This West Coast Tour Guide is about the University of Coloradheheheheheheh. Hehehee. Heh. This keyboard makes funny noises. Clickyclicky clickyclick clickclickclick heee heheheheh.
(Loudly eats bag of Funyuns)
...........huh?
Anyway, this West Coast Tour Guide is about the University of Colorado.
SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS
The University of Colorado's main campus is in Boulder, about 30 minutes from Denver. Boulder is a gorgeous exurb that sits at the base of the Front Range. Boulder is home to hippies.
...oh, you want to know more? OK. Well, uhhh... Hippies come in many varieties, and Boulder has all of them. You have your Deadheads, those dudes are alright. You have your undergrad know-it-alls, and I don't like those guys, they're supreme Buzz Killingtons. You have those smelly ones who keep compost in their pockets. Pro tip: Those guys know where to find the good shit LOL DOUBLE ENTENDRE! In conclusion: Hippies.
Reefer is, to put it mildly, not hard to come by in Boulder. There's a reason the best restaurant in town is famous for its gigantic burgers and pizzas. (But to be fair, The Sink is totally legit.)
Colorado is a tier-1 university and has a good business school and whatever who cares. Do you like beer? Do you like weed? Do you like to ski? Do you like Dave Matthews Band and Widespread Panic? If you just said "yes" 4 times, congratulations! Your new hometown is Boulder, Colorado!
Famous CU alums include:
- The South Park guys
- Robert Redford
- 3OH!3 (They harsh my buzz, bro.)
OBLONG BALL
Colorado was pretty sweet from the 70s through the early 2000s. They even won a national title in 1990. For most of their history, they played in the Big 8 (now Big 12) conference with Texas and a bunch of other red-state schools that probably have an Applebee's on campus.
For the past 10 years, though, they've been losers. Their recent coaches tell a very sad tale, my dudes...
Gary Barnett: This guy was totally not chill. At first he was rad, letting a female kicker join the team. But then she was raped by one of her teammates, and Gare-Bare responded by calling her "a terrible player." Pshhh c'mon man, hoes before bros!
Dan Hawkins: Moved down from Boise. Uhhh... His son played quarterback for a bit. Umm... Something about intramurals? I dunno, I wasn't paying attention.
Some guy Jon something: Hired when Colorado moved to the Pac12. Spent a few years looking like this on TV.
Mike uhhhh... McQuagmire?: Just hired last winter. Someday he'll help Colorado win their 4th Pac12 game.
Famous former Buffs include:
- Chad Brown (Former linebacker for Steelers and Seahawks and holy shit WTF is this?)
- Rashaan Salaam (Heisman trophy winner, and noted lazy ass.)
- Kordell Stewart (Wants you to know that he is not gay.)
- Rae Carruth (Hired someone to off his girlfriend and unborn child. Scored 1 of 2, killing her and crippling his son for life. Set to be released from prison in 2018, and signed by the Cowboys in 2019.)
CU plays in gorgeous Folsom Field. It sits over one mile above sea level, making it one of the highest (LOL) stadiums in the country.
ROUND BALL
CU's basketball team is having their greatest run of all time. They've played in March Madness each of the past two seasons!!!
......and that's CU hoops in a nutshell.
Mmm nutshells. You know what I could go for now? Some of those smokehouse almonds.
Crap, come on D-Rock, focus!
......and that's CU hoops in a nutshell.
Mmm nutshells. You know what I could go for now? Some of those smokehouse almonds.
Crap, come on D-Rock, focus!
Famous former basketball players include Chauncey Billups and uhhh... uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... ... .... ....what were we talking about? About is a funny word. You can say it so many ways. About. Abouut. Aboot. Abahht. Hee hee hee. My mouth looks weird.
FANS
In Boulder, sporting events are seen as excuses to be chemically impaired in new and unique settings. Other than a few drunken "fzzzzuckkk youuuuus," CU fans are harmless. And if you bring extra bags of BC Bud and Doritos, you will be the most popular person in the state.
BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS
Live mascots are pretty far out, man. All schools should be required to have a live mascot. Not those creepy suited bitches, I'm talking actual living beings. I want to see a wild turkey on VT's sideline. I want to see a trained swarm of bees at Georgia Tech. I want to see some weirdo with a fruity hat and a French mustache at UVA.
But even if live mascots were required everywhere, Ralphie would still be the best.
Ralphie is a female buffalo who circles the football field sometimes. Actually that's not true. Ralphie drags bitches around the field twice per game, as they hang on for dear life and pray this isn't the day Ralphie decides to miss the trailer and run for the hills.
If I were a CU alum, I would show up to every home game, paying full price plus additional donation, just to see Ralphie run. Ralphie is beautiful, dudes. I want to touch her fur. I bet it's super soft. But I digress...
If I were a CU alum, I would show up to every home game, paying full price plus additional donation, just to see Ralphie run. Ralphie is beautiful, dudes. I want to touch her fur. I bet it's super soft. But I digress...
CU's marching band is pretty awesome if you drop some acid before halftime. Otherwise it's not really my jam.
HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL
In meme form!
