Today is what I like to call "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day". It's not something you would typically celebrate with your family of church-goers or design paper hats for in elementary school only because "Mother Fuckin" is in the name. But "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day" is meant to be celebrated by those people too. Just because you're too adult for the phrase "Mother Fuckin" or the idea of fucking mothers hits home for you in a weird place doesn't mean you can't enjoy what this day is, what it stands for, and why it's monumental.
Today we are all 0-0. The Hokies are 0-0. The Huskies are 0-0. We all have perfect records, round on each end, and flat in the middle. The flat part is the hyphen.
By Tuesday, we will add 1's to our record. Either on the front side of the flat spot or the back side and unless you're talking about a Busta Rhymes music video, this ain't the good kind of back side either.
So like most things awesome, there's a story behind Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day and I would like to share it with you.
When I was a child, my grandfather didn't talk to me about college football because he never attended college and he had already been dead for a couple years when I was born. So there's that, but my father instilled in me the idea of Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day when I was about six years old. It started off when he showed me his old yearbooks from when he played pigskin in high school.
I was curious about the game and it was hard for me to understand initially. Why would anyone want to get hit so hard just to run around carrying that goofy ball that never bounces right? But Dad was persistent and wanted to show me the way of the pigskin so that I could one day suit up and make him proud. That night we cuddled up on the couch in front of the TV. I had my little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle blanket wrapped over my lap to keep my popcorn from getting on the couch and up my shorts. I still can't eat popcorn worth a damn. Dad waited for the coverage to start and as the team was lining up to form a line for the kickoff, my Dad turned to me and asked, "Son, are you ready for this?"
I didn't know what was coming next so I timidly replied, "Ready for what?"
"Mother Fuckin Kick-Off, son." The moments that followed impacted my football watching career for the rest of my life. I watched Virginia Tech lose to NC State, 7-0, in probably the worst fucking display of football I have ever seen in my entire life to this very day. I one time watched two blind fat people have sex on the internet just to prove a point and I made it 13 seconds in Two Girls, One Cup before I passed out. Trust me, I have the badges of honor. This game was fucking atrocious. The replay of the game has been featured in some famous exorcisms and was even outlawed in Guantanamo by Dick Cheney himself. Hokie quarterback Will Furrer threw 5 interceptions in that game, coincidentally the same game that proved to a young Sean Glennon that you really can be what you want in life. Thankfully, being a Hokie fan has gotten better over the years - except for that whole Sean Glennon part.
So, my first Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day wasn't even on the first day of the season. It was the second week but getting VT on TV was an extremely rare occasion back then and lucky for us, Dad stole satellite off the neighbors. VT wrapped up the season toting a 5-6 record with marquee wins over no one. We did only lose to then #6 Oklahoma by 10 but we fuckin got housed by UVA (#20) 38-0. I knew being a VT fan would be difficult at times and too easy at others but since then, I've been excited about every opening day of Division 1 College Football since.
Tonight we get to see two semi-quality SEC teams get it on. South Carolina is known for jack-shit in football but having the Ol' Ball Coach at the helm is always in your favor and he's got the Cocks throbbing down in Columbia. Vanderbilt is also known for being an SEC butt plug too but somehow they've managed to upgrade from "butt plug" to "not quite as butt plug" and even have the recruiting class to suggest a promising future. It doesn't get any better than this. Happy Mother Fuckin' Kick-Off Day Ya'll!!
Showing posts with label hokies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hokies. Show all posts
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Sunday, November 20, 2011
5 hilarious things about UVA football
1) They say things like "Pledge" and they do football like "Pussies"
By now we've all seen the video released by UVA's athletic department (also featured in BW's post "Pledge") in an effort to attract more alumni to their biggest game of the year and probably their biggest game as a program in the last 9 years. But in case you've been too busy gawking at David Wilson's stats and/or his shirtless bod photographs, here it is again:
In case you're not allowed to watch it wherever you are, allow me to help you recap, courtesy of the Key Play.
0:00 - 0:05 Nothing says Thanksgiving football like the slow, soft vocals Skylar Grey delicately massaging my sensitive side.
0:05 - 0:30 Yes, we get it, you beat a ranked Georgia Tech. /round of applause
0:30 - 0:42 Let's celebrate a 21-20 OT victory against Idaho. ♫ shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots everybody ♫
0:50 - 0:57 Oh Shit! Sacking Indiana REMIX! (Indiana is currently tied for 98th nationally giving up 2.7 sacks a game, but shhhhhhh no one needs to know that!)
1:00 - 1:09 Dean Groves, former Jeopardy writer and current Macy's department store dresser.
1:11 - 1:21 "It's like, V-Tech, so, it's like totally going to be the most awesome-o bestest thing ever!"
1:22 - 1:35 I'm not a Hoo Bob. Also, I'm astonished you have to reinforce there's more to being a Hoo than the lawn. It's just a fucking lawn.
1:37 - 1:44 Hey bro, I'm Will and I represent every stereotype you've heard about UVa ever.
1:45 - 1:57 I don't have the balls to fuck with Ms. Kathy.
1:58 - 2:11 It's not called the backyard brawl, and you didn't sweep us twice in basketball last year Mike Scott. #UVaStudentAthletes
2:13 - 2:59 Bullshit, bullshit, fluff, coach speak, bullshit, took the reciprocal of the student body and got division by zero error, more bullshit, doh forgot to thank Jesus, bullshit, *fart-noises*, fluff, "orange face" the fuck?, fluff, one last please show up because my job depends on it.
3:05 Ms. Kathy said "dad-gummit".
2) They want you to know that one time they scored a touchdown
UVa fans that I know, realizing that this (the previous video) made them look like a bag of frozen pussy farts, redirected me to another video that they say UVa "should have" released instead.
But all this video ultimately does is show what a pain in the ass it is to paint "ACC" on grass, remind us all that Heath Miller once played there, and that nothing good has happened for UVa over the course of our lifetimes and probably never will again.
Because UVa sucks. And it stands for suck.
3) Tiki Barber
If you want to argue that UVa has produced some good NFL players, you could. Ronde Barber, Thomas Jones, Heath Miller, Matt Schaub, and Chris Long make the list of recent Hoos who have gone on to be successful at the next level. But Tiki Barber? He's a piece of shit.
His running style is "fumble" and he's most known for throwing his teammates and coaches under the bus. He even threw Eli Manning under the short bus.
He retired from the NFL and now wants to unretire. Anytime you make a career move that draws references to Brett Favre then you should probably go kill yourself. Plus, he's named after a torch that repels gnats.
As a broadcaster, Tiki was perhaps less tolerable than John Madden, Chris Collinsworth, and Dennis Miller combined. He once interviewed John McCain and hosted a segment on Fox & Friends, which no doubt makes him Herman Caine's favorite "black" guy. He worked for NBC as an NFL broadcaster for two years before being let go by NBC in May of 2010. To put that in perspective, NBC kept Bryant Gumble, My Name is Earl, and every iteration of Law & Order on air longer than Tiki Barber.
4) "Hoos"
Derived from "Wahoos" stemming from the Cavalier yell "Wahoowa", UVa students and alumni love to refer to themselves as Hoos, neverminding the fact that Dr. Seuss wrote a story about them having their Christmas stolen by a sad, green, mountain troll with a dick shaped dog. They have often been so creative as to chant phrases such as "Hoo's Your Daddy!" and "Hoo let the Cavs out!" plus other bullshit that makes no sense whatsoever.
"Then, what is a Hokie?" One Hoo might argue. "Is it some homo-leaning, made-up mascot name that you and your school rally around, similar to a "Hoo"?" Yes. But there is a difference in that when you think of a Hokie, you picture our proud ass-kickin turkey mascot.
Versus, when you think of a Hoo...
"Heeeeyy, Hoo's got two thumbs and herpes? Haha, me brah"
5) They care about other sports too
Some people have a problem with VT being a one sport school. We only rally around our other sports when they're successful and give up on them quickly if they're not. Take VT basketball for instance. When winning, Cassell can be a fun place on a game night. When mediocre or when football season is still going, Cassell provides lots of leg room, which I prefer. I see no problem with this. We care about football... a lot. So what? I like Chinese food but I don't order everything off the menu just because. I order what I fuckin' like. I like football and even when we lose, I like football.
UVa fans will hold their women's cross country national championships, their Lacrosse success, and their soccer and baseball success over our heads and scoff at our empty, reserved spot for our much desired National Championship trophy for football. I see no problem in having lofty goals, even if we may never achieve that trophy, we'll have no problem finding a place to put it if we do. They like to pick their battles, that's why they become lawyers. But we all know that the foundation for the rivalry remains on the gridiron. They can sweep men's and women's pissing contests all the want, but if they lose to us in football that's all people really care about.
The truth of the matter is, VT football has cast a big shadow across all of Virginia for almost 15 years now and UVa can't stand it. They can beat our ass in Polo, Chess, Spelling, Softball, Wine Tasting, and Dick Jousting until their blue in the balls... but Hokies don't notice nor care.
Today, there are millions of seven year old children who don't know a world where UVa can beat VT in football.
"My momma said that UVa football is what douche companies watch to improve their product"
"I'll one day drive a car better than UVa plays football"
"People used to make fun of my ears until I told them I rooted for UVa"
By now we've all seen the video released by UVA's athletic department (also featured in BW's post "Pledge") in an effort to attract more alumni to their biggest game of the year and probably their biggest game as a program in the last 9 years. But in case you've been too busy gawking at David Wilson's stats and/or his shirtless bod photographs, here it is again:
0:00 - 0:05 Nothing says Thanksgiving football like the slow, soft vocals Skylar Grey delicately massaging my sensitive side.
0:05 - 0:30 Yes, we get it, you beat a ranked Georgia Tech. /round of applause
0:30 - 0:42 Let's celebrate a 21-20 OT victory against Idaho. ♫ shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots everybody ♫
0:50 - 0:57 Oh Shit! Sacking Indiana REMIX! (Indiana is currently tied for 98th nationally giving up 2.7 sacks a game, but shhhhhhh no one needs to know that!)
1:00 - 1:09 Dean Groves, former Jeopardy writer and current Macy's department store dresser.
1:11 - 1:21 "It's like, V-Tech, so, it's like totally going to be the most awesome-o bestest thing ever!"
1:22 - 1:35 I'm not a Hoo Bob. Also, I'm astonished you have to reinforce there's more to being a Hoo than the lawn. It's just a fucking lawn.
1:37 - 1:44 Hey bro, I'm Will and I represent every stereotype you've heard about UVa ever.
1:45 - 1:57 I don't have the balls to fuck with Ms. Kathy.
1:58 - 2:11 It's not called the backyard brawl, and you didn't sweep us twice in basketball last year Mike Scott. #UVaStudentAthletes
2:13 - 2:59 Bullshit, bullshit, fluff, coach speak, bullshit, took the reciprocal of the student body and got division by zero error, more bullshit, doh forgot to thank Jesus, bullshit, *fart-noises*, fluff, "orange face" the fuck?, fluff, one last please show up because my job depends on it.
3:05 Ms. Kathy said "dad-gummit".
2) They want you to know that one time they scored a touchdown
UVa fans that I know, realizing that this (the previous video) made them look like a bag of frozen pussy farts, redirected me to another video that they say UVa "should have" released instead.
But all this video ultimately does is show what a pain in the ass it is to paint "ACC" on grass, remind us all that Heath Miller once played there, and that nothing good has happened for UVa over the course of our lifetimes and probably never will again.
Because UVa sucks. And it stands for suck.
3) Tiki Barber
If you want to argue that UVa has produced some good NFL players, you could. Ronde Barber, Thomas Jones, Heath Miller, Matt Schaub, and Chris Long make the list of recent Hoos who have gone on to be successful at the next level. But Tiki Barber? He's a piece of shit.
His running style is "fumble" and he's most known for throwing his teammates and coaches under the bus. He even threw Eli Manning under the short bus.
He retired from the NFL and now wants to unretire. Anytime you make a career move that draws references to Brett Favre then you should probably go kill yourself. Plus, he's named after a torch that repels gnats.
As a broadcaster, Tiki was perhaps less tolerable than John Madden, Chris Collinsworth, and Dennis Miller combined. He once interviewed John McCain and hosted a segment on Fox & Friends, which no doubt makes him Herman Caine's favorite "black" guy. He worked for NBC as an NFL broadcaster for two years before being let go by NBC in May of 2010. To put that in perspective, NBC kept Bryant Gumble, My Name is Earl, and every iteration of Law & Order on air longer than Tiki Barber.
4) "Hoos"
Derived from "Wahoos" stemming from the Cavalier yell "Wahoowa", UVa students and alumni love to refer to themselves as Hoos, neverminding the fact that Dr. Seuss wrote a story about them having their Christmas stolen by a sad, green, mountain troll with a dick shaped dog. They have often been so creative as to chant phrases such as "Hoo's Your Daddy!" and "Hoo let the Cavs out!" plus other bullshit that makes no sense whatsoever.
"Then, what is a Hokie?" One Hoo might argue. "Is it some homo-leaning, made-up mascot name that you and your school rally around, similar to a "Hoo"?" Yes. But there is a difference in that when you think of a Hokie, you picture our proud ass-kickin turkey mascot.
Versus, when you think of a Hoo...
"Heeeeyy, Hoo's got two thumbs and herpes? Haha, me brah"
5) They care about other sports too
Some people have a problem with VT being a one sport school. We only rally around our other sports when they're successful and give up on them quickly if they're not. Take VT basketball for instance. When winning, Cassell can be a fun place on a game night. When mediocre or when football season is still going, Cassell provides lots of leg room, which I prefer. I see no problem with this. We care about football... a lot. So what? I like Chinese food but I don't order everything off the menu just because. I order what I fuckin' like. I like football and even when we lose, I like football.
UVa fans will hold their women's cross country national championships, their Lacrosse success, and their soccer and baseball success over our heads and scoff at our empty, reserved spot for our much desired National Championship trophy for football. I see no problem in having lofty goals, even if we may never achieve that trophy, we'll have no problem finding a place to put it if we do. They like to pick their battles, that's why they become lawyers. But we all know that the foundation for the rivalry remains on the gridiron. They can sweep men's and women's pissing contests all the want, but if they lose to us in football that's all people really care about.
The truth of the matter is, VT football has cast a big shadow across all of Virginia for almost 15 years now and UVa can't stand it. They can beat our ass in Polo, Chess, Spelling, Softball, Wine Tasting, and Dick Jousting until their blue in the balls... but Hokies don't notice nor care.
Today, there are millions of seven year old children who don't know a world where UVa can beat VT in football.
"My momma said that UVa football is what douche companies watch to improve their product"
"I'll one day drive a car better than UVa plays football"
"People used to make fun of my ears until I told them I rooted for UVa"
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