I Had An Epiphany

Despite what the frothy-mouthed Hokie natives here believe, I like Virginia Tech football. The fans are great, they're the best team in their conference, the tailgating is top-notch, and they modeled their defense after UW's in the early 90s. What's not to like?

But something has always bugged me about the Hokies. There was a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn't quite identify.

After reading players' and coaches' comments about Saturday’s clown-stomping, and their reaction to VT falling ass-backwards into the Sugar Bowl, it finally came to me.


My problem lies with Frank Beamer. The Frankinator. Saint Francis of Fancy Gap.

I can't fucking stand Frank Beamer.

There, I said it. I surrender myself to whatever punishment my fellow authors feel is appropriate.

But first, please let me present my case.

CHARGE #1: Extreme and irrational resistance to change

Since the BCS title game run of 2000, VT has dominated its conference(s), but hasn't seriously contended for another BCS title. Unfortunately, getting back to the title game requires doing something that Beamer doesn't do well: Adjust.

The scheduling strategy is one example of this behavior. Even though the ACC has completely tanked as a football conference (stop it Hokie fans, this is not debatable), Beamer and Jim Weaver continue to schedule 3 cupcake out-of-conference teams every year. Their hope is that the ACC will have enough "good" teams to improve their profile. Then at the end of the year, after the ACC has pooped all over itself, Beamer whines about not getting the national respect he desperately craves. (To be fair, it's not his fault that Florida State and Miami have been irrelevant for 8 years. But his failure to acknowledge that the ACC "ain't what it used to be" holds VT back.)

The offense, however, is the most obvious example of Frank's arrogance. For the better part of 10 years, VT has struggled to maintain an offense that doesn’t completely and totally suck balls on a weekly basis.

Exhibit A

Two common threads through the most recent problems are the offensive coordinator (Bryan "Why Pass On First Down?" Stinespring) and the offensive line coach (Curt "What's A Stunt?" Newsome). Stinespring and Newsome successfully recruit Tyrod-tastic skill players, and "capable" linemen. But their terrible coaching costs VT at least 2 games every year.


Beamer has taken steps to ensure that this won't change. When presented with criticism of his ass-tacular offense, Beamer gets red-faced, stomps his feet, and screams like a 5-year-old (see: the Jason from Arlington incident). Even when Stinespring was forced out of playcalling duties last offseason, Beamer insisted that Stinespring retain his "OC" label.

Beamer's stated goal for the VT program is to win a BCS title. However, Beamer also loves "his guys" and the culture he's created. As my mom told me when I wanted a Butterfinger AND a Snickers, "You may only have one." (Pshh, I know, right?)

There's nothing inherently wrong with Beamer maintaining a "family" culture if his goal is to hang out, drink some ‘shine, and ride Bud Foster's defense to wins over Duke and East Carolina. But these behaviors run totally counter to the mission statement of the program.

As long as Beamer rams his heels into the ground at the very suggestion of change, that infamous trophy case is going to remain empty. In the words of a better Metallica song than the one Hokies like: "Sad But True."

......P.S. Lord help VT if they lose Bud Foster.

CHARGE #2: Blaming everyone but himself (a.k.a. "Bitch Moves")

When things go wrong and VT loses, Beamer reliably does the following:

• Mumbles incoherent coach-speak. "We did some things, they did some things," etc. (To be fair, he does this after wins, too.)
• Deflects blame like his job is at risk. (Put other ways: He punks out. He throws people under the bus. He pulls a bitch move.)

"You! This is all YOUR fault!"

Comments from Saturday's game provide the perfect example. When asked about the obviously inferior gameplan's role in a 38-10 loss, Beamer said "I don't blame our preparation."

REALLY? Your preparation wasn't a problem? Your preparation involved minimal read-option, even though it was used to great success for the past 5+ games? Your preparation involved keeping your fastest player out of the game, except for the times you wanted to run him into a 12-man blitz/coverage? THAT was your preparation?

What did you expect your kids to do? This?

The worst bitch move this season, however, occurred after the first Clemson loss. The Hokies got a false start penalty after a timeout at a key moment in the game. It was a huge coaching error. I’ve barely played any flag football, and even I know it's the coaches' job to ensure that everyone knows the snap count for the play after a timeout.

What did Beamer do? Own up and apologize?

Of course not. He blamed the band.

"Usually the band's good with us, but they were loud and we couldn't hear the snap count, so we jump offsides." Nevermind the fact that we were coming out of a timeout, or that video evidence later proved the band wasn't even playing at the time. Nice move, bitch.

He retracted (slightly) a few days later, but it was still an outrageous bitch move. Even for a guy who is an expert at them.

CHARGE #3: The "10-win" thing

"What?? You called pass interference on us?? Don't you know we win 10 games every year???"

Frank Beamer has 10-win Tourette's. It’s his go-to statement when it’s obvious things aren't going his way in an interview.

Terrible offense? "Well, we have 11 wins, and we're pretty proud of that."

8-10 record in bowl games, including 2-5 in BCS bowls? "Can't worry about that, we're just trying to get to 10 wins."

Awful record in marquee games against top opponents? "Well we have 10 wins, so we're obviously like Southern Cal."

Gifted with an undeserved bowl bid that has the nation up in arms? "Well we have a chance to get to 12 wins, which is pretty neato burrito. We're basically the best team ever."

Hey Frank, and Hokie fans who happily swallow this line: Ten annual wins over inferior competition (and minimal major bowl victories) does not make you like Southern Cal. You're more like Boise State. Or Gonzaga in basketball.

Ten-win seasons are nothing to turn up your nose at. But Frank's constant whining for respect gets REALLY old, REALLY quick.

CLOSING ARGUMENT

None of this should be taken as a suggestion that Frank Beamer should be fired, so the Hokies can pursue loftier goals. For all of his faults, Beamer also led VT out from the abyss and into the national consciousness. He is coach-for-life, and rightfully so.

However, as the saying goes: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

Frank Beamer is insane. And a bit dick-ish.


Hokie fans must embrace the truth about Frank Beamer, and temper expectations accordingly (especially those national title aspirations). He's a bitter old man who refuses to change, blames everyone but himself for the program's problems, and whines like a bitch when he doesn't get respect that he hasn't earned.

As I've outlined, Beamer is an imperfect coach (to say the least). VT is a reflection of him, and it bugs the crap out of me.

So there it is. I love VT football, but hate Frank Beamer. I leave my fate in the hands of the court of my fellow blog authors.

But please, for the love of God, stop asking me to buy raffle tickets for that stupid Beamer-signed football.