West Coast Tour Guide: UCLA

EDITED 12/31/2013:  Gave this a quick polish for the Hokies who want to know more about Westwood High School.  Enjoy!

What up, Hokies?  Hope this series of posts continues to be helpful.  The most recent West Coast Tour Guide post covered one of the few "basketball schools" of the Pac12. Let's keep that theme rolling, because I know you ACC fans love to talk hoops!

In this edition, you'll learn a bit about the best basketball school west of Kansas: UCLA.

SCHOOL AND ENVIRONS

The University of California Los Angeles is a well-respected branch campus of Cal Berkeley. This really bothers the snooty Cal fans, but most UCLA alums are too coked out to notice.

In most academic rankings of public schools, UCLA is found below Cal (and sometimes UVA, UNC, and Michigan). However, when it comes to general douche-i-ness, UCLA is second to none.

While U$C is in an area you shouldn't visit unarmed, UCLA is located in the posh Westwood neighborhood. Visitors with $10 haircuts are turned away at the main gate, unless they got the $10 haircut "ironically."

UCLA goes by many derogatory nicknames:

• The Cal Extension School
• FUCLA
• SUCLA
• Westwood High School
• Under Construction Like Always
• U-C-Lots-of-Asians
• University of Caucasians Lost among Asians
• Holy Crap Look at all the Asians

UCLA's "famous alumni" list is extremely long. For brevity's sake, I'll just tell you that Johnnie Cochran and half of freaking Hollywood went there.

OBLONG BALL

Despite basketball being king, UCLA's football program doesn't historically suck. Among western schools, they're 2nd in conference titles (to U$C) and top 4 in win percentage. The Bruins are mostly known for passing a lot on offense, wearing baby blue, and having lustrous hair.

UCLA saw a bunch of success under Terry Donahue from the 70s to the mid 90s. Bob Toledo took over for Donahue, coasted for a few years, then got fired in 2002.  (For the Hokies:  Bob Toledo = Larry Coker.)

In the 10 years since, UCLA has hired and fired 2 more coaches, as their play has waffled between Clemson-esque and Duke-tastic.  Their latest victim is former NFL coach Jim L. Mora. Mora is a former walk-on at UW, and recently leveraged a UW job offer into a fat raise from UCLA.

Famous former Bruin footballers include:

• Troy Aikman
• Maurice Jones-Drew
• J.J. Stokes
• Cade McNown LOL
• Rick Neuheisel (Conflicted feelings about this one)
• Mark Harmon (Yeah, the dude from NCIS! Not kidding!)

UCLA doesn't have an on-campus football stadium. For many years, they shared the L.A. Coliseum with U$C (kinda like New York's Jets and Giants, only wayyyyy douchier). The Bruins currently play 25 miles off campus at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. Going to a Bruin home game at the fabulous Rose Bowl is sorta like going to a 5th grade band concert at Carnegie Hall. It's not the same experience.

ROUND BALL

UCLA is all about the round orange ball.

UCLA was coached for a zillion years by John Wooden. Wooden was nicknamed the Dark Lord Wizard of Westwood. The Bruins won 10 national titles under Wooden, including 7 straight in the 60s and 70s. In those days, cereal was only 30 cents a box, and a Bruin basketball player only cost a few thousand bucks.

"He wants TEN grand? Well... alright..."

(Side note: A UCLA booster paid for cars, housing, and abortions for the basketball team, and they won a billion titles. Miami did the exact same stuff for its football team in the 2000s, and they only won one title. Hey Canes: You're doing it wrong.)

UCLA won another title under Jim Harrick (above, middle left) in '95. It should be noted that the team was mostly recruited by then-assistant, and current UW head coach, Lorenzo Romar. Just sayin'.

Harrick was fired a few years later for some weak-ass shit. Oooh, he paid for some recruits’ dinners and then lied about it. Pbbffft.

Steve Lavin (above) took over for Harrick. Lavin won a lot, but didn't make a Final Four, and had ridiculous Pat Riley hair. He also had one bad year where UCLA went 10-19 and missed the tournament. This might fly at 90% of Pac12 schools, but it'll get you fired at UCLA.

Ben Howland (from Pitt) replaced Lavin. The Bruins went to 3 Final Fours under Howland, but didn't win a national title, which is another fireable offense at UCLA.  Steve Alford replaced Howland last year, and I look forward to UCLA's rationale for firing him.

Former Bruin hoopsters include:

• Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (Star of the comedy classic Airplane!)
• Bill Walton (Fucking hippie.)
• Baron Davis (Million dollar mouth,10-cent talent.)
• Jordan Farmar (What's up with that dude’s ears?)
• Kevin Love (Forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves)
• Russell Westbrook (Point guard for the Zombie Sonics.)
• Reggie Miller (See Baron Davis. Also, his sister was better.)

UCLA plays in historic Pauley Pavilion. Depending on the opponent, Pauley can be extremely raucous, or UVA-ish.

FANS

Los Angeles is home to some of the most finicky sports fans on the planet.  L.A. fans love a winner, but abandon their support in droves at the first sign of adversity.

Despite the heavy regional prominence of bandwagoning, UCLA does have a relatively loyal following for its basketball team.  Even when no students show up, the alumni support is pretty steady.

The football team is a different story. Bruin football is a case study in L.A. fandom.  Despite a history of success, the football team only gets interest if they win 9 games, and if U$C isn't as good. So, you know... not often.

Bruin fans also get really mouthy after a few wins, just like U$C fans, Dodger fans, and especially Laker fans. It's just an L.A. thing.

Take home message:  UCLA fans are super annoying.  But they can't help it.  They're victims of their environment.

BAND NERDS, MASCOTS, AND OTHER SYMBOLS

The UCLA Bruin Marching Band (a.k.a. "The Solid Gold Sound") walks around, makes circles and lines, and wears gold capes. Any band that wears capes automatically sucks at life. ...okay maybe that's not fair. From my experience, only half of the Bruin band is "nerd alert" material. And at least they're not the U$C band.


Speaking of the Trojans... Every 4 years, a week before the U$C game, the Bruin band performs a halftime show that parodies the fall of Troy (complete with togas and a Trojan horse). UW's band played this show with them in '99, because nobody can resist a chance to hate on U$C. Pictures are here, and it was just as fun as it looks. Here's a video of their 2011 show (bad sound, but you get the idea):

UCLA's proximity to Hollywood affords the Bruin band with opportunities to appear in a bunch of movies, including Hello Dolly and 500 Days of Summer. They also played in the music video for "Bugaboo" by Destiny's Child, and on a Dan Fogelberg album in the 80s.

UCLA has male and female mascots: Joe and Josephine Bruin. They aren't creepy at all. Nope. Not even a little bit.

HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL

PROS: UCLA is a fine institution with a number of great academic programs. It has a basketball tradition that commands respect, and a football program that should probably get more respect than it does. Westwood is pretty nice.

CONS: It's in Los Angeles. Most of the fans suck.

FINAL VERDICT: At least they're not U$C.