Tupac vs. Biggie: 2011 Conference Championship Games

The Pac12 will stage their first-ever football championship game this Friday night. It's like... they've CHANGED, man. They've sold out. Mostly to TV networks, so ass-tons of cash can be divided among the member schools, but still.

Anyway, this seems as good a time as any to start a standard "ACC/Pac12" or "East/West" column. For now I'm calling it Tupac vs. Biggie, but will accept suggestions for a less-stupid name.

This edition will compare this weekend's conference title games. Each conference will be judged on various meaningless categories. I'll try to be as objective as possible, and avoid saying things like the Oregon Ducks suck ass, or Chip Kelly is a smug lying cheating asshole, or Phil Knight uses child slavery to fund his Oregon football fetish, or Duck fans enjoy eating Costco-sized bags of Nike-brand dicks. Oops.

GAME LOCATION

ACC: Charlotte, NC

After 5 years of pathetic crowds in Florida, the ACC caught the vapors, moved their title game to Charlotte in 2010, and played to a near-sellout. They're back in Charlotte this year. The ACC brass continues to be puzzled by this game with the oddly-shaped brown ball, but eventually they figured out what its fans want.

Charlotte is the largest city in North Carolina, a major banking center, a jewel of the "New South" (whatever that means), and the home of Bojangle's and Nascar. Ugh.

Pac12: Eugene, OR

The Pac12 game will be held at the home stadium of the team with the best conference record. This year it's Autzen Stadium in Eugene. Some say that the Pac12 is copping out by choosing an assured sellout over a pure neutral site game, but the Pac12 can't hear you under their enormous pile of money.

Eugene is a beautiful city, with gorgeous scenery and lots of outdoor opportunities. Unfortunately, it's populated by hippies, anarchists, self-righteous college kids, and trailer trash.

Advantage: ACC. I'll take Nascar fans over dirty hippies and Duck fans every day.

TEAMS INVOLVED

ACC: Surging VT plays broke-ass Clemson

VT racked up 11 wins against 11 teams who are currently unranked in the BCS. Despite that, their defense is boneriffic as usual, and their offense appears to have found itself late. ("HOLY CRAP WE HAVE A 500 POUND MOBILE QB AND A SPEEDY TAILBACK! WE SHOULD RUN SOME READ-OPTION!")

Always the eternal optimists, some Hokie fans think that an ACC championship could propel them to the BCS title game. Bless their hearts.

After dealing VT their only loss of the season, Clemson totally collapsed because they're Clemson and that's what they do.

Pac12: Solid Oregon plays chronic underachiever UCLA

Oregon succeeds with their patented "blur" offense, and their "sometimes" defense. The Ducks are also good at smoking weed in university vehicles, going 110 in university vehicles, stealing laptops, and choking their girlfriends. Oregon sucks.

UCLA finished second in the South Division, has a lame-duck head coach, and lost 50-0 last week. UCLA is only here because U$C (the hottest team in the country right now) is still on probation. Thanks a lot, Trojans.

Advantage: Push. For football-related content, the ACC might be the best choice. But for pure entertainment value, the Pac12 wins. Both games will be blowouts of various magnitude, but UCLA's nationally televised embarrassment promises to deliver lots of laughs. Odds that UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel starts crying on the sideline: 2 to 1.

MEDIA COVERAGE

ACC: ESPN Saturday primetime

Brent Musberger (legendary announcer) and Kirk Herbstreit (legendary hair) will be calling the game. Also playing Saturday in primetime: Oklahoma @ Oklahoma State, and the first-ever Big 10 championship game. Good luck with those TV ratings, ACC.

Pac12: Friday primetime on Fox

(Picture unrelated)

The inaugural Pac12 title game will pre-empt a rerun of Fringe. Are you ready for some football, lazy nerds???

Gus Johnson and some dude will be calling the Pac12 game. Gus Johnson is the greatest play-by-play guy on television today:

Advantage: ACC. Friday night is for high school football.

FANS/GENERAL ENVIRONMENT

ACC: 2 "football-friendly" fanbases

Since both involved schools are within easy driving distance, the ACC title game will be well-attended. It should be an exhibition of all that's fun, great, and exciting about ACC footballAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA OH MAN, ALMOST GOT THROUGH THAT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.

(Credit: RjTheMetalhead of HoisttheColors.net)

Pac12: Oregon

Games in Autzen Stadium are always bananas, especially later kickoffs. I have the battle scars to prove it (e.g. shards of rawhide dog toys lodged in my face).

On a related note: Did you know the "O" hand symbol that Duck fans like to flash means "vagina" in sign language?

Advantage: Pac12 by a lot. Before I get blasted for bias, let it be known that if Stanford were hosting the Pac12 game, the ACC would easily win this category.

CONCLUSION

The ACC will have a better matchup, a neutral field, and 2 fanbases that give a crap about football.

The Pac 12 will have insane Duck fans, and lots of uncomfortable TV shots of Rick Neuheisel.

Ultimately, nobody wins here. Both of these games will require copious amounts of liquor to enjoy properly. The entire institution of college football will suffer as a result of these horrible games.

My advice: Take your ladyfriend/dudefriend out to dinner on Friday night, then watch a better football game on Saturday night.

And remember, ACC fans: UNC basketball takes on Kentucky, Saturday at noon on CBS!