West Coast Tour Guide: University of California

(Russian accent)  Privet, comrade! For benefit blog West Coast Tour Guide, I introduce glorious communist school University California!  Workers of world unite!  (end Russian accent)

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of California at Berkeley (a.k.a. Cal, a.k.a. Kal) is a large public research school, and the flagship campus of the broke-ass UC system.  It's widely regarded as the best public school in the country, and one of the finest schools in the world.  As an SEC fan might say, they're "a bunch of liberal book-learnin' (derogatory term for homosexuals)."

Berkeley (a.k.a. Bezerkeley, a.k.a. The People's Republic of Berkeley) is a Marxist enclave of 100,000 people just north of Oakland in the East Bay.  Berkeley's a very nice city, with plenty of outdoor space, great restaurants, community events, and shopping opportunities.  It's like Eugene without the meth.

Like UW, Cal's status as a large research school means that describing a typical student is almost impossible.  There's a larger-than-normal hippie population in Berkeley, but it's hard to tell who is a student and who is "just taking time off to find myself, man."  (Translation:  Sitting in a tree to block stadium expansions.)

Famous alums of Cal include:

• Gregory Peck
• Steve Wozniak (Co-founded Apple with some dickhead)
• Kirk and Sulu from the new Star Trek
• "Tom from MySpace"
• The chick from Love & Basketball
• The lead singer of the Bangles
• The lead singer of Counting Crows
• The lead singer of Third Eye Blind
• The lead singer of AFI
• The lead singer of Primus
• William Hung
• A ton of Nobel winners, CEOs, astronauts, and other people who actually did something with their lives

OBLONG BALL

Cal has a history of football success, with emphasis on the word "history."  Their last Rose Bowl game was in 1959, and their last Rose Bowl title was during the Great Depression.

From the 60s through the 80s, Cal football was mostly mediocre, with occasional episodes of relevance (a split Pac-8 title in '75) and hilarity ("The Play" in '82).

Bruce Snyder finally poked the Bears toward respectability in the early 90s.  His '91 team finished in the Top 10, and was the only Pac-10 team to keep it close against UW (who went on to win the national title).  Snyder then "retired" to Arizona State, and Cal returned to mediocrity for another 10 years.

Offensive genius Jeff Tedford was hired as head coach in 2002.  Tedford's impact was swift and successful, as he quickly turned the Bears' offense into a national power.  Cal averaged 9 wins per year for Tedford's first 8 years, which is historic success at a football program most known for beating up band nerds.

"Why?  Why did I take this stupid job?  WHY???"  (Credit maxwaugh.com)

Despite this success, Tedford has not busted Cal's Rose Bowl slump.  His best season was 2004, when a talented squad featuring Aaron Rodgers won 10 games, and was in line for a Rose berth since the Pac-10 champ (U$C) was playing for the BCS title.  Unfortunately, Cal was robbed of the Rose by the lobbying of Texas coach Mack Brown.  Sidebar:  Mack Brown is overrated, looks like George W. Bush, and is one of my least favorite people in sports.  I've rooted for his punk ass to get fired every year since 2004.

The past 3 seasons have been even rougher for Tedford.  2012 will likely be Cal's 2nd losing season in 3 years, and Bear fans are sharpening their pitchforks.  Do the Hokies need any new blood in their offensive coaching staff?  Because you could do worse than Jeff Tedford.  Just sayin'.

Famous former footballers include:

• Aaron Rodgers (Doesn't like Nickleback.)
• DeSean Jackson (Fucking up my fantasy roster since 2011.)
• Marshawn Lynch (Enjoys driving awesomely, and eating a certain candy which features a rainbow of fruit flavors.)
• Kyle Boller (NFL flop, terrible taste in chicks.)
• Tony Gonzalez (137-year-old tight end.)

Credit:  D.H. Parks

Cal plays in old and scenic Memorial Stadium, which is literally wedged into Strawberry Canyon on the east side of campus.  Above the east stands lies Tightwad Hill, where cheapskates ("the proletariat," if you prefer) have gathered to enjoy free Cal games for years.

Memorial Stadium also lies directly on the Hayward Fault.  Before the latest renovation brought it up to code, the stadium would have been destroyed by a big earthquake along the fault.  Prior to every game, the PA announcer used to read an earthquake preparedness statement to warn fans of the danger, and to remind them of escape plans (usually consisting of "forget it, we're all gonna die").  Nice place to go out, though.

ROUND BALL

Like their football program, Cal's hoops team has a history of success, and that history is not recent.  In the 50s under coach Pete Newell, the Bears went to several Final Fours and won a national title.  Unfortunately, health issues forced Newell retire in 1960.  The Bears spent the next 25 years being less relevant than bayonets in a modern military.

In the late 80s and early 90s, coach Lou Campanelli brought consistent winning back to Berkeley, making several NITs and one NCAA tourney.  Things went sour about halfway through the '92 season, when the athletic director overheard Campanelli saying SWEAR WORDS to his players.  (OMG I KNOW RIGHT???)  So they fired his motherfucking cock bitch poopy ass.

"FUCK YOU, PAY ME."

Todd Bozeman replaced Campanelli.  Bozeman built on Campanelli's fucking great work, as Cal made the Dance in 3 of Bozeman's 4 years.  Unfortunately, Bozeman was also giving his star player's family a bunch of money to travel to games, which is (like most things in life) a huge violation of NCAA rules.  Once the star's playing time dropped, the parents called the NCAA and snitched (oopsies!).  Bozeman was fired, and Cal was forced to vacate a whole shit-ton of wins.  Bozeman was last seen at Morgan State, punching players in the face and getting in fights over ham sandwiches.

Ben Braun replaced Bozeman and coached at Cal for 12 years (including my time at UW), but I don't remember him.  That can't be good, right?  I know he recruited well, and Cal went to the tourney once every few years, but I literally remember nothing about him.  Anyway, Cal must have gotten REALLY bored of him, because in '08 they replaced him with the former coach of their hated rival.

And yes, ladies, carpet matches drapes.  (Credit:  Paul Sakuma/AP)

Mike Montgomery is one of the most respected coaches in the game, and has led Cal to the Dance in 3 out of his 4 years.  He's also old as fuck, so Cal better win something quick before he discovers cribbage.

Famous former Cal hoopsters include:

• Jason Kidd (After being drafted by the Mavs, Kidd said:  "Now that I'm here, we'll turn this program around 360 degrees!"  LOL.)
• Kevin Johnson (3-time All-Star with the Suns)
• Shareef Abdur-Rahim (The greatest Vancouver Grizzly of all time)
• Tony Gonzalez (Yep, the 137-year-old tight end)

Cal's basketball team plays in a little shoebox called Haas Pavilion.  They fit almost 12,000 folks in that little box, though, because the Cal engineers are super efficient.  (NERRRRRRDS.)

FANS

During my time as a student, Cal had the most pleasant fans on the west coast.  This was probably because their football team sucked ass, and their basketball team wasn't exactly world-beaters.  Tailgating is nearly impossible in Strawberry Canyon, so that might contribute to the apathy, as well.

Cal fans made a move toward the "dickish" side when the football team started winning under Jeff Tedford.  Having said that, they have a strong core of loyal, passionate, and respectful fans.  And I've never had anything thrown at me in Berkeley.

Some of the "new-money" Cal fans see UW as a newly intense rival in football.  This is because Cal hasn't beaten the Huskies since 2008 (when everyone beat UW), and also because UW stole 2 assistant coaches from Cal last winter.  As a UW fan, I wish to release the following statement regarding a "new rivalry" with Cal:  Meh.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The Cal Marching Band (a.k.a. the Pride of California, a.k.a. the Pacesetter of Marching Bands) is basically awesome.  They're one of only 3 "traditional" high-step bands on the west coast (UW and U$C are the others), so you have to be in somewhat decent physical shape to march with them.

More importantly and awesomely, they're ENTIRELY STUDENT-RUN.  They have a director and are supported by the university, but the STUDENTS pick the themes, score the music, and chart the field shows.  HOLY FUCK WHAT A CONCEPT!  Recent halftime music has included:

• Foo Fighters
• The Black Keys
• Pitbull
• Usher
• Video game themes
• Saturday morning cartoon themes

Cal Band has their own YouTube channel, so if you have an hour to kill, check 'em out.

The UW and Cal bands are BFFs, because of their shared tradition as high-stepping bands, and because we both hate the shit out of U$C.  Due to this special friendship, we enjoyed several glasses of "milk" together during my time among the nerd ranks.  A few memories:

• UW used to do a "Band Cruise," where we rented a large boat to drive us around Lake Washington while we danced and killed several kegs.  One of those cruises coincided with a home game against Cal, so we invited the Cal Band to join us.  It was awesome.  Those Cal kids are expert milk-drinkers, and know how to keep vomit away from a dance floor.
• The Cal Band has their own version of a "frat house."  It's pretty swank digs.  The Cal Band throws parties there after every home game, and invites visiting band nerds.  One party was especially awesome.  I won't get into details, mostly because I don't remember them.

Cal doesn't have a live mascot.  (Pshh, I know right?  Bears aren't THAT hard to control around large groups of people.)  But they do have a suited mascot named Oski.  Oski's goofy look hasn't changed since the Civil War, but he's likeable, popular with the ladies, and loves to drink.  Oski's mask does not include many orifices suitable for beer consumption, but once again, those Cal kids are a smart and resourceful bunch.

...seriously, though, Oski loves to drink.

...I don't think you heard me the first 2 times.  Oski LOVES to drink.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

Cal is my second-favorite Pac-12 team.  I mean come on, how can you NOT love them?

• The Bay Area is gorgeous, and Soviet Berkeley is great once you get past the bread lines.
• Bear fans are mostly nice (except for the new-money assholes).
• The football team has a high rootability factor, so even when you lose to them you're like "awwww, Cal, look how adorable you are!"
• The hoops team wins, and has just enough cheating in its history to give it some "color" (but not enough to call them "dirty").
• Their band is entertaining.
• Their mascot is a fun drunk.

With all of that being said......  UW really needs this win Friday.  Sorry, Cal.  Take that dirty Golden Bear and shove it up your ass.

D-Rock's Diary of the LSU Disaster

Being a Husky football fan hasn't been all sunshine and steak dinners for the past 9 years.  In fact, it's been mostly the opposite, whatever that is.  (Rainstorms and Ryan's Buffet?)  And because UW's schedule always includes Oregon, U$C, and at least 1 tough nonconference game, that's 3 near-certain losses to eat every year.  But I'm invested, and I have to watch.  It's a horrible disease.

To give you some insight into one of these especially wretched gamedays for a Husky fan, I kept a diary of UW's matchup with #3 LSU on Saturday.  Bonus:  Due to actual non-football-related illness, I was forced to watch this game without the benefit of alcohol.  This will probably be more fun for you than it will be for me.

6:50pm:  ESPN is turned on.  I'M SOOO EXCIIIIIITED!  I'm so exciiiiited!  I'm so....... scared.

6:52pm:  Oh lord, it's Lou Holtz and Mark May.  Guess I'll switch to ESPN2 for a bit.

6:53pm:  Oh lord, it's Robert Smith's dumb ass.  Back to ESPN.

6:55pm:  Obligitory Penn State story is on.  Can't stop staring at the chin on Penn State coach Bill O'Brien (see above).  That thing is literally a butt.  I wonder if food crumbs get stuck in there.  Does he floss it?

7:01pm:  Todd Blackledge just quoted Charles Dickens while describing LSU.  OH GOD I NEED BOURBON, I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA MAKE IT.

7:06pm:  Huskies kickoff, LSU fumbles, Husky ball!  Alright alright alright.

7:10pm:  2 dropped/bobbled passes.  Settled for a field goal.  Optimism remains at cautious levels.

7:11pm:  "My iPhone app says it's almost 90 degrees!"  Another insightful sideline report from Holly Rowe.

7:16pm:  First of what I'm sure will be several shots of the Honey Badger sitting in the stands.  His girlfriend (or sister?) looks EXACTLY like the arranged bride-queen from "Coming to America" (see above).  I giggle to myself.

7:17pm:  Holy crap, LSU's first possession is a 3-and-out.  Optimism rising.

7:20pm:  UW goes 3-and-out, and has a ridiculously short punt.  LSU scores 2 plays later.  Disregard all previous statements regarding optimism.

7:27pm:  UW's best offensive lineman is hurt.  Of course.  Of freaking course.  Of goddamn course.  Of mother-lovin' course.

7:31pm:  Josh Shirley (UW's "sack specialist") gives a ridiculous 2-handed judo chop to Zach Mettenberger's head.  Roughing the passer, 15 yard penalty.  I laugh.

7:35pm:  Josh Shirley completely whiffs on a sack, leading to a modest LSU gain.  I laugh again.  I have to.  Otherwise I will cry.

7:37pm:  Game paused as I teach my life partner how to work the new DirecTV remote and not order Pay Per View.

7:38pm:  Life partner is unhappy with the new setup.  "All I want to do is tape 'Soul Surfer.'  This thing is a (bad word)."

7:40pm:  UW's left tackle almost gets Keith Price killed on a blind side sack.

7:41pm:  UW's punt goes 18 yards.  Need bourbon.

7:48pm:  LSU's running back drags UW's best linebacker almost 5 yards.  This is a pretty accurate depiction of UW's linebacking corps.  LSU scores 2 plays later.

7:50pm:  Football games used to be one of the last refuges from politics on television.  Unfortunately, this is the second time I've seen the Clinton/Obama ad tonight alone.  Hmm, those spare batteries on the coffee table are looking mighty tasty.

7:55pm:  Text from Travicopter:  "I'm drinking every time they pan to Honey Badger.  I'm already pretty f***ed up."

7:58pm:  For the love of flying spaghetti monster, how many tackles is Sean Parker going to miss tonight?

8:00pm:  Now the entire UW defense has caught Sean Parker's missed-tackle virus.  Great.

8:02pm:  And now UW has decided to stop covering slants, which account for half of LSU's pass game.  Hey Hokies, what would VT charge to contract out Bud Foster for 2-3 games every year?  Just wondering.

8:05pm:  UW's defense wakes up in time to make a goal line stand and force a field goal.  Optimism levels rising.

8:13pm:  Halfway through the 2nd quarter, UW has -5 yards rushing.  LOLz.

8:15pm:  Odds that Keith Price will die tonight:  42%.

8:18pm:  Oh hey, Shaquille O'Neal is at the game.  Guess that Mexican basketball deal didn't work out?

8:20pm:  Oh hey, check out UW's "super-frosh" Shaq Thompson, whiffing on an easy interception and giving LSU a 16-yard gain.

8:25pm:  Josh Shirley whiffs on yet another sack.  Luckily LSU drops yet another pass.

8:26pm:  LSU settles for a field goal on a 2nd straight drive.  Optimism levels holding steady.

8:30pm:  2 penalties on 1 play for UW:  Holding AND intentional grounding.  Optimism gone.  Need bourbon.

8:34pm:  UW's left tackle almost gets Price killed again.

8:41pm:  Halftime.  LSU 20, UW 3.  Keith Price is still alive.  For now.

8:43pm:  ...yeah, I can't listen to Lou Holtz and Mark May for 20 minutes.  Gonna go walk the dog instead.

9:05pm:  2nd half kicks off.  Husky ball.  Hope springs eternal.

9:06pm:  ...aaaaand false start on 1st down.  Nevermind.  I miss bourbon.

9:08pm:  UW's left tackle almost gets Price killed again.

9:14pm:  Obvious dropped lateral pass by LSU is returned for a UW touchdown.  Refs and replay officials have other ideas.  I'm oddly unfazed.  Nothing surprises me anymore.

9:16pm:  Chik-Fil-A has the worst advertising strategy ever, and I'm not talking politically here.  The only time I ever crave Chik-Fil-A is on Sundays, after watching Chik-Fil-A commercials during football all day Saturday.  I'll be driving around doing my Sunday morning errands, and those freaking cows will get into my subconscious.  Then I'm like "hmm I sure could go for some Chik-Fil-A right now OH WAIT IT'S SUNDAY BLARRGHHHH DAMN YOU CRAZY SOUTHERN BAPTISTS!"

9:19pm:  LSU scores again.  Maybe I'll watch "Coming To America" instead.

9:22pm:  Hey check it out, Lee Corso in jammies.  Thanks for the nightmares, ESPN.

9:28pm:  Here's to you, LSU's Eric Reid.  How DARE the referee cramp your defensive style, right?  Sure it was the most blatant pass interference of all time, but you have EVERY right to whine like a teenager about that call.  You go girl.

9:36pm:  Can we just replace Holly Rowe with a computer that recites relevant Wikipedia articles?

9:39pm:  At this point, Alfred Blue and Spencer Ware are just taking turns doing running drills on UW's defense.

9:40pm:  As I wrote that last bit, an LSU receiver got behind UW's defense, sat down at the 5-yard line, ate a sandwich, Purelled his hands, got up, stretched, caught a pass, waved to his mom, and walked into the end zone.

9:43pm:  "Zach Mettenberger is really pulling off that mustache," said no one ever.

9:44pm:  Seriously Zach, I'm no fashion maven, but that thing is pathetic.  I realize that as LSU's quarterback, you're probably well-acquainted with all of Baton Rouge's finest skanks.  But at some point you want to meet a classy b*tch, right?  My life partner is a beautiful woman of exquisite taste, and she thinks you look like a douche, and would never have sex with you.  That thing's gotta go, dude.

9:46pm:  Odds that Keith Price will die tonight:  62%.

9:49pm:  UW stringing together a decent drive... just in time for the 3rd quarter to end.

9:50pm:  My favorite part of "Coming To America" is when Eddie Murphy (I can never remember character names) is at the St. John's basketball game with that one chick and the dude from "ER."  Eddie Murphy wants so desperately to fit in, but he doesn't understand American sports culture.  So he ends up yelling things like "I AM VERY HAPPY TO BE HERE," and "YES, IN THE FACE!"  It's hilarious.  I totally should have watched that movie instead of the Husky game tonight.

9:54pm:  UW drive ends on downs.  If I weren't ill, I'd be hitting the bourbon REALLY hard right now.  Or changing the channel to a better game.  Or watching "Coming To America."

9:59pm:  UW doesn't have negative total rushing yards anymore!  Wooooooooo!

10:02pm:  This is how far this game has stooped:  They just showed an instant replay and analysis of an LSU lineman falling over while trying to tie his shoe.  Is it over yet?

10:05pm:  I'm glad Les Miles is enjoying himself.  Because I'm not.  Every time they show his smug smiling ass, I want to knee him in the grapes.

10:06pm:  LSU scores again.  41-3.  Right now, the only thing keeping me invested in this game is ensuring that Keith Price lives through it.

10:10pm:  HOLY CRAP Price is still in the game.  Oh lord make it stop.

10:11pm:  "Great story, Holly Rowe," says announcer Brad Nessler.  It's funny hearing him try to hide his contempt.  I like Brad Nessler.

10:12pm:  UW's left tackle takes a break from trying to get Price killed, and commits a false start.

10:15pm:  A pathetic 3rd-and-long screen pass gets blown up.  ...That's it.  White flag.  Uncle.  I'll live without seeing the last 5 minutes of this.  With my last game-related thought of the evening, I take solace in the fact that at least UW's quarterback isn't a total douchenozzle who looks like he owns a windowless van.

First Annual HnH Viewing Guide

After 5 years of neglect and emotional abuse from Dish Network, I finally had enough.  So I called DirecTV, told them I was thinking of leaving Dish, and to pitch me.  And that I already knew about all their internet specials, so, you know...... try harder.

Result:  All the premium channels for 3 months, free equipment, free setup, 3-figure rebates, free champagne, free gentle rubdowns for the first year...... and, most importantly, NFL Sunday Ticket Max.

I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about that last bit.  For casual readers of this blog, my respected co-authors and I might differ strongly in our college and NFL allegiances.  But we're also in a fantasy football league together, and many Sunday afternoons have been spent watching Mick lose on RedZone.

Anyway, D-Rock's house is the place to be on Sundays this fall.  But there's also college ball on Saturdays and Thursdays.  And we have wives/girlfriends who might frown on 96 hours of football viewing every week.  And we have kids and housework and stuff.  That's a lot of balls in the air (giggity).  ......OH, and work, we have work too I guess.

Not to worry.  I've put together the 2012 Hokies N Huskies Football Viewing Guide.  Peruse at your leisure, find games of interest, and find optimal weeks for visiting the in-laws.

For the uninitiated blog readers, allegiances are as follows:

D-Rock:  Huskies and Seahawks

Travicopter:  Hokies and Cowboys

DirtyGirts:  Hokies and Vikings

Mick:  Hokies and Browns

Brian:  Hokies all day errrr day, son

Sat Sept 1

10:30pm:  San Diego State @ UW

Wooooooo games are finally happeninnnnnnnnnnngggggg!!!  Hope we don't lose, that would suck.  Seriously.  There aren't many winnable games in UW's first 6 weeks.

Mon Sept 3

8:00pm:  Georgia Tech @ VT

Hmm opening week against Georgia Tech.  Hmmmm opening the season on Labor Day Night.  When have EITHER of these things turned out well for the Hokies?  Oh by the way, it's supposed to storm on Monday.  I blame Jim Weaver.

Wed Sept 5

8:30pm:  Cowboys @ Giants

Due to the Democratic Convention, I have to decide whether to start Jason Witten on my fantasy team by WEDNESDAY night?  Pshh.  Thanks, Obama.

Sat Sept 8

1:30pm:  Austin (Let’s Go) Peay @ VT

7:00pm:  UW @ LSU

VT plays a Saturday game against an FCS school, right after playing on Monday night.  Hmmmmmmm where have I heard this one before???   No worries this time though, Austin Peay is horrible.  As for UW, hoooooo boy.  If the O-Line doesn't suck, this could be closer than ESPN thinks.  Otherwise, I'll probably need more bourbon after halftime.

Sun Sept 9

1:00pm:  Eagles @ Browns

   Jags @ Vikings

4:00pm:  Seapigeons @ Cards

Week 1 of NFL!  Team "Beast Mode Driving School" begins its drive to the Cornish Hen Fantasy Cup.  ...also, Russell Wilson starts for the Seahawks, that'll be neat.  Also, Vick at the Browns.  Also, Jacksonville still has a team.

Sat Sept 15

12:00pm:  VT @ Pitt

4:00pm:  Portland State @ UW

THANK YOU Jim Weaver.  Please continue to schedule all the noon kickoffs for AWAY GAMES.  As for the UW game........... pass.

Sun Sept 16

1:00pm:   Browns @ Bengals

    Vikings @ Colts

4:00pm:  Cowgirls @ Seadorks

Travicopter vs. D-Rock in the 4pm slot, as Dallas returns to the scene of the most hilarious playoff moment ever.  (...........sorry Trav.)

Sat Sept 22

Time TBD:  Bowling Green @ VT

First in a string of snoozers for VT.  If kickoff is before 2pm, this might be a good weekend to go out of town.

Sun Sept 23

1:00pm:  Bills @ Browns

   Niners @ Vikings

   Bucs @ Cowboys

Interesting Vikings game, otherwise a light weekend at D-Rock's house.

Mon Sept 24

8:30pm:  Packers @ Seaweenies

Monday Night Football finally back in Seattle!  DirtyGirts will especially enjoy watching the Seahawk defense light up Aaron Rodgers.

Thurs Sept 27

8:20pm:  Browns @ Ravens
9:00pm:  Stanford @ UW

First of "3 weeks from hell" for UW, but this looks to be the most winnable of the 3.  Hey, did you hear that Andrew Luck doesn’t play for Stanford anymore?  I just saw this thing on ESPN about how Stanford will have to replace Andrew Luck, because Andrew Luck is in the NFL and is awesome and (according to ESPN) doesn't play for Stanford anymore.  ESPN is wondering what  Stanford should do now that Andrew Luck doesn't play for Stanford anymore because he's in the NFL.  Andrew Luck.  ...also, the Browns lose.  :(

Sat Sept 29

Time TBD:  Cincinnati vs. VT (in DC)

Cincinnati is favored by some to win the Big East, which is like being favored to win a 50-yard dash filled with quadruple-amputees.

Sun Sept 30

1:00pm:  Vikings @ Lions

   Seachickens @ Rams

Big test for the Vikings defense.  Otherwise, this is a “RedZone Channel” kind of day.

Mon Oct 1

8:30pm:  Bears @ Cowboys

Perfect time for Inexplicable Cowboy Loss #1 of the season.

Sat Oct 6

Time TBD:  UW @ Oregon

       VT @ North Carolina

UW will need extra lube this week.  VT will ZZZZZZZZzzzzZZZZZZZ.

Sun Oct 7

1:00pm:  Titans @ Vikings

   Browns @ Giants

4:00pm:  Seapenguins @ Panthers

Jake Locker will make DirtyGirts cry.  Eli Manning will make Mick cry.  Cam Newton (my fantasy QB) will make me cheer.  .......and also cry.

Sat Oct 13

Time TBD:  U$C @ UW

       Duke @ VT

To the Husky who pooped in the Pac12's scheduler's coffee:  Thanks, dick.  Unless Matt Barkley quits the team to become a porn actor or something, UW will lose by 127.  Potential trap game for VT, though.  Duke's played them tough lately, and it's the week before the Clemson game.  Gotta bring it hard at the tailgate flipcup table this week.

Sun Oct 14

1:00pm:  Bengals @ Browns

   Cowboys @ Ravens

4:00pm:  Pats @ Seadicks

   Vikings @ Redskins

GREAT games for all of our NFL teams this week.  Unfortunately, DirtyGirts will be out of town at that dildo sales convention.

Thurs Oct 18

8:20pm:  Seasquawks @ Niners

Short week, on the road, against the NFC West favorites?  Yikes.

Sat Oct 20

Time TBD:  VT @ Clemson

       UW @ Arizona

Make-or-break game for VT.  UW should get back into the win column, but it'll be close.

Sun Oct 21

1:00pm:  Browns @ Colts

   Cowboys @ Panthers

   Cards @ Vikings

Ewww.

Thurs Oct 28

8:20pm:  Bucs @ Vikings

For reference, the college game tonight is Clemson @ Wake.  So yeah.  You'll be watching the Vikes.

Sat Oct 27

Time TBD:  Oregon State @ UW

Beavers LOL.

Sun Oct 28

1:00pm:  Chargers @ Browns

   Seavultures @ Lions

4:00pm:  Giants @ Cowboys

Trav's game is the star this week, although the Seahawk defense vs. Detroit could be interesting.  Also, the Browns win!

Thurs Nov 1

7:30pm:  VT @ Miami biiiiiiiiitch

Miami is garbage this year.  If VT loses, the coaches should take Greyhounds home.

Fri Nov 2

9:00pm:  UW @ Cal

Huge game.  Cal has underachieved for years, UW has owned them lately, and UW stole several Cal assistants last winter.   Cal wants this one BAD.  Plus, be honest, you're not watching anything else tonight.

Sun Nov 4

1:00pm:  Ravens @ Browns

4:00pm:  Viqueens @ Seafinches
8:20pm:  Cowboys @ Falcons

DirtyGirts vs. D-Rock!  Also, the Browns lose.

Thurs Nov 8

7:30pm:  Florida State @ VT

Thursday night in Blacksburg used to mean "VT is NOT losing."  Now it means "Let's ditch work at 11am, get stupid, and maybe watch the Hokies try not to choke."

Sat Nov 10

Time TBD:  Utah @ UW

Trap game.  Utah's defense is improving.  Chastity belt joke goes here.

Sun Nov 11

1:00pm:  Lions @ Vikings

4:00pm:  Jets @ Seapuffins

   Cowboys @ Eagles

Blah blah blah Cowboys Vick blah blah fart noise.  Also, Lions win big, and the Seahawks D might pitch a shutout.

Sat Nov 17

Time TBD:  VT @ Boston College

       UW @ Colorado

No thank you.

Sun Nov 18

1:00pm:  Browns @ Cowboys

Mick vs. Travicopter!  Bring extra tissues.

Thurs Nov 22

4:15pm:  Redskins @ Cowboys

I'm setting this week as the "over/under" for Redskin fans giving up on RG3.

Fri Nov 23

3:30pm:  Apple Cup

Whoever agreed to hold the Apple Cup on the day after Thanksgiving, in frickin Pullman, at frickin 12:30, should be forced to administer Rush Limbaugh's next prostate exam.  Without gloves.

Sat Nov 24

Time TBD:  UVA @ VT

That transfer QB from Alabama will put UVA in good posi-HAHA j/k VT by 70.

Sun Nov 25

1:00pm:  Vikings @ Bears

   Steelers @ Browns

   Seaturkies @ Dolphins

Steelers-Browns could be interesting.  Otherwise, it's another RedZone-heavy week.

Fri Nov 30

Time TBD:  Pac 12 championship game maybe LOL???

Bahhh who am I kidding.  :(

Sat Dec 1

7:45 or 8:00pm:  ACC championship game maybe???

Rematch of VT and somebody, then someone goes to the BCS and loses.  You know this tune, Hokie fans.  Don't act like you don't know and love it.

Sun Dec 2

1:00pm:  Seaparakeets @ Bears

   Vikings @ Packers

4:00pm:  Browns @ Raiders
8:20pm:  Eagles @ Cowboys

Go Browns!!  Also, Vikes-Pack is relevant to my interests.

Sun Dec 9

1:00pm:  Cowboys @ Bengals

   Chiefs @ Browns

   Bears @ Vikings

4:00pm:  Cards @ Seaquails

A couple of interesting divisional battles this week.  Also, the Browns go on a win streak.  :)

Sun Dec 16

1:00pm:  Redskins @ Browns

   Vikings @ Rams

4:00pm:  Seapheasants @ Bills

   Steelers @ Cowboys

Seahawks-Bills is outsourced to Toronto, because nobody in Real America wants to watch that shit.  Also, the Browns' winning streak ends.  :(

Sun Dec 23

1:00pm:  Saints @ Cowboys

   Vikings @ Texans

4:00pm:  Browns @ Broncos

   Niners @ Seagulls

Fun games this week.  I don't always root for the Cowboys, but when I do, it's to shut up the bandwagoning Saints fans.

Sun Dec 30

1:00pm:  Packers @ Vikings

   Browns @ Steelers

   Cowboys @ Redskins

4:00pm:  Rams @ Seaswans

Regular season ends with Boys-Skins getting all the love (giggity).

Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day

Today is what I like to call "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day".  It's not something you would typically celebrate with your family of church-goers or design paper hats for in elementary school only because "Mother Fuckin" is in the name.  But "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day" is meant to be celebrated by those people too.  Just because you're too adult for the phrase "Mother Fuckin" or the idea of fucking mothers hits home for you in a weird place doesn't mean you can't enjoy what this day is, what it stands for, and why it's monumental.

Today we are all 0-0.  The Hokies are 0-0.  The Huskies are 0-0.  We all have perfect records, round on each end, and flat in the middle.  The flat part is the hyphen.

By Tuesday, we will add 1's to our record.  Either on the front side of the flat spot or the back side and unless you're talking about a Busta Rhymes music video, this ain't the good kind of back side either.

So like most things awesome, there's a story behind Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day and I would like to share it with you.

When I was a child, my grandfather didn't talk to me about college football because he never attended college and he had already been dead for a couple years when I was born.  So there's that, but my father instilled in me the idea of Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day when I was about six years old.  It started off when he showed me his old yearbooks from when he played pigskin in high school.

I was curious about the game and it was hard for me to understand initially.  Why would anyone want to get hit so hard just to run around carrying that goofy ball that never bounces right?  But Dad was persistent and wanted to show me the way of the pigskin so that I could one day suit up and make him proud.  That night we cuddled up on the couch in front of the TV.  I had my little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle blanket wrapped over my lap to keep my popcorn from getting on the couch and up my shorts.  I still can't eat popcorn worth a damn.  Dad waited for the coverage to start and as the team was lining up to form a line for the kickoff, my Dad turned to me and asked, "Son, are you ready for this?"

I didn't know what was coming next so I timidly replied, "Ready for what?"

"Mother Fuckin Kick-Off, son."  The moments that followed impacted my football watching career for the rest of my life.  I watched Virginia Tech lose to NC State, 7-0, in probably the worst fucking display of football I have ever seen in my entire life to this very day.  I one time watched two blind fat people have sex on the internet just to prove a point and I made it 13 seconds in Two Girls, One Cup before I passed out.  Trust me, I have the badges of honor.  This game was fucking atrocious.   The replay of the game has been featured in some famous exorcisms and was even outlawed in Guantanamo by Dick Cheney himself.  Hokie quarterback Will Furrer threw 5 interceptions in that game, coincidentally the same game that proved to a young Sean Glennon that you really can be what you want in life. Thankfully, being a Hokie fan has gotten better over the years - except for that whole Sean Glennon part.

So, my first Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day wasn't even on the first day of the season.  It was the second week but getting VT on TV was an extremely rare occasion back then and lucky for us, Dad stole satellite off the neighbors.  VT wrapped up the season toting a 5-6 record with marquee wins over no one.  We did only lose to then #6 Oklahoma by 10 but we fuckin got housed by UVA (#20) 38-0.  I knew being a VT fan would be difficult at times and too easy at others but since then, I've been excited about every opening day of Division 1 College Football since. 

Tonight we get to see two semi-quality SEC teams get it on.  South Carolina is known for jack-shit in football but having the Ol' Ball Coach at the helm is always in your favor and he's got the Cocks throbbing down in Columbia.  Vanderbilt is also known for being an SEC butt plug too but somehow they've managed to upgrade from "butt plug" to "not quite as butt plug" and even have the recruiting class to suggest a promising future.  It doesn't get any better than this.  Happy Mother Fuckin' Kick-Off Day Ya'll!!