Happy vs Unhappy: Hokies 2013

I don't have a plan of action or an outline for this entry so excuse the rambling and musings.

Ultimately, the reason I'm most excited about this VT football season is because hype is low and I expect very little.  It's hard to be disappointed when the "feels meter" is hovering right around 0 going into the 2013 campaign.  There's question marks everywhere, mostly on offense, and we start the season against NFL, Jr.

I will be happy if

In the opener against 'Bama in Atlanta we score at least 10 points and don't lose by more than 17.

I know, I know. What? Am I even a Hokie fan?  I would be okay with a 27-10 defeat?  Well, only sort of.  Of course winning would be much preferred and also prove the existence of God which would also prove that Nick Saban is indeed Satan himself.  (Satan and Saban are similar...)  We all have our theories.  But with a new set of coaches, new coaching scheme, the same O-line, and the same wishy-washy quarterback it's really hard for me to feel confident playing against arguably the best college football program of the last twenty years.  Go ahead though, call me cynic.

mrsec.com

But look on the bright side.  We scored 10 points!  Right?  Remember last year when scoring 10 points was pretty awesome?  Even when we lost, watching our clueless offense peddle tricycles down the field and somehow scoring was mind boggling.  Were the other defenses even trying on that possession?  So yeah, 10 points against Alabama with our O-line of weak-hinged saloon doors, a quarterback more unpredictable than Johnny Manziel's Twitter account, not a single running back with college experience, literally no tight-end, and a handful of nobodies with "WR" near their name on the depth chart.  YEAH, 10 points against Bama in the first game might be all the confidence VT needs to go unblemished the rest of the year, right into the ACC championship.

And have a real good time.

Plus, 27 Alabama points means we either blocked an XP (BEAMER BALL!) or had Bama replace a couple of TD's for FG's (BUD BALL!).  I don't see how one can argue that either of those are bad.

I will be unhappy if

We come within a touchdown of losing or lose by 43 points.

If we come within a touchdown of dethroning the king of college football during our season opener with our fresh coaches and offensive band of misfits, I might seriously consider burning down every house within walking distance of the Blacksburg Country Club.  How dare you get my hopes up when they're so down!?  I already said I'm okay with losing this one!  You're going to make me feel like we have a shot and then murder my heart like that?  No.  Not okay.  Either you go out there and win or you lose by less than 17.  Period.
 
Remember Cincinnati last year?  Yeah.  We sucked.  If we had lost by the third quarter, I could have probably made it to my hot yoga class in time but no, you had to drag it out until the bitter end and lose on the last play.  Fuck.  Matt Ryan, too. Fuck.  It's hard to bounce back from a near victory and gut wrenching defeat, especially one against a team like Bama.

Stupid sexy Matt Ryan.

But seriously, don't lose by 43 points either.  If we lose by more than 17, I'll be pissed but I'll get over it in like 4 days.  But 43?  That will suck the life right out of the entire organization.  We'll turn around the next week and lose to Western Carolina or whoever and then my life won't be the same after that.  I'll have to change my name and move to the midwest where football is still popular but so is being sad and obese.  I could fit in there.  Get a job polishing wagon wheels or whatever the fuck they do out there for fun.  Anything to get my mind off the pain.

nytimes.com
48-7 didn't feel good either.

I will be happy if...

The new receiver's coach teaches the fundamentals of down field blocking.  As sorry as our O-line is at blocking, at least they try each play.  Last year, any rare moment a running back made it to the second level of defenders, the receivers were usually standing around clueless, probably expecting a bubble screen or something.  Marcus Davis even procured internet fame for sucking so bad at blocking.  To me, receivers blocking downfield is tremendously more important than anything the line can do.  Decent O-line blocking can net 3-4 yards at a whack.  But if your backs are consistently getting to the second level, a good block on a corner or linebacker means 10 more yards, 15 more yards, or more.

Aaron Moorehead seems perfect for the job.  He was a big receiver in his day (6'3, 200+) and blocked like a beast.  It's fundamental and our receivers have no excuse not executing decent down field blocking regardless of who's coaching.

I will be unhappy if...

Well, if we don't.  There's not much that can be done with the current state of our O-line.  Sure, Grimes has recruited well having only been in Blacksburg a short time so the future hogs look bright but this year is going to be what it is.  Then we have the shortage of high profile runningbacks we're used to.  Not having the established run game is really what I think handcuffed our offense last year aside from having a playcaller who scripted plays that had pretty shapes and no logic.  This year won't be much different at runningback and a starter from last year already got the boot before the season. 

So who do we have?  Gregory, Coleman, Edmunds, ...?  *shutters*.  With these offensive limitations, any chance a back has to net yards down field can't be hindered by receivers afraid to get their pads dirty. It happened an embarrassing amount of times last year.  It was so bad, even ESPN's worthless commentary picked up on it and pointed it out.

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I will be happy if...

By the time mid October rolls around, Logan Thomas isn't getting booed in the third quarter.  I don't think the 2011 Logan Thomas was an apparition but I also don't think he was first overall NFL draft selection material.  I also don't think 2012 Logan Thomas is really all the fault of Logan Thomas.  I think 2013 Logan Thomas would happily be a nice average of the two and I'm okay with that.



Less interceptions would be nice, maybe a 4:1 TD/interception ratio as opposed to 3:2 ratio of last year.  And I don't know, maybe some leadership?  Too often Logan would just storm to the bench and sit down real hard instead of getting together with his offensive teammates and deciphering Bryan Stinespring's sidewalk chalk formations.

I will be unhappy if...

By the third quarter of the second game, Logan Thomas doesn't look solid.  Bama is going to give him hell and I won't judge too harshly as long as he plays smart.  But by the time the second half of the next game rolls around against whoever (Blacksburg Summer Rec League Football Squad #4) if he doesn't look more polished, more confident, and more under control then our season is completely doomed.  Panic button, panic button.  Abort.  Overreaction!  Bu that's just me.

We'll probably have to settle for a MAC Tire Butt Plug and Jimmy Dean Sausage Apple TV Bowl against Miami...of OHIO.  But hey, as long as we win...

mgoblog.com

 I will be happy if

As cliche, predictable, and elementary as it sounds, I'll be really happy if this Loeffler dude pans out.  I'm too entrenched in VT football to force my narrow scope of what I want Tech to become outward to give an unbiased judgment.  As of now, he seems likeable which wins 0 football games.  His resume isn't terrible, but that doesn't win football games either.  So I'm blindly looking forward with hope that this change that we wanted becomes the change we needed.

techsideline.com

I will be unhappy if

Could our offense really get worse?  Last year as the exception for wins and losses, as a perennial top 20 program the last 15 years in recruiting and performance, to not yield a better offense than we have is nauseating.  I can't see it getting more disappointing or more uninspired but if it does, consider me quite unhappy.

Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day

Today is what I like to call "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day".  It's not something you would typically celebrate with your family of church-goers or design paper hats for in elementary school only because "Mother Fuckin" is in the name.  But "Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day" is meant to be celebrated by those people too.  Just because you're too adult for the phrase "Mother Fuckin" or the idea of fucking mothers hits home for you in a weird place doesn't mean you can't enjoy what this day is, what it stands for, and why it's monumental.

Today we are all 0-0.  The Hokies are 0-0.  The Huskies are 0-0.  We all have perfect records, round on each end, and flat in the middle.  The flat part is the hyphen.

By Tuesday, we will add 1's to our record.  Either on the front side of the flat spot or the back side and unless you're talking about a Busta Rhymes music video, this ain't the good kind of back side either.

So like most things awesome, there's a story behind Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day and I would like to share it with you.

When I was a child, my grandfather didn't talk to me about college football because he never attended college and he had already been dead for a couple years when I was born.  So there's that, but my father instilled in me the idea of Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day when I was about six years old.  It started off when he showed me his old yearbooks from when he played pigskin in high school.

I was curious about the game and it was hard for me to understand initially.  Why would anyone want to get hit so hard just to run around carrying that goofy ball that never bounces right?  But Dad was persistent and wanted to show me the way of the pigskin so that I could one day suit up and make him proud.  That night we cuddled up on the couch in front of the TV.  I had my little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle blanket wrapped over my lap to keep my popcorn from getting on the couch and up my shorts.  I still can't eat popcorn worth a damn.  Dad waited for the coverage to start and as the team was lining up to form a line for the kickoff, my Dad turned to me and asked, "Son, are you ready for this?"

I didn't know what was coming next so I timidly replied, "Ready for what?"

"Mother Fuckin Kick-Off, son."  The moments that followed impacted my football watching career for the rest of my life.  I watched Virginia Tech lose to NC State, 7-0, in probably the worst fucking display of football I have ever seen in my entire life to this very day.  I one time watched two blind fat people have sex on the internet just to prove a point and I made it 13 seconds in Two Girls, One Cup before I passed out.  Trust me, I have the badges of honor.  This game was fucking atrocious.   The replay of the game has been featured in some famous exorcisms and was even outlawed in Guantanamo by Dick Cheney himself.  Hokie quarterback Will Furrer threw 5 interceptions in that game, coincidentally the same game that proved to a young Sean Glennon that you really can be what you want in life. Thankfully, being a Hokie fan has gotten better over the years - except for that whole Sean Glennon part.

So, my first Mother Fuckin Kick-Off Day wasn't even on the first day of the season.  It was the second week but getting VT on TV was an extremely rare occasion back then and lucky for us, Dad stole satellite off the neighbors.  VT wrapped up the season toting a 5-6 record with marquee wins over no one.  We did only lose to then #6 Oklahoma by 10 but we fuckin got housed by UVA (#20) 38-0.  I knew being a VT fan would be difficult at times and too easy at others but since then, I've been excited about every opening day of Division 1 College Football since. 

Tonight we get to see two semi-quality SEC teams get it on.  South Carolina is known for jack-shit in football but having the Ol' Ball Coach at the helm is always in your favor and he's got the Cocks throbbing down in Columbia.  Vanderbilt is also known for being an SEC butt plug too but somehow they've managed to upgrade from "butt plug" to "not quite as butt plug" and even have the recruiting class to suggest a promising future.  It doesn't get any better than this.  Happy Mother Fuckin' Kick-Off Day Ya'll!!

The moments before the presser: Goodbye Greenberg

"A true tale of a man's mental struggle to do the inevitable."- Guy behind Kroger

"A narrative tale that details the strength and will of a man against all odds."- Anonymous prank caller

"Bravo! A normal man faced with a tough business decision and his mental anguish in following through! Classic" - Nobody 

"One of the best movies I've seen in a while.  Follows the book closely!" - Someone who had just stepped out of the Hunger Games 

For me, saying goodbye to Seth Greenberg was simple.  He can take his conspiracy theory excuses, over dramatic antics, and piss poor attitude to Connecticut and proudly mock us on ESPN for the next fifteen years - by all means, do it.  But before Jim Weaver went straight cold blooded on Seth, I had my doubts about what the presser was about and feared the worst: Bud Foster.

As we know now, the presser (press conference) was called several hours before even Greenberg found out he was fired.  David Teel, a journalist, reported to have called Seth at some point and Greenberg answered the phone with, "Yes! I'm still employed.." or something along those lines.  At some point between that phone conversation and the press conference, Jim Weaver delivered the news.

Here is the timeline in which I believe shit went down:

In mere days leading up to this date, three Greenberg assistants made lateral moves and wouldn't accept more money to return.

Fast-forward:  Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

5:30am: Jim Weaver rolls out of bed.  Last night was a typical Monday night.  Went to bed at 9:30, sharp, like a boss.

5:32am: Clicks on TV, finishes last bit of DVR'd Simpsons from Sunday night.  "I kinda look like Homer Simpson," he always thought.

5:45am: Coffee.  Extra sugar.  Going to be a good day.

5:53am: Read the Roanoke Times sports page.  Kind of boring.  Not seeing his own name or any noteworthy Hokie news... bothered by it.

6:12am: Shower time.  He calls it "wet-naked-Jimmy time" to himself, chuckles aloud.  "It's going to be a good day," he thinks with a grin.

6:24am: Puts on the fancy suit.  Feelin' a presser comin'.  Maybe I'll can the entire tennis program.  Fuck'm!

7:10am: Arrives at Virginia Tech office.  Tosses aside paperwork from last Hokie basketball assistant coach's departure.  Gets an itch to punch a woman... ignores it.

7:12am: Sees a woman.  Ignores urge. "She's done nothing to us Jimmy.  Let it pass."  Takes a deep breath, urge subsides.

7:14-7:33am: Stares out window.  Misses the taste of blood.  Needs a fresh kill.  Sees kids playing tennis pretty early. "They seem so innocent," he thinks.  "And they shall be spared.."

7:34am: Checks the Twitters.  "No one is making fun of my disease today, that's new."  Trending topics are kinda lame.  Needs some spice in his life.  Reads Reddit and laughs at cats.

8:12am: Greenberg strolls by.  He looks all cocky.  "Blamed me for not paying his assistants enough.  God, I fucking hate that guy.  But he's too high profile, the public would burn me."

8:14am: Hears Greenberg shout something from his office to his secretary about why his recruit scheduled for today wasn't scheduled for tomorrow.  "Just do your job, Seth," he says to himself.  "Today is not the day for shenanigans, I'm out for blood."


8:15am-10:30am: Researches available basketball coaches on the internet.

10:31am: Go talk to Beamer.

10:35am: "God, I love Frank," he thinks to himself.  "Just staring at him while he talks is enjoyable.  He's such a great man....  Wait, he just asked me a question and I was too busy ogling him to pay attention."

Asks Frank to repeat himself.

"Oh, shew.  He was just offering me more coffee... God, sorry Frank. Love you!"

Frank talks about how much he loves all his coaches and they're just one big happy family.  "Man, I wish the basketball program had that instead of Greenbooger."  Sigh.

11:01am:  Googles how to call a press conference. 

11:22am: Calls media staff. "Say, how do you schedule a press conference? Totally hypothetical"

11:30am: Inadvertently schedules a press conference for 4pm.  How the fuck did I do that? Shit. Shit.

11:32am: Greenberg stops by.  Made some half witted gesture about how if all his assistants got free Yukons and blowjobs he wouldn't have to try so hard to keep them around.

11:35am: Googles best way to deliver bad news.

12:04pm:  "Off to Our Daily Bread for some fuckin' sweet lunch with my hot wife."

12:32pm:  Wife asks why he's being so quiet.  He gives her an unsettling look.  She quietly picks up her things and leaves.  Jim didn't notice that he had been grinding his fork into her hand while thinking of Greenberg.  The smell of her fear set him off - Greenberg is on deck.

12:54pm: Back in the office.  Cracks knuckles, puts forehead on desk.  Thinks.

1:12pm:  Visits Frank.  Tells Frank the surprise presser has nothing to do with the football program..
Frank is pleased to hear it.

1:45pm: "God I love talking to Frank."

2:23pm:  Frank asked how Greenberg took the news.  "Jimby fordot," he said through shame.  Beamer explains to him in full detail how bad of an idea this is.

2:24pm: Shit!

2:42pm: Greenberg is with a recruit.  The recruit doesn't look very interested anyway. Maybe that's a good thing.

2:45pm: News vans starting to roll in.  "Better check my Twitter!"

2:53pm: LOLZ, they think Bud is leaving.  Hahahaha.

3:03pm:  Recruit steps out.  Better call Seth in.

3:05pm:  Wow, that Seth Greenberg REALLY knows how to use the "fuck" word.

3:09pm:  He's in there crying.  LOLz

3:12pm:  "Oh keep making threats you troll, I'm over here shaking in my boots!"

3:18pm: Back on Twitter baby.

3:30pm:  Ha, people think I'm stepping down?  Think again.  Jimmy lives forever.

3:45pm: Can't tell if I'm shaking because I'm nervous or if..

3:55pm: This is going to be awesome.

In loving memory: