 will likely be Cal's 2nd losing season in 3 years, and Bear fans are sharpening their pitchforks.  Do the Hokies need any new blood in their offensive coaching staff?  Because you could do worse than Jeff Tedford.  Just sayin'.

Famous former footballers include:

• Aaron Rodgers (Doesn't like Nickleback.)
• DeSean Jackson (Fucking up my fantasy roster since 2011.)
• Marshawn Lynch (Enjoys driving awesomely, and eating a certain candy which features a rainbow of fruit flavors.)
• Kyle Boller (NFL flop, terrible taste in chicks.)
• Tony Gonzalez (137-year-old tight end.)

Credit:  D.H. Parks

Cal plays in old and scenic Memorial Stadium, which is literally wedged into Strawberry Canyon on the east side of campus.  Above the east stands lies Tightwad Hill, where cheapskates ("the proletariat," if you prefer) have gathered to enjoy free Cal games for years.

Memorial Stadium also lies directly on the Hayward Fault.  Before the latest renovation brought it up to code, the stadium would have been destroyed by a big earthquake along the fault.  Prior to every game, the PA announcer used to read an earthquake preparedness statement to warn fans of the danger, and to remind them of escape plans (usually consisting of "forget it, we're all gonna die").  Nice place to go out, though.

ROUND BALL

Like their football program, Cal's hoops team has a history of success, and that history is not recent.  In the 50s under coach Pete Newell, the Bears went to several Final Fours and won a national title.  Unfortunately, health issues forced Newell retire in 1960.  The Bears spent the next 25 years being less relevant than bayonets in a modern military.

In the late 80s and early 90s, coach Lou Campanelli brought consistent winning back to Berkeley, making several NITs and one NCAA tourney.  Things went sour about halfway through the '92 season, when the athletic director overheard Campanelli saying SWEAR WORDS to his players.  (OMG I KNOW RIGHT???)  So they fired his motherfucking cock bitch poopy ass.

"FUCK YOU, PAY ME."

Todd Bozeman replaced Campanelli.  Bozeman built on Campanelli's fucking great work, as Cal made the Dance in 3 of Bozeman's 4 years.  Unfortunately, Bozeman was also giving his star player's family a bunch of money to travel to games, which is (like most things in life) a huge violation of NCAA rules.  Once the star's playing time dropped, the parents called the NCAA and snitched (oopsies!).  Bozeman was fired, and Cal was forced to vacate a whole shit-ton of wins.  Bozeman was last seen at Morgan State, punching players in the face and getting in fights over ham sandwiches.

Ben Braun replaced Bozeman and coached at Cal for 12 years (including my time at UW), but I don't remember him.  That can't be good, right?  I know he recruited well, and Cal went to the tourney once every few years, but I literally remember nothing about him.  Anyway, Cal must have gotten REALLY bored of him, because in '08 they replaced him with the former coach of their hated rival.

And yes, ladies, carpet matches drapes.  (Credit:  Paul Sakuma/AP)

Mike Montgomery is one of the most respected coaches in the game, and has led Cal to the Dance in 3 out of his 4 years.  He's also old as fuck, so Cal better win something quick before he discovers cribbage.

Famous former Cal hoopsters include:

• Jason Kidd (After being drafted by the Mavs, Kidd said:  "Now that I'm here, we'll turn this program around 360 degrees!"  LOL.)
• Kevin Johnson (3-time All-Star with the Suns)
• Shareef Abdur-Rahim (The greatest Vancouver Grizzly of all time)
• Tony Gonzalez (Yep, the 137-year-old tight end)

Cal's basketball team plays in a little shoebox called Haas Pavilion.  They fit almost 12,000 folks in that little box, though, because the Cal engineers are super efficient.  (NERRRRRRDS.)

FANS

During my time as a student, Cal had the most pleasant fans on the west coast.  This was probably because their football team sucked ass, and their basketball team wasn't exactly world-beaters.  Tailgating is nearly impossible in Strawberry Canyon, so that might contribute to the apathy, as well.

Cal fans made a move toward the "dickish" side when the football team started winning under Jeff Tedford.  Having said that, they have a strong core of loyal, passionate, and respectful fans.  And I've never had anything thrown at me in Berkeley.

Some of the "new-money" Cal fans see UW as a newly intense rival in football.  This is because Cal hasn't beaten the Huskies since 2008 (when everyone beat UW), and also because UW stole 2 assistant coaches from Cal last winter.  As a UW fan, I wish to release the following statement regarding a "new rivalry" with Cal:  Meh.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The Cal Marching Band (a.k.a. the Pride of California, a.k.a. the Pacesetter of Marching Bands) is basically awesome.  They're one of only 3 "traditional" high-step bands on the west coast (UW and U$C are the others), so you have to be in somewhat decent physical shape to march with them.

More importantly and awesomely, they're ENTIRELY STUDENT-RUN.  They have a director and are supported by the university, but the STUDENTS pick the themes, score the music, and chart the field shows.  HOLY FUCK WHAT A CONCEPT!  Recent halftime music has included:

• Foo Fighters
• The Black Keys
• Pitbull
• Usher
• Video game themes
• Saturday morning cartoon themes

Cal Band has their own YouTube channel, so if you have an hour to kill, check 'em out.

The UW and Cal bands are BFFs, because of their shared tradition as high-stepping bands, and because we both hate the shit out of U$C.  Due to this special friendship, we enjoyed several glasses of "milk" together during my time among the nerd ranks.  A few memories:

• UW used to do a "Band Cruise," where we rented a large boat to drive us around Lake Washington while we danced and killed several kegs.  One of those cruises coincided with a home game against Cal, so we invited the Cal Band to join us.  It was awesome.  Those Cal kids are expert milk-drinkers, and know how to keep vomit away from a dance floor.
• The Cal Band has their own version of a "frat house."  It's pretty swank digs.  The Cal Band throws parties there after every home game, and invites visiting band nerds.  One party was especially awesome.  I won't get into details, mostly because I don't remember them.

Cal doesn't have a live mascot.  (Pshh, I know right?  Bears aren't THAT hard to control around large groups of people.)  But they do have a suited mascot named Oski.  Oski's goofy look hasn't changed since the Civil War, but he's likeable, popular with the ladies, and loves to drink.  Oski's mask does not include many orifices suitable for beer consumption, but once again, those Cal kids are a smart and resourceful bunch.

...seriously, though, Oski loves to drink.

...I don't think you heard me the first 2 times.  Oski LOVES to drink.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

Cal is my second-favorite Pac-12 team.  I mean come on, how can you NOT love them?

• The Bay Area is gorgeous, and Soviet Berkeley is great once you get past the bread lines.
• Bear fans are mostly nice (except for the new-money assholes).
• The football team has a high rootability factor, so even when you lose to them you're like "awwww, Cal, look how adorable you are!"
• The hoops team wins, and has just enough cheating in its history to give it some "color" (but not enough to call them "dirty").
• Their band is entertaining.
• Their mascot is a fun drunk.

With all of that being said......  UW really needs this win Friday.  Sorry, Cal.  Take that dirty Golden Bear and shove it up your ass.