West Coast Tour Guide: Oregon State University

(PARENTAL ADVISORY: This post has a higher-than-normal amount of adult innuendo. ...In your end-o. HAHAHA *cough*, but seriously, fair warning.)

This edition of West Coast Tour Guide visits Oregon State University, home of the Beavers (*giggles for 5 minutes*). Besides the 2nd most innuendo-filled mascot name in Division 1, many other things about OSU are humorous. Hopefully this article will teach y'all something new about Beavers, including where to find them, what they look like, and how to treat them with love and respect.

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

Oregon State University is a land-grant college (a.k.a. a cow college) located in Corvallis, which is a 90 minute drive south of Portland, and 45 minutes north of Eugene. Corvallis is a nice town of about 50,000 people, about 1/3 of whom are students. Cow, goat, and sheep-loving students.

(D-Rock’s life partner says: “I’m a sheep-loving student.” D-Rock replies: “In this context, I don’t think ‘loving’ means what you think it means.”)

Oregon State ranks dead last among Pac12 schools in U.S. News & World Report's academic rankings. Because OSU is known for farm animals and sucking at school, their "famous alumni" list is pretty slim:

• The founder of U-Haul
• Some chick from "The Bachelorette"
• Linus Pauling (discovered DNA or something)
• The 2000 and 2007 Playboy Playmates of the Year (*insert "Beaver" joke here*)

OBLONG BALL

Traditionally, the entire state of Oregon does not do football well:

In the late 90s, coach Mike Riley finally got OSU to respectability (translation: .500). Then he left for the Chargers because he wanted to coach Ryan Leaf. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Dennis the Drunk Erickson (above) replaced Riley. Erickson always recruits heavily in juvenile halls and gang fights, and this strategy paid off quickly at OSU. His 2000 team had 10 future NFL draft picks, including Chad Johnson (Ochocinco), Nick Barnett, Richard Seigler, and TJ Houshyourmama. They also stomped Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl, which was pretty sweet.

One night in 2003, Erickson got wasted on mezcal and accepted a job with the 49ers. The next day, Mike Riley begged for his old job back. From then through 2009, the Beavs were known for defense, Steven Jackson, and sucking in September. From 2010 to present, they’ve basically sucked year-round.

The Beavs play in newly-expanded Reser Stadium. Reser is a company that makes frozen foods and decent potato salad. But not beaver, because nobody likes to eat beaver.


During long offseasons, the football team relaxes by boating while drunk, joyriding in university golf carts, and stealing gay sheep.

ROUND BALL

In the 80s and early 90s, the Beavers were sweaty with excitement for their basketball team. Several NBA stars matriculated in Corvallis during that time, including A.C. Green, Brent Barry, and GARY PAYTON WOO GO SONICS.

The current hoops coach is Michelle Obama's brother (Barack's brother-in-law). He's doing his part to help the economy by "spreading the wealth" and letting everyone beat OSU.

OSU's arena (Gill Coliseum) is an older, crappier version of Cassell. I know, right, hard to imagine.

FANS

Beaver fans have been licked by many years of terrible sports, so any accomplishment is worth celebrating. Since the football team has been “good-to-great” for most of the past decade, sellouts are common.

Basketball games aren't as well-attended, unless a big-name opponent is in town. But again, they lose a lot, and Gill Coliseum makes Cassell look like the Biltmore.

The Beaver baseball team snatched back-to-back College World Series titles in the 2000s. So if you meet a Beav, prepare to be bored by stories of their awesome baseball team.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

OSU's band (a.k.a. “The Spirit and Sound of OSU”) is your stereotypical college marching band. They aimlessly wander the field twice per game, wear elbow-length white gloves, and are extremely boring in every facet of their existence. Apparently the “Sound of OSU” is loud snoring.

Their mascot is a cute furry beaver named Benny. I think it’s kinda weird to name your beaver, but hey, no judgment.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

If I were to describe Oregon State in one word, it would be "harmless." The school is unremarkable, but Corvallis is a perfectly fine college town. Other than a few idiot students (every school has them), visits there are usually a good time. Although OSU football is new to prolonged success, most fans are cool about it, so attending a Beaver game in Corvallis isn't a hairy experience at all.

In conclusion: Beavers are fun.