Today is what I like to call "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day". It's not something you would typically celebrate with your family of church-goers or design paper hats for in elementary school only because "Mother Fuckin" is in the name. But "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day" is meant to be celebrated by those people too. Just because you're too adult for the phrase "Mother Fuckin" or the idea of fucking mothers hits home for you in a weird place doesn't mean you can't enjoy what this day is, what it stands for, and why it's monumental.
Today we are all 0-0. The Hokies are 0-0. The Huskies are 0-0. We all have perfect records, round on each end, and flat in the middle. The flat part is the hyphen.
By Tuesday, we will add 1's to our record. Either on the front side of the flat spot or the back side and unless you're talking about a Busta Rhymes music video, this ain't the good kind of back side either.
So like most things awesome, there's a story behind Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day and I would like to share it with you.
When I was a child, my grandfather didn't talk to me about college football because he never attended college and he had already been dead for a couple years when I was born. So there's that, but my father instilled in me the idea of Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day when I was about six years old. It started off when he showed me his old yearbooks from when he played pigskin in high school.
I was curious about the game and it was hard for me to understand initially. Why would anyone want to get hit so hard just to run around carrying that goofy ball that never bounces right? But Dad was persistent and wanted to show me the way of the pigskin so that I could one day suit up and make him proud. That night we cuddled up on the couch in front of the TV. I had my little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle blanket wrapped over my lap to keep my popcorn from getting on the couch and up my shorts. I still can't eat popcorn worth a damn. Dad waited for the coverage to start and as the team was lining up to form a line for the kickoff, my Dad turned to me and asked, "Son, are you ready for this?"
I didn't know what was coming next so I timidly replied, "Ready for what?"
"Mother Fuckin Kick-Off, son." The moments that followed impacted my football watching career for the rest of my life. I watched Virginia Tech lose to NC State, 7-0, in probably the worst fucking display of football I have ever seen in my entire life to this very day. I one time watched two blind fat people have sex on the internet just to prove a point and I made it 13 seconds in Two Girls, One Cup before I passed out. Trust me, I have the badges of honor. This game was fucking atrocious. The replay of the game has been featured in some famous exorcisms and was even outlawed in Guantanamo by Dick Cheney himself. Hokie quarterback Will Furrer threw 5 interceptions in that game, coincidentally the same game that proved to a young Sean Glennon that you really can be what you want in life. Thankfully, being a Hokie fan has gotten better over the years - except for that whole Sean Glennon part.
So, my first Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day wasn't even on the first day of the season. It was the second week but getting VT on TV was an extremely rare occasion back then and lucky for us, Dad stole satellite off the neighbors. VT wrapped up the season toting a 5-6 record with marquee wins over no one. We did only lose to then #6 Oklahoma by 10 but we fuckin got housed by UVA (#20) 38-0. I knew being a VT fan would be difficult at times and too easy at others but since then, I've been excited about every opening day of Division 1 College Football since.
Tonight we get to see two semi-quality SEC teams get it on. South Carolina is known for jack-shit in football but having the Ol' Ball Coach at the helm is always in your favor and he's got the Cocks throbbing down in Columbia. Vanderbilt is also known for being an SEC butt plug too but somehow they've managed to upgrade from "butt plug" to "not quite as butt plug" and even have the recruiting class to suggest a promising future. It doesn't get any better than this. Happy Mother Fuckin' Kick-Off Day Ya'll!!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
The moments before the presser: Goodbye Greenberg
"A narrative tale that details the strength and will of a man against all odds."- Anonymous prank caller
"Bravo! A normal man faced with a tough business decision and his mental anguish in following through! Classic" - Nobody
"One of the best movies I've seen in a while. Follows the book closely!" - Someone who had just stepped out of the Hunger Games
For me, saying goodbye to Seth Greenberg was simple. He can take his conspiracy theory excuses, over dramatic antics, and piss poor attitude to Connecticut and proudly mock us on ESPN for the next fifteen years - by all means, do it. But before Jim Weaver went straight cold blooded on Seth, I had my doubts about what the presser was about and feared the worst: Bud Foster.
As we know now, the presser (press conference) was called several hours before even Greenberg found out he was fired. David Teel, a journalist, reported to have called Seth at some point and Greenberg answered the phone with, "Yes! I'm still employed.." or something along those lines. At some point between that phone conversation and the press conference, Jim Weaver delivered the news.
Here is the timeline in which I believe shit went down:In mere days leading up to this date, three Greenberg assistants made lateral moves and wouldn't accept more money to return.
Fast-forward: Tuesday, April 24th, 2012
5:30am: Jim Weaver rolls out of bed. Last night was a typical Monday night. Went to bed at 9:30, sharp, like a boss.
5:32am: Clicks on TV, finishes last bit of DVR'd Simpsons from Sunday night. "I kinda look like Homer Simpson," he always thought.
5:45am: Coffee. Extra sugar. Going to be a good day.
5:53am: Read the Roanoke Times sports page. Kind of boring. Not seeing his own name or any noteworthy Hokie news... bothered by it.
6:12am: Shower time. He calls it "wet-naked-Jimmy time" to himself, chuckles aloud. "It's going to be a good day," he thinks with a grin.
6:24am: Puts on the fancy suit. Feelin' a presser comin'. Maybe I'll can the entire tennis program. Fuck'm!
7:10am: Arrives at Virginia Tech office. Tosses aside paperwork from last Hokie basketball assistant coach's departure. Gets an itch to punch a woman... ignores it.
7:12am: Sees a woman. Ignores urge. "She's done nothing to us Jimmy. Let it pass." Takes a deep breath, urge subsides.
7:14-7:33am: Stares out window. Misses the taste of blood. Needs a fresh kill. Sees kids playing tennis pretty early. "They seem so innocent," he thinks. "And they shall be spared.."
7:34am: Checks the Twitters. "No one is making fun of my disease today, that's new." Trending topics are kinda lame. Needs some spice in his life. Reads Reddit and laughs at cats.
8:12am: Greenberg strolls by. He looks all cocky. "Blamed me for not paying his assistants enough. God, I fucking hate that guy. But he's too high profile, the public would burn me."
8:14am: Hears Greenberg shout something from his office to his secretary about why his recruit scheduled for today wasn't scheduled for tomorrow. "Just do your job, Seth," he says to himself. "Today is not the day for shenanigans, I'm out for blood."
8:15am-10:30am: Researches available basketball coaches on the internet.
10:31am: Go talk to Beamer.
10:35am: "God, I love Frank," he thinks to himself. "Just staring at him while he talks is enjoyable. He's such a great man.... Wait, he just asked me a question and I was too busy ogling him to pay attention."
Asks Frank to repeat himself.
"Oh, shew. He was just offering me more coffee... God, sorry Frank. Love you!"
Frank talks about how much he loves all his coaches and they're just one big happy family. "Man, I wish the basketball program had that instead of Greenbooger." Sigh.
11:01am: Googles how to call a press conference.
11:22am: Calls media staff. "Say, how do you schedule a press conference? Totally hypothetical"
11:30am: Inadvertently schedules a press conference for 4pm. How the fuck did I do that? Shit. Shit.
11:32am: Greenberg stops by. Made some half witted gesture about how if all his assistants got free Yukons and blowjobs he wouldn't have to try so hard to keep them around.
11:35am: Googles best way to deliver bad news.
12:04pm: "Off to Our Daily Bread for some fuckin' sweet lunch with my hot wife."
12:32pm: Wife asks why he's being so quiet. He gives her an unsettling look. She quietly picks up her things and leaves. Jim didn't notice that he had been grinding his fork into her hand while thinking of Greenberg. The smell of her fear set him off - Greenberg is on deck.
12:54pm: Back in the office. Cracks knuckles, puts forehead on desk. Thinks.
1:12pm: Visits Frank. Tells Frank the surprise presser has nothing to do with the football program..
Frank is pleased to hear it.
1:45pm: "God I love talking to Frank."
2:23pm: Frank asked how Greenberg took the news. "Jimby fordot," he said through shame. Beamer explains to him in full detail how bad of an idea this is.
2:24pm: Shit!
2:42pm: Greenberg is with a recruit. The recruit doesn't look very interested anyway. Maybe that's a good thing.
2:45pm: News vans starting to roll in. "Better check my Twitter!"
2:53pm: LOLZ, they think Bud is leaving. Hahahaha.
3:03pm: Recruit steps out. Better call Seth in.
3:05pm: Wow, that Seth Greenberg REALLY knows how to use the "fuck" word.
3:09pm: He's in there crying. LOLz
3:12pm: "Oh keep making threats you troll, I'm over here shaking in my boots!"
3:18pm: Back on Twitter baby.
3:30pm: Ha, people think I'm stepping down? Think again. Jimmy lives forever.
3:45pm: Can't tell if I'm shaking because I'm nervous or if..
3:55pm: This is going to be awesome.
In loving memory:
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