West Coast Tour Guide: Gonzaga

EDIT:  This was originally posted in 2012, but still relevant.  In 2013 Gonzaga got their first #1 seed in school history... then did what they do every freaking March.

If you live on the east coast and picked Gonzaga to make the Final Four in your bracket, you probably should have read this first.

If you live on the west coast and picked Gonzaga (for basketball-related reasons, not color or mascot-related reasons)... you're an idiot.

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Sorry, I meant to have this up before March Madness. Then some stuff happened, then some other stuff, then I made myself a sandwich, then I watched some nut-shots on YouTube, then I forgot that I wrote this.

Anyhooters, for this Tour Guide, let's step away from the Pac12 and visit a tiny and sometimes lovable Catholic school in the West Coast Conference... Gonzaga University.

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

Gonzaga is a Jesuit college with less than 5,000 undergrads.  Their mascot is the Bulldog, but everyone calls them the "Zags" to differentiate them from the 300 other schools with a bulldog mascot.

GU is located in Spokane, a.k.a. Spokan't, Spokompton, Sp-oklahoma, Spoka-vegas, Spo-Kandy Land, Spo-kansas, Spok-angeles, and my personal favorite... Spokanistan.

Whatever you call it, Spokane is the 2nd biggest city in Washington (around 200,000 people), about 20 miles from the Idaho border.  When I was 5 years old, I thought of Spokane as that magical city with the Toys R Us.  Now I think of Spokane as a nice riverfront surrounded by a huge complex of strip malls.

GU has several good academic programs, but the one they love to highlight is their law school.  Many "region-famous" politicians have gone through GU Law, and they rank 3rd in the state in first-time bar exam pass rate.  ......oh by the way, there are only 3 law schools in Washington.  EDIT:  Since this original post, Gonzaga has improved to #1 in the state in first-time bar exam pass rate!  But their grads still struggle in closing arguments...

They're single, ladies!

The Gonzaga student body is a hilarious mix of dorks and douchebags.  A typical Zag guy is most likely a virgin.  A typical Zag girl most likely isn’t.

Gonzaga is often mispronounced by ESPN talking heads.  The correct pronunciation is "GonZAGa."  To help you remember:  If you're bangin' a ZAG chick, don't forget to double-BAG it.

GU has only one alum you've ever heard of:  Legendary singer and child abuser Bing Crosby.

OBLONG BALL

Gonzaga ditched football in the 40s, after most of the eligible men joined the Navy.  ...not that there's anything wrong with that.

"Heyyyyy.  Do you like what you see?"

ROUND BALL

For many years, Gonzaga was the cute basketball program that everyone forgot about in the Northwest.  The only thing that made them notable was John Stockton.  He played for the Zags in the early 80s, then wore short shorts in the NBA long after they had gone out of style.

Hot.

The Zags never made the tournament until '95 (they were blown out in the first round).  Four years later, under coach Dan Monson, the Zags had one of the greatest Cinderella runs in tournament history.  They made the Elite 8 as a 10-seed, and lost a close game to UConn (who went on to win the title).  The lovable underdog Zags were the talk of the tourney that year.

After that run, Monson left for Minnesota, and his assistant Mark Few (pictured above) took over.  Few (a.k.a. Skeletor) has done alright for himself.  GU has now made the tournament 15 straight years, although they haven’t matched the success of that '99 team.

The Zags easily win the West Coast Conference every year.  Quick, name 3 other WCC schools.  ............................................Exactly.

The Zags play a really hard non-conference schedule every year.  The Zags do this because they're desperate for attention and respect, which is tough to get when you play in a conference with Sister Anne's Finishing School and the Fresno Massage Institute.

A typical Zag season goes like this:

• November-December:  Beat 2 good teams, lose to several others.
• January-February:  Win 50 straight games.
• First week of March:  Con their way into a high tournament seed.
• Second week of March:  Choke in the tournament.

...which reminds me of another thing the Zags are famous for:  Crying like bitches after losing in March.

Sub-topic:  Mark Few (basketball coach, and sole heir to the Massengill fortune)

Now let’s discuss the main reason you should hate the Zags:  Coach Mark Few.  Few is a petty whiner who constantly demands unearned respect.  Kinda like this other coach you know.

"WORSHIP ME."

Gonzaga and UW used to play annually, but the series was cancelled 5 years ago amid some drama.  In '03, Few snitched on a UW coach (Cam Dollar) who illegally visited a recruit (Josh Heytvelt).  As a result, UW backed off of Heytvelt, and Dollar was punished.  After Heytvelt committed to the Zags (of course), a different UW coach called Heytvelt to apologize for some excess mail, and said that it would stop.  Few tried to tattle on UW for that phone call, too, because Few is a bitch and he has no friends.

(P.S. Heytvelt went on to have a fine career, except for that time he got busted with shrooms.)

Penises go here.

Things have been frosty between UW and GU ever since.  After '06, UW cancelled the annual GU game, saying they wanted to "focus on a different scheduling strategy."  (Translation:  Suck it, Few.)

Proposals have occasionally come up to bring the UW-GU series back.  The most recent proposal involved an annual game at KeyArena in Seattle, with profits split 50/50.  The Zags already play one annual game at KeyArena (there are lots of alums in the Seattle area).  However, Few punked out of this proposal, because he's a jackass who sucks at life.

FANS

You know how Frank Beamer tells everyone that VT is obviously like Texas or U$C, because they win 10 games every year?

Imagine if 99.9% of the Hokie fanbase truly believed that.

That's the Zag fanbase in a nutshell:  A bunch of idiotic, annoying bandwagoners who think their program is just like Duke.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

Gonzaga has a horrible little pep band.  According to their website, they're all-volunteer, and rehearsals are minimal.  It shows.  I think my junior high band sounded better than the Zags.

One night in the early 1900s, Quasimodo got hammered on toilet wine and fucked a rat.  The resulting spawn eventually became Gonzaga's mascot, Spike the bulldog.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

In the grand scheme, I have nothing against Gonzaga.  Sure, their love affair with their crappy law school is kinda funny.  But they graduate many fine members of society, and are generally unoffensive (video above notwithstanding).  Sure, I'm not a huge fan of Spokane.  But it's still a fine town, and I have lots of good memories.

The basketball program, however, is extremely difficult to like.  Mark Few is a terrible person.  They have the 2nd most delusional fanbase on the west coast (what up Duck fans!).  They rack up more meaningless wins than VT football.  (COME AT ME, HOKIE FANS.)

I didn't mind Zag hoops under their old coaches, when they were still the cute and cuddly underdog.  But thanks to Few and the bandwagoning fans, I now root for the Zags to lose every game.  And you probably should, too.*



*...unless you're Catholic.  In that case, if you didn't pick Notre Dame and Gonzaga to go far in your bracket, I'm pretty sure you're going to hell.