West Coast Tour Guide: Arizona State University

I recently asked a group of East Coasters the following:  "What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Arizona State University?"

Here are a few of their answers:

• "Sluts"
• "Maroon and gold"
• "Cash for porn"
• "Their old logo"
• "Hot females"
• "Desert"
• "Girls Gone Wild"

Wow.

First off, I think Girls Gone Wild was mostly filmed in L.A.  Secondly, there are so many other things to make fun of ASU for!  To focus solely on the flexible moral character of their female student body would be doing ASU (and yourselves) a disservice.

If any school is in need of a West Coast Tour Guide to dispel myths and spread truth eastward, it's Arizona State University.

And just to let you know in advance, there won't be any pictures of half-naked ASU sluts in this post.  If that's all you came to look at, I apologize.  Try Google maybe?

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

Arizona State University is the largest school in the country, with enrollment of around 60,000, not including branch campuses.  The student-to-faculty ratio is... um... bad.

ASU's academics are also bad.  They rank dead last in the Pac12, mostly thanks to a low graduation rate, a low freshman retention rate, and the fact that their best academic programs are silly.  (Business?  Yikes.)

Arizona State's academic inferiority is often lampooned in pop culture:

wikipedia.com

ASU's main campus is in Tempe, a huge soulless suburb within the more huge soulless sprawl-plex of Phoenix.  For you East Coasters, think of Phoenix as Miami, except replace the Cubans with Mexicans, and subtract all of the humidity.

Your typical ASU student falls into one of these categories:

• Phoenix kid who wants to stay home
• Aspiring porn star model-actress who couldn't get into an L.A. school
• Local worker taking night classes (a.k.a. the "What Am I Doing Here" student)
• Out of state kid who wants to party for 5 years (a.k.a. the "Doing It Right" student)

Arizona State's reputation as a party school is legendary.  After a few years off, ASU has returned to the top 10 of Playboy's party school rankings, where they've appeared regularly since the 80s.  If you're looking for a place to drink gallons of cheap tequila and hear "WOOOOOOOO" nonstop, Mill Avenue in Tempe has no equal on the west coast.

Famous Arizona State alums include:

• Pat Tillman
• David Spade
• Barry Bonds
• ...wow, I should have stopped this list at Pat Tillman

ASU has been the filming location for many movies, and some of them don't involve bottle-blonde skanks flashing their boobs!  They include:

• Raising Arizona
• A Star is Born
• The Jerry Lewis version of Nutty Professor
• The not-shitty parts of Jerry Maguire

OBLONG BALL

After many years of "Boise-State-ing" it up in the WAC (racking up tons of meaningless wins), both Arizona schools were invited to join the Pac8 in the late 70s.  Arizona State (unlike Arizona) has taken full advantage of this opportunity.  They've won 3 conference titles, one Rose Bowl, and came thisclose to winning a national title in 1996.

Since '96, Arizona State football has been perpetually "on the cusp" of something special, but they've never quite gotten there.  It's mystifying.  ASU has perfectly fine facilities.  They've had a string of good (if not great) coaches.  They have no trouble recruiting good players because it's sunny and classes are easy and girls and stuff.  But for whatever reason, ASU never becomes a consistent winner.

I could write 5 paragraphs detailing the times ASU "almost got there" over the past 20 years.  But you East Coasters have better things to do, like watch crappy football, or argue about who makes the best barbecue (OHHH I MISS IT SO MUCH).  So I'll skip to the take-home message:  Arizona State football is a dormant giant, and their relative lack of success is one of college football's greatest unsolved mysteries.

Todd Graham has a different colored tie for every school.  (rsdnation.com)

The latest coach to try to solve "The Case of the 6-Win Seasons" is Todd Graham.  Graham is famous for his attention to detail on defense, and his numerous vivid dreams:

• After one year at Rice (Graham's first head coaching gig), he signed a contract extension and claimed to "look forward to (building) on the efforts of our first season."
• One day after signing the Rice extension, he accepted a job at Tulsa, calling it "my dream.  I wanted to be head coach at Tulsa."
• In 2011, Graham moved on from Tulsa to take a job at Pitt, calling it "a dream come true."
• Less than one year later, Graham took the ASU job, saying that "coaching there has always been a dream of ours."  Also, he told his boss and Pitt's players he was leaving via text message.  Classayyy.

Todd Graham went 8-5 in his first season at ASU.  He looks forward to building onTHIS JUST IN, Todd Graham has accepted an offer to be the new head coach at Texas U$C UConn Virginia Tech Minnesota Jacksonville New York Giants Christiansburg High School Oakland Raiders Arizona State Texas, calling it his dream job for realsies this time.

Famous former Sun Devils include:

• Jake Plummer
• Darren Woodson (control your boner, Travicopter)
• Zach Miller
• Terrell Suggs (...who is so embarrassed by his ASU degree, he has disowned them and now claims to have matriculated at someplace called "Ball So Hard University")
• Vontaze Burfict (loves illegal hits and chihuahuas)

ASU plays home games at Sun Devil Stadium, a large boring NFL-style field built into "A Mountain" in Tempe.  No seriously, that's what it's called.  "A Mountain."  Like I said earlier, ASU isn't known for being a genius factory.

ROUND BALL

LOL weed joke.  (credit:  Nike)

Arizona State had a history of success with the bouncy squeaky ball from the late 50s to the early 80s.  Emphasis on the word "had."

ASU's basketball program retired along with legendary coach Ned Wulk in 1982.  ASU basketball still gets out occasionally, though.  In '95 they went on a really neat field trip to the Sweet 16.  But there were too many loud noises, and the seats were really hard, and they couldn't see the score, and there were too many "ethnics," and for some reason you're not allowed to make money by shaving points anymore.  So nowadays they're happy hanging out in Wells Fargo Arena, eating Jello, and yelling at the nurses.

Famous former hoopsters include:

• James Harden
• Thaaaat's about it

FANS

sportsillustrated.cnn.com

Sun Devil fans are pretty harmless...... unless their teams are winning.

I've visited Tempe 3 times for Husky games.  On the first 2 visits, the Devils weren't doing much on the field, and the fans mostly left us alone (besides a few requisite middle fingers).  They weren't "Nebraska Nice," but they weren't Oregon either.

For visit number 3, ASU was off to a hot 6-0 start and ranked in the top 10.  Sun Devil fans celebrated (before, during, and after the game) by screaming at every Husky fan they saw, throwing stuff at us from passing cars, and trying to fight me while in line for the bathroom.

If you visit Tempe for a sporting event, check ASU's win/loss record and prepare accordingly.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The Arizona State Sun Devil Marching Band is known as "The Pride of the Southwest," and holy crap are they proud of themselves.  They have the longest Wikipedia article I've ever seen dedicated to a marching band (obviously written by their PR dork, but still, wow).  It's longer than the Wikipedia article about U$C's marching band, and U$C's band is in movies and stuff.  It's pretty amazing, because I've seen ASU's band, practiced with them, hung out with them... and they're not interesting in any way.  They shuffle around the field twice per game and play halftime shows like "Tribute to the Opera" and "Tribute to Journey."  That Wikipedia article should be 2 sentences long:  "Arizona State has a marching band.  They wear giant plumes on their heads and are boring."

"Hey kids!  Guess where this hand is going?"  (yahoo.com)

Arizona State's suited mascot is named Sparky, and he's the creepiest mascot on the west coast.  His signature move involves spastically moving his head like he's having a seizure.  Also, he looks like Vincent Price if he came back to life as a pedophile.

sikids.com

If you've ever watched an ASU game on TV, you might have noticed their fans flashing gang signs.  I assure you that no white people in Phoenix are in gangs.  Those are actually "pitchforks." They're supposed to simulate the same pitchfork that Sparky carries around.  In reality, they look more like versions of "The Shocker" that would be uncomfortable or unsatisfying for the ladies.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

It's only a matter of time before Arizona State gets their act together and wins 12 straight titles in football and basketball.  All of the pieces are in place.  They're in a major metro area, the weather is totally awesome for 9 months every year, and they have no academic standards that would keep star athletes from qualifying.

But until that time comes, Arizona State University is the funniest running joke in the Pac12.  They're the most unapologetic party school west of Iowa.  A gifted 3rd grader would make the dean's list at ASU.  Their campus has zero atmosphere.  (Imagine if Bourbon Street ran through a suburban office park.  That's Mill Avenue and the Tempe campus.)

The only reason the Pac12 presidents keep ASU around is so they can take awesome golf trips to Scottsdale.

...and so fans of the northern "cold-weather" schools have a fun place to roadtrip for games.  (WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!)